Sunday, 4 July 2010

Japanese Told – “Go to Bed Early!”

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The current Japanese government under the leadership of the newly-installed Prime Minister Kinkobo Fukarama and his ruling Yakuza Graft & Corruption Party has launched an idiotic campaign set to encourage people to go to bed early in order to reduce household carbon dioxide emissions.

The ‘Early to Bed – Early to Rise Challenge campaign, unveiled by Fukarama’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, is based on the premise that by going to bed early and not watching some brain-dead crap on the telly – such as late night re-runs of ‘Porno Pokemon’ where Ash Ketchum butt-fucks Pikachu - could significantly cut the nation's carbon footprint, refund the dwindling coffers of the Department of Kleptocracy and save thousands of cuddly polar bears from drowning in the process.

So, have the super-efficient Japanese actually come up with the answer to kick AGW (‘Anthropogenic Global Warming’ – not ‘Al Gore’s Wealth’) in the arse and rake in a fortune in carbon credits from the cap n trade exchange – simply by going to bed early – plus save the human race from a mass extinction event and our pale blue dot from becoming a cosmic landfill site?

Er, rather Doubtful - with a large capital D – even though the campaign further proposes that people take advantage of an extra hour of morning sunlight to improve their crusty, pus-oozing melanoma lesions and dark, sagging eyebags in general, by running around their local parks like a bunch of headless chickens practicing Ninjitsu, or taking up yoga and eating a healthy and nutritious low carbon breakfast – such as a bowl of cold rice left over from last night’s supper, topped by a cob of even colder raw fish – with a side order of cold seaweed to really get your lower colon churning.

Mr Tosso Tossermori, the Minister for Wasting Time & Money, informed one reporter from the Numbskulls Gazette that a typical suburban Tokyo family could reduce its personal carbon dioxide footprint from a clod-hopping size 12 down to a dainty, Twinkletoes size 4 if everyone goes to bed as soon as they come home from work - and then get up one hour earlier.

Minister Tossermori’s government department was the one responsible for launching the high profile Cool Biz campaign last summer which encouraged workers to wear short-sleeved shirts and offices not to turn air con lower than 28 degrees during the summer – an ill-conceived scheme that resulted in thousands of salary men dying of heat exhaustion in their cramped office cubicles.

Do you go to bed early to save energy – or stay up burning the mid-night oil watching Porno Pokemon and lewd mangga cartoons? Have you been fooled by the global warming scam? Do you personally give a shit if a bunch of polar bears drown simply because you stayed up late watching England lose their World Cup qualifying match to the Krauts?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a signed copy of Al Bore’s “A Convenient Pile of Bullshit’.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of Japanese were reported to have overslept.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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