Friday, 9 July 2010

Latest Tyneside Kid’s Game: ‘Spot the Moat’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Armed response officers from the Northumberland police force, assigned to 'Operation Drawbridge'- the search for suspected homicidal maniac Raoul Thomas Moat (aka Mad Moat) have switched their hunt from the woodlands around Rothbury to Kandahar Province in Afghanistan.

A ‘black cab’ taxi stolen three days ago in Seaton Delaval, close to Whitley Bay on the Tyne and Wear coast, has been found dumped at Lashkar Gah, several miles from the city of Kandahar itself. A 600-page hand-scribbled letter addressed to Moat’s ex-girlfriend Samantha was discovered pinned to the driver’s sun visor with a carving fork. Rumours that the half-eaten bodies of several Tyneside police officers were discovered in the luggage compartment of the taxi remain unconfirmed.

A man fitting Moat’s description was picked up earlier this afternoon on a US Predator drone’s high resolution cameras after he robbed a halal kebab store at Khan-e-Bagat, deep inside the Islamic militia zone, following which he engaged in a running gun battle with a band of Taliban insurgents.

According to the latest reports coming in from NATO intelligence sources they estimate that over a dozen Taliban jihadists were snuffed, with eye witnesses on the ground reporting that Moat had re-armed himself and disappeared into the mountainous cave area of the province wearing a black burka stolen from a certain Mrs Fatima al Jaffacake’s washing line - lugging an AK 47 over one shoulder and with a goat tucked under his arm.

A UK Home Office request, on behalf of Northumberland police, presented to the new NATO commander General Petraeus, for his troops to intercept and capture the fugitive Moat met with the negative response of “Hellfire no, this Moat guy’s doing a better job that our boys in engaging rebel fighters and achieving a head count. Moat might just be what we need - a paranoid psychopath with a different perspective on the situation, so let’s just give him some breathing space and he might solve all our al Qaeda and Taliban insurgency problems.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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