Friday, 16 July 2010

July Skewed News Views Roundup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

President of Brazil Seeks Spanking Ban.

Brazil's President, the 69-year old Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, has sent a bill to Congress which will ban the use of spanking as a corporal punishment for children – and erring husbands.
The bill’s ratification will outlaw any cruel or degrading treatment that humiliates or seriously threatens the afore-mentioned victims – specifically getting their bum spanked.

Lula informed a reporter from the Flagellants Gazette that “At last, now I am President I can get this passed into law and prohibited as a punishment.”
“Ever since I was a child my mother would pull down my pants, bend me over her knee and spank the cheeks of my bare ass. It was most embarrassing – especially so when she did it in the middle of the street or supermarket.”

“Now, my mother she tells my wife how to discipline me, so every time I am late home for dinner or have lipstick on my collar – or around my cock – then down come my pants and she spanks me just like Mama used to do. Seriously, from a personal viewpoint I’m sick of it – hence my new anti-spanking bill,”

UK Crimes at Lowest Level Since 1981

The number of crimes committed in England and Wales has fallen to its lowest level since records began in 1981, official figures have shown.

In 2008-2009, crimes committed by criminal types fell to 9.6 million - 9% below the previous year, indicating that the recession has not caused so much of an increase in offences as was forecast. The veracity of this point was challenged and criticised on the hypothesis that victims simply weren’t bothering to report crimes since 50% of the police force has been laid off in the Libservative coalition’s ‘Slasher’ emergency budget.

The actual up-to-date figures for the last year 2009-2010 were unavailable as the report containing the statistics was stolen during a recent burglary at the British Crime Survey offices.

The BCS claims that while there was a "notable" drop in internet copyright piracy, unfortunately shop-lifting and cattle rustling (cows, sheep, chickens and the Queen’s deer) had been on the increase since most of the UK’s workforce had been made redundant – and homeless – with rumours abounding that the entire country was being plagued with a Biblical type surge of people coveting their neighbour’s possessions - especially so the edible type.

In Scotland, the equivalent of the BCS is the Scottish Crime and Justice Survey whose last report, for 2008-2009, stated the number of crimes experienced by the Scottish public totalled 5,194,623 - equating out at one per each member of the five million population.

Topping the crime list offences north of the border are still aggravated alcoholism and instances of ritual bagpipe rape - followed a close second by kiddie fiddling around the pederast strongholds of Grampian’s Aberdeen crime capital and the Highlands’ Masonic lodges.

BP Ready to Nuke Gulf Oil Well

In yet another Wiley T Coyote style attempt to staunch the flow of crude oil and other noxious pelican-killing pollutants spewing out of their fubar drill hole in the fractured permeable seabed of the Gulf of Mexico, the executive incompetents comprising the ruling hierarchy at BP, in conjunction with Snafu Oilfield Services, are preparing to deploy a small nuclear device in a frenzied rush against time to quell the cascading catastrophe before it spreads into the ocean proper - halting the circuitous flow of the North Atlantic Drift together with its northern extension towards Europe, the Gulf Stream – causing another Ice Age.

Now these idiots impersonating geophysicists have opened Pandora’s box, and finally realised they can’t get the lid back on, they’re desperate to try any and all Heath Robinson solutions to stop this becoming a bigger environmental cataclysm of Biblical proportions than it already is.

So, while every bugger and their dog always has a Plan B up their sleeves, BP have now run the whole gamut from B through to Plan X – with as much luck or success as a leper looking to get laid.

In a desperate attempt to stop a vast area of the Gulf ocean floor from rupturing due to subterranean methane gas – which would unleash a calamity no living human has ever seen the likes of before – BP’s about to tear a page from science fiction fantasy with the Omega Plan - and flirt a nuclear EPFCG charge down the aborted Deepshit Horizon rig drill hole and detonate it.

Jesus H Christ and WTF? We can’t trust these bungling twats to drill an oilwell without causing the biggest environmental disaster since the Chicxulub Asteroid hit the Gulf of Mexico dead centre some 68 million years ago and initiated the K-T boundary event that snuffed all the dinosaurs and anything else old enough to croak.

And now we’re gonna let BP play ‘mad scientist’ with a bunch of micro-nukes – the ones that don’t exist - those the Israelis don’t have – the same type that didn’t go Ka-fucking-Boom! in a monsoon drain outside the Sari Club in Bali in 2002.
Hmmm, this might just turn out to be a bigger extiction level event than the one they’re attempting to avoid.

UK Bans Iroquois Lacrosse Team

Foreign Secretary Willy Vague today informed the media that the UK will refuse to allow a Native American lacrosse team to travel to the country using passports issued by the Iroquois Confederacy.
Vague has instructed the Borders Agency that the team will only be granted a visa at immigration on arrival if they are in possession of documents considered valid by the UK, including US or Canadian passports – or those stolen and cloned by the Israeli Mossad.

The Iroquois Confederacy consists of six Indian nations that oversee tribal lands stretching from upstate New York into the Canadian southern province of Ontario.
The UK's decision not to accept the confederacy's travel documents came just one day prior to the commencement of the Lacrosse World Championships in Manchester, during which the Iroquois team were due to play England.

One Borders Agency whistleblower working under cover for Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers charity, told a reporter from the Blabberwocky Gazette that “It’s all down ter national effin’ pride, isn’t it. This Iroquois team are reckoned ter be real shit hot cos they’ve bin playin’ it fer over a thousand years and wiv England just getting’ their arses kicked in South Africa in the World Cup soccer tournament, the new Libservative coalition don’t want the same thing happenin’ again – well, not so soon after the last fuck up.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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