Sunday, 25 July 2010

GPs Get Keys to NHS Piggy Bank

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Libservative coalition leader Posh Dave Scameron, deputy PM Mick Clogg, and their child god chancellor Georgie Oddball, GPs should have total responsibility for the National Ill-Health Service piggy bank and its budget constraints - and not the dodgy trusts that have been siphoning the spondoolies off willy-nilly since New Labour took office in 1997 and put Gordon Incapability Broon in charge of the nation’s purse strings.

Government Ministers, in their infinite wisdom, (sic) believe GPs are better placed than grasping NHS Trust managers to respond to patient needs and are petitioning doctors to club together in consortia, alike a coven of accountant cum auditor types, and take control of zillions of pounds of funds for mental health, hospital and community services – plus design provisions for their own fees and pensions – and annual performance bonuses.

However this drastic move, while obviously being maligned and lambasted by the NHS Trust manager-losers, has been questioned by a plethora of senior Shitehall civil service mandarins as to whether the medical profession has the skills to take on such a responsibility as the majority of GPs actually know next to fuck all about medicine or human anatomy, never mind the enigmatic vagaries of financial management or creative accountancy.

Sir Irwin Bogbrush, head of the civil service, opined to one reporter from the Disaster Brewers Gazette “This scheme is okay in principle, wanting to empower doctors to have more say in how funds are budgeted and disbursed throughout the NHS, but to put them in charge of the purse – well, that’s a totally different matter.”
”Personally I know a swathe of GPs who can’t even balance their own cheque books or golf club bar bills, never mind the NHS budget. The entire scheme comes across as one of Georgie Oddball handing them financial control of the NHS and when it goes tits up then the Libservatives will turn around and declare it was the GP’s own fault and nothing to do with the government.”

The NHS budget for 2010 stands at £105 zillion quid –of which 80% was given to grasping local health managers working for 152 primary care trusts - which in turn sub-contracted and commissioned services for their own areas – ripping off mega-bucks through the middle man process of legalised embezzlement.

The GP move has long been championed by Health Secretary Andrew Landslide and in recent months the British Medical Association has indicated it is open to working with the Libservative coalition and the British Association of Chartered Accountants on the numpty scheme, which one wit tendered “You never know, we might teach each other a few new tricks.”

Hmmmm, new tricks eh. GPs into creative accounting and the bean counters covered in blood doing coronary bypasses.

Conversely, Dr Basil Throt-Nott of the Quackford Institute for Clinical Excellence opined to Pox News that if the GPs had control of the NHS funds then just think how many more old farts Harold Shipman could have euthenised.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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