Thursday, 15 July 2010

Ramadan Fever Infects School Curriculum

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Swimming lessons in Smegmashire schools should be halted during Ramadan to ensure Muslim pupils "do not swallow water", according to an 120-page ‘Islamic Festivals Political Correctness Guide’ issued by the Smegmadale-on-Sea Council for schools to help pupils who may be fasting when the new term starts in September.

The report maintains that swimming can be acceptable to certain Muslim sects - even the smelly ones such as the Shites - whose cultural preference is to avoid washing or bathing at all costs (hence the term “You smell like Shite”) - but posed a high risk of swallowing water that may break a fast if they fail to keep their gobs shut while having a paddle.

Islam requires Muslims to fast from dawn until dusk for one month each year – a bit like the Townswomen’s Guild Slimming Club – with this year's Ramadan – one of the Five Pillars of Islam (a moveable essential observance) - scheduled to kick off on or around the 11th August and finish 29.5 days later – a most lunar-orientated ritual.

Going into total idiocy mode, the report further suggests the re-scheduling of sex education classes during the Islamic holy lunar month, as Muslim followers who have reached puberty (grown hair they can sit on) are required to avoid sexual thoughts during this period.
Well, obviously we wouldn’t want little Achmed getting a ‘stiffy’ while listening to teacher explain how the birds and bees get it all on – or dear Fatima becoming all wet between her thighs at lascivious thoughts of three-hole sex while lecherously contemplating what she might do next with Achmed’s stiffy.

So, that’s it. No swallowing water – or anything else – even if you are dehydrated to fuck and in danger of suffering a diabetic stroke or going into a coma. Plus no orgasms for a month either – and that covers all forms of coitus too. Vibrators, cucumbers, egg plants, tribbing, blow-up dolls, playing the beast with two backs, irrumatio, bonking sheep or goats - or doing the Widow Palm. No humping each other or jacking off – period - and Allah will love you for it. Well, that’s the gospel (Islamic) according to the manky mullahs, anyways.

What a fucked up system of spiritual beliefs we labour under – adhering to outmoded religious dogma that’s centuries – if not millenniums – past its use-by date. Ramadan, Lent, the Sabbaths, Yom Kippur. Thank Christ (whoops!) we’re past the Inquisition and weekly witch burnings. Wouldn’t that little carbon emissions scenario put a damper on your cap and trade credit balance – broomsticks, black cats, warts and all.

Further to the afore-mentioned insanities, because of the religious requirement for Muslims to avoid eating during sunlight hours, some pupils get up before dawn to cheat and have a good nosh breakfast of bacon and eggs – or halal Corn Flakes.
Now, following the same numpty logic and asinine dialectics, schools are being advised this can disrupt pupils' sleeping patterns and it suggests examinations could be re-scheduled to reflect their lower levels of concentration – such as giving them a ‘dopey twats’ handicap.

Conversely, Bazzer McSrunt, president of the National Secular Society and apparently the only one with two brain cells to rub together regarding the Ramadan fiasco, told one reporter from the Triple K Gazette “What a load of old bollocks this crap is. Surely it’s possible for Muslim pupils to be withdrawn from those elements of the school day that they aren’t supposed to participate in during Ramadan without imposing the same restrictions on every fucker else and their dog, isn’t it?”
“Seriously, why the fuck are we accommodating a bunch of bomb-chucking heathens who hate our Democratic freedoms. Rearranging an entire school schedule for a month to satisfy the religious sensibilities of a wholly foreign culture and barbaric belief system is not quite cricket.”

Will you be going swimming in the oasis during Ramadan? Do you get up at midnight to have a bowl of Shreddies? How about orgasm denial or full penetration sex? What does the Koran say about having a quick hand job? Are we safe from Jolly Jihad suicide bombers during Ramadan?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a free ticket to next year’s Hajj in manky Mecca and take a Time Machine trip back into the Middle Ages. Don’t forget – it’s still 1431 AD in Saudi Arabia – the Dark Ages – with electricity in almost every tent and discipline with a capital D.

Yep, Saudi Arabia – they’ve got it all. The Mutaween religious police and their ever-popular Sharia Law. Stonings for adultery, goat bonking and double parking. Amputations for theft (actually getting caught for theft). Beheading for murder, rape, apostasy, armed robbery, drug trafficking and repeated drug use.
Lashings seem to fit the bill for most other minor civil infractions or transgressing their unwritten laws - that they seem to make up as they go along. Dontcha just love that Old Time religion.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of theological lunacy.

No comments: