Thursday, 1 July 2010

Libservatives - Recycling Trash Rewards

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s all-new Libservative coalition government, under the leadership of HRH Posh Dave Cameron, is scrapping Labour’s draconic bin tax plans that would have penalised households for the amount of rubbish they threw away instead of eating or recycling it into something constructive if not useful – like papier mache and cardboard effigies of their shit-for-brains council jobsworths – that could have been propped up outside the town hall and set ablaze.

Conversely, targeting the opposite end of the social engineering spectrum, Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the Libservative Minister for Old Crap & Tat, is pursuing the tried and tested Pavlovian ‘Good dog!’ philosophy of rewarding people for their efforts in recycling more waste.

While the previous government proposed fitting electronic tags to bins to weigh them, and fine households that threw away too much rubbish, the Bogbrush Mandate will create ‘Bin of the Month’ and ‘Gold Bin’ awards with prizes ranging from a year’s supply of ‘Shit-Gone’ instant compost mix additive to bespoke T-shits bearing the Ministry for Old Crap & Tat’s heraldic shield.

Capped with the motto ‘Antiquum Merdas’ (Old Shit), the T-shirt's emblem is argent with a scarlet border and bears left and right supporters represented by paired rats rampant, with a wreath of rusty barbed wire; adorned with a helm of a hog’s head with forked tongue. The top left quadrant is adorned by a trio of seagull’s salient; top right quadrant – a ginger tomcat passant; lower left quadrant – a pair of guzzling pigs sejant erect; while the lower right quadrant displays a deuce of council jobsworths dormant.

Now, who wouldn’t get into the recycling spirit simply to own one of these limited edition top range garments manufactured exclusively from Fairtrade organic cotton by Patel’s of Mumbai.

Concurring with Minister Bogbrush, the Libservative’s Communities Secretary Eric Porkfat told a reporter from the Wheelie Bin Gazette that he was consigning Labour’s intended ‘Pay-as-you-Throw’ bin tax to the ‘Policies Trashcan’ – relating that households would try to get around the tax by fly tipping or burning more rubbish – or posting it through the town hall letterbox.
“Paying the public to recycle might just work – and keep all the unemployed scroungers busy rooting around on landfill sites all day.”

“Here’s an example, Frank McScrunt, a retired tortoise polisher, scavenged around on his local tip after watching Scrapheap Challenge and collected enough mechanical tat to built his own zero point free energy power plant that was running on just about anything you tossed into it and earning him £600 a day boosting the National Grid’s electricity output – until it exploded in a sub-nuclear fireball last week, levelling most of Smegmadale-on-Sea along with it.”
“However, bad luck besides, what Frank did was all heart and effort – and that’s what we need to get this country back on its feet again.”

So, who was first to win the prestigious ‘Bin of the Month’ award and a Ministry of Old Crap & Tat bespoke T-shirt? Why, none other than 96-year old Mrs Hilda Titwank of Slutsborough, who turned her kitchen and garden waste into delicious pastry-wrapped confectionaries with minced fillings of old socks, newspapers, dead cats, lawn trimmings – plus the special secret ‘bluebottle’ recipe for her ‘flies cemetery’ Eccles cakes.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

No comments: