Saturday, 17 July 2010

Just So: How Badger Got His White Stripe

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what might well be a take on one of Kiplings ‘Just So’ stories - 'How The Badger Got His White Stripe', council jobsworths on hire from the manual labour pool at Renta-Moron and tasked with painting white lines down the centre of the A369 road between Kuntsbridge and Twatford, left a gap in their work by rolling their line-marker straight over a dead badger - claiming it was not their responsibility to move it.

Smegmashire County Council’s ‘Compliance Director’ Ms Candida Mingerot confirmed the workers followed HSE procedures throughout and did what they thought "was best" due the fact that while it is the mandated obligation of the emergency services to remove dead human road kill from the highways it’s the district council's job to dispose of animal carcasses.

Ms Mingerot added that inter-departmental communications had been somewhat confused since the new Libservative coalition came to power and their phone service had been cut off as part of Chancellor Oddball’s ‘No Pain – No Gain’ emergency ‘Slasher’ budget.

Ron Bogbrush, a reporter with the Fuckwits Gazette, was lucky enough to catch up with one of the road painting crew in the Yobsters Arms at lunchtime yesterday, and persuaded him to stop texting on his new Crapple 4 ‘No Signal’ iPhone for ten minutes in exchange for a couple of pints of Bitch Thumper lager and explain his side of the story.

17-year old Duane Scrunt, a former skateboard mechanic, related “When we comes around the bend of the A369 opposite Doggers Wood there’s this big furry thingy crouched down in the middle of the road lookin’ all evil an’ intent on some aggro’ like. So havin’ just watched a pirate copy of Twilight Eclipse the other night wiv all those vampire twats an’ werewolf thingies in it, I sez to me workmate Norm “Fuck this – let’s go an’ have a smoke up on the hill ‘til Cujo fucks off like.”

“Anyways, after about an hour the bleedin’ thing ain’t moved – even when a Pestco Greedy Grocer delivery truck ran straight over the fucker - so Norm went down an’ had a closer look like an’ gave it a good poke up the arse wiv his paint pole an’ he shouts up that it’s some animal wot’s escaped from the zoo and got twatted by a motor and killed.”

“So then we sez ‘ah fuck it’ an’ carries on wiv the line paintin’ – but cos the dead werewolf’s all bloated up an’ stinking we just paints straight over it. I mean like, we’re not touchin’ the efiin’ thing just in case we cop a dose of the dreaded lurgie or the mange.”

Likewise, Duane’s live-in girl-friend Chantelle McSlagg, a 16-year old mother of three, spoke with one reporter from Radio Numpty in the pub car park “Yeah right – me bloke did the right fing not touchin’ the effin’ body cos it could ‘ave ‘ad some disease - like rabies or swine flu or Badgeritis an’ then yer catch that an’ yer grow an effin’ big white stripe down the front of yer effin’ ‘ead.”

Ms Kelly la Bonk, Environmental Protection Officer for Smegmashire County Council, related to Pox News that "We would usually liaise with our colleagues at the district council who dispose of animal carcasses on the highways to ensure the badger was removed before the white line painting crew did this stretch of road. However, since the phones were cut off in May we’ve had to contend with a massive communications failure. Really, things were never this bad under Labour.”

Rita Fuctifino, spokeswoman for the council contractor Dorks-R-Us, confirmed that “Staff from our Renta-Moron sub-contractor are not licensed or trained to deal with the disposal of road kill. However, the badger’s carcass has now been removed from the centre of the road by Kostas, our local road kill pikey butcher. Furthermore, the gap in the white line has been filled in – and at no extra cost to the council tax payer."

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, several cetes of badgers were temporarily upset by the bad news.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

1 comment:

Kelly said...

Brilliant piece of insight regarding the moronic jobsworth culture that comprises government bureaucracies.