Thursday, 8 July 2010

Hot Dog Scoffing Champ Barred

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mr Sum Dum Fuk, the Chinese six-time world record-holder of the Numpty Dumpty hot dog speed-eating championships, has been arrested at this year's 4th July Independence Day event held at New York’s Boney Island.
The former Shaolin Supermarket shelf stacker, who started out life as a Peking street-busking sausage juggler, was banned from competing in this year's event and arrested as he tried to get on the stage after the tournament for a spot of left-over scoff – and possibly attempt to set an unofficial posthumous record.

Mr Dum Fuk had refused to sign a contract with the Mafia-run speed-eating regulatory body ‘Trough-Swilling Slobs’ and was thus barred from the annual event at Coney Island this year – thus presenting an easy no-contest win for Joey "Jaws" Clappergullet who walked away with a 52 inch waist vomit-coloured belt and a prestigious ‘Technicolour Yawn’ t-shirt..

Sum Dum Fuk, the contender who smashed all previous US records in 2008 following his three month preparatory ‘Galloping Bulima’ training fast, was bestowed with the title of the ‘Junkfood Tsunami’ for his prowess in gobbling down shed-loads of tepid frankfurters and other assorted indigestible crap.

Mr Dum Fuk’s trainer, Fat Rat Mat, had ‘tweeted’ on the Twatter social networking website that they didn't want to sign a contract with the Mafia’s ‘Trough-Swilling Slobs’ regulatory body as that would prevent him from entering speed eating competitions run by other federations around the world – especially so the 2010 African Malnutrition events to be held in Darfur and Ethiopia where Dum Fuk faces stiff competition from Tatswiller O’Dinga, last year’s Sudanese champion who can wolf down an entire goat in under three minutes.

Speaking to a reporter from the Pigswill Gazette following Dum Fuk’s release from police custody at Boney Island, his girlfriend, Ms Eat Mi Out, related that her swain was the odds-on favourite to beat the current South Korean champion, Mr Pak Lunch, at the Kimchi Scoffing finals to be held in Seoul next week.

Mr Dum Fuk was persuaded to pursue a profitable career competing in speed eating tournaments after beating reigning world champions Mr Tic Tac Toe, and his closest adversary Mrs Flip Flop Fong, at the annual ‘Crunchy Deep Fried Mouse Eating’ competition in Lhasa, Tibet in 2001 – which he entered for a bit of a lark while pissed out of his brain on ‘Old Llama Thumper’ lager.

However, due the US Constitution being used like ass wipe paper and wholly emasculated since 9/11, 2001 – by the Dubya Bush and Barky O’Barmy administrations and the creation of the Gestapo-style Department of Homeland Insecurity - Sum Dum Fuk has now been logged into the persona-non-grata terrorist watch list for not complying with Mafia regulations and will be barred from re-entering the United States of AIPAC – or partaking in future US-based tournaments.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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