Taliban Resort to Monkey Business

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Afghanistan's Taliban fundamentalist Muslim insurgents, fighting to the death to kick out the NATO foreign devil invaders and their ethnic stooges – such as President Hamid Kami-Karzai - from their country for the past nine years, have resorted to training monkeys to use weapons and attack American troops, according to intelligence reports coming in from Bellend Province.

War correspondents from the Rumour Mongers media agency also spotted and filmed several "monkey soldiers" brandishing AK-47 rifles and being trained to construct improvised explosive devices in the Tizwazstan tribal region close to the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. The report and photos have been widely spread by media agencies and internet web sites across the world.

The gospel according to one report claims that the American military hierarchy have labelled them as ‘Muslim monkey terrorists’ and claim this is simply the latest Taliban move in their evolving strategy of asymmetrical warfare against the NATO forces and their Neocon-inspired ‘Operation Enduring Warfare’.

The United States launched their illegal invasion of Afghanistan on the strength of the sinister constructed falsehood that the non-existent Al Qaeda were based there and were further responsible for Mossad’s false flag terrorist attacks against the US on 9/11.

They kicked started their little Zionist war using the world's most advanced weapons such as highly-intelligent robots to detect IED bombs on roadsides and unmanned Predator drone aerial vehicles to attack major Taliban targets – such as herds of goats or caves with a front door and letter box fitted.
In response, the Taliban forces have tried any possible means to retaliate and figured out how to train monkeys as "replacement killers" against American troops.

This was first demonstrated when the monkeys were fitted with C4 explosive suicide vests and trained to make contact with personnel wearing a NATO military camouflage uniform – or anyone with a red neck and speaking with a shit-for-brains Yankee accent - whereupon a concealed spotter would detonate their vest via a radio signal.

Significantly, a US trooper from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment was attacked and killed by an anthropoid hit squad last week when he unwittingly offered one of the apes some peanuts and ended up stabbed to death with a combat banana.

Recently-fired NATO Commander in Afghanistan General Billy Bob McBlabberwocky made the mistake of relating to Rolling Stone magazine that “Hey, really, this is fast becoming a most serious embarrassment for us. These platoons of monkeys the Taliban are fielding across the battle front are displaying a greater level of intelligence than our marines. No shit, this has given a whole new meaning to the term ‘gorilla warfare’.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.