Saturday, 17 July 2010

‘Cat Burglar’ gets New Definition

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The owners of a larcenous manky moggie have reported their pet to the local Plod Squad after it started stealing dozens of items of underwear and pairs of women’s knickers from neighbouring garden washing lines.

Mrs Hilda Titwank of Smegma Hamlets at Scumborough-on-Sea adopted the 12-year-old feline kleptomaniac from the Twatford Prison for Wayward Pets last Christmas when he came up for parole on the Reformed Criminal Mousers website.
However, no sooner had Fagin, a marmalade ginger tom, settled in than he started carting home his stolen hauls.

In recent weeks the thieving cat has heisted an excess of 100 items leading his owners to inform the police. Mrs Titwank told one reporter from the Scallies Gazette that Fagin first started bringing home gardening gloves but quickly moved first onto socks and tea towels, then concentrated on ladies knickers – especially so frilly crotchless styles.

Hilda’s husband Wilf related that as the pilfered haul built up they became concerned that neighbours would think he was the thief “Seriously, I’ve already got me name on the Sex Offenders Register since I woz caught shaggin’ a sheep up on the moors last summer. All I need is now is the neighbour’s findin’ a bunch of stolen bra’s an’ panties here wot Hilda’s effin’ moggie’s nicked from their washin’ lines.”

“When we let him out fer a roam around he started bringin’ back gardening gloves and old condoms - and then he went up market and got inter thievin’ women's knickers – an’ it’s women’s kex wot’s his effin’ favourite – probably cos they still stink like fish – even after they’ve bin through the laundry.”

Chlamydia Mingerot, director of veterinary services at the Feline Probation Bureau, informed one reporter from the Thieving Tonk’s Review "Cats generally bring prey or other items back to the core area of their territory where they feel safe, usually the house for domestic cats.”
"This is a natural behaviour that is completely normal and wouldn’t be a cause for concern if it wasn’t items of female underwear that were being stolen."
“However one must remember Fagin is a tomcat so it’s quite possibly that pussy is being attracted by the smell of pussy.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

No comments: