Saturday, 3 July 2010

Is Horse Boy Really The Stig?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The mystery that sprang up surrounding a person wearing a brown horse's head style helmet who was captured by chance on Google's Street View in Aberdeen last week, then disappeared around a corner at a full gallop, has become a cult status online debating point that is now encompassing not only the entire UK but attracting comments and news of fresh sightings from around the globe.

Posts on Google’s Street View relating to the horse head character quickly transmigrated to the Fuckbook and Twatter social networking websites, with the initial identity revelations originating from Aberdeen itself – the first from a certain
‘Porridge Wog Pete’ responsible for the primary post “That’s one of yer local worthy Ferryhill Freemason paedo’s in disguise cos that’s wot they wear when they go out on kiddie fiddlin’ missions around the schools an’ playgrounds an’ parks.”

This was immediately countered by another Aberdeen resident who posted under the handle of ‘Tartan Tadger’ – claiming “The lad’s a scally yob nutter who goes by the name of Dobbin Shergar an’ hangs around the racetrack stables beggin’ fer carrots an’ sugar lumps.”

From there on in the guesstimates were flowing thick and fast. A youth wearing a white horse’s head mask was captured in the aerial photographs of a Smegmashire crop circle formation two days later prancing around and prompting speculation it was actually one of your Druid types totally fucked up on hard drugs – or an alien from Planet X.

The Met’ Plod Squad’s CO19 Armed Response Unit, whose only claim to fame so far is shooting Brazilian electricians, were on alert around Parliament Square yesterday after receiving reports that a person wearing a horse head helmet and toting a nosebag labelled ‘Depleted Uranium’ was acting suspiciously and may well have been linked to the militant Islamic 11th September Donkey Jihad Brigade who’ve sworn to target the UK population’s hated Democratic freedoms - such as steeple chasing and flat races.

However Professor Armitage Shanks, a former tomcat strangler who now heads the Department of Equine Studies at Twatsworth University, has hypothesised that the person espied by the Google camera isn’t wearing a horse’s head helmet or mask at all but is living proof of actual DNA mutations caused by eating GM foods and aspartame-laced soft drinks.
“This bloke’s like the Yeti and Sasquatch Big Foot – a genetic throw-back – but his DNA problems have been caused by Monsanto’s manky mutant foods. Just watch out – ten years from now we’ll all have hooves.”

Conversely, Ms Brenda Slutt, a recently-divorced 16-year old mother of three, posted news of her encounter with Horse Boy on her personal Fuckbook page which led to an interview and Page 3 photo shoot with a reporter from the Slappers Gazette red top tabloid.
“Me an’ the gang were all at the pub like after we’d bin down the DSS ter pick up our benefit giros an’ I got talkin’ ter this bloke wearin’ a white racin’ suit an’ this horse’s head mask wot was hangin’ around the beer garden.”

“Anyways I woz half-pissed after scullin’ down about eight pints of Old Headbanger lager an’ got real turned on an’ horny thinkin’ about havin’ sex wiv a bloke wiv a big donkey dick like, so we had a quickie knee trembler out the back of the pub car park in Dogger’s Woods an’ he confides in me all very hush-hush an’ big secrets like, yer know, that he’s the effin’ Stig – an’ he gives me one of his business cards – very professional an’ all that old shit like - Mr Frank Stig of Stigford Crescent, in Stigbury.”
“So, that’s me new claim ter fame – I’ve shagged Top Gear’s celebrity racin’ driver.”

Have you seen anyone wearing a horse’s head mask in a field near you? Do you believe the Stig is half-horse? Could you drive a car if you had hooves? Would you place a bet on the Stig winning next year’s Grand National? Is Google responsible for engaging in juvenile horseplay?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or rocking horse shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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