Sunday, 11 July 2010

Cameron’s Vanity Snapper Kiboshed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A covert scheme to give David Cameron’s ‘vanity photographer’ a £35,000 quid per annum ‘official’ Whitehall post paid for by Britain’s hapless taxpayers was lambasted and savaged by the rabid pit bull MPs manning the Labour opposition benches in the House of Conmans yesterday.

Professional photographer Klaus van der Twatte is currently paid by Tory HQ to provide ‘intimate’ pictures of the Prime Minister and members of the Cabinet working inside No 10 for their Spin-a-Win PR campaigns and press distribution.

However the Sunday Scandalmonger has learnt that Downing Street aides have discussed the possibility of a permanent job in Government for him so he is available to photograph the Prime Minister 24/7 and churn our lots and lots of ‘Look Good’ piccies of Dave in action – a man of the people hugging hoodies and shaking hands with lepers.

Norm Scrunt, the Labour MP for Landfill Hamlets, opined to one reporter from the Daily Shitraker ‘There’d be a public outrage cos the unemployed an’ low-paid are under the lash cos of Georgie Oddborne’s spending cutbacks an’ Posh Dave Cameron puts his personal photographer on the payroll. The smarmy git’s gonna get himself labelled as ‘Vanity Dave’ or ‘Mr Scameron’.

Ms Candida Muffitch, political editor at ‘Image’ magazine, told Pox News “It would be a kick in the teeth to thousands of public-sector workers who face losing their jobs or a pay freeze, and an all-round insult when we’re told we’ll all have to share the fiscal belt-tightening and the pain.”
“Such a job creation scheme will most definitely backfire on this dodgy coalition like a cloned Lexus with the timing belt slipping and go to prove what many of us have suspected all along – that Cameron’s a narcissistic prat who’s more concerned about promoting his vainglorious personae on the international stage than sorting out our nation’s fucked up finances.”

Herr van der Twatte was at the centre of controversy last year after Posh Dave ensured he was present at the Field of Remembrance at Westminster Abbey for a carefully choreographed photoshoot – with critics claiming the Tory leader had used the occasion for personal political gain when he did fourteen re-takes of laying his wreath and eventually fell over his own slack-jawed smile.

One Downing Street insider turned whistle-blower, who spoke to the media on conditions of anonymity (Sir Irwin Fuctifino) revealed that No 10 officials were keen to make daily use of Herr van der Twatte’s obvious talents in capturing Posh Dave’s ‘photogenic side’, but Tory chiefs were reluctant to carry on paying his wages indefinitely.

The anonymous source further confided “One idea being floated is to find him a job in an obscure Whitehall department with a vague job description, leaving him free to be Dave’s photographer at all times. The problem is finding a suitable cover but we might just create a further cabinet post and make him Minister for Garden Sheds – or Duck Islands, perhaps.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area (Whitehall) and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

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