Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Freshman MP Too Drunk to Vote Fiasco

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Conservative MP for Boozedale-on-the-Wold, who has been stricken with the most fitting surname of ‘Reckless’ since birth, has apologised to everyone and their dog, and also kissed a goodly number of ranking political arses in penance for being drunk in the House of Conmans and missing a vital vote on the Libservative Coalition’s ‘Oddborne Slasher Budget’.

Ronnie Reckless told one reporter from the Sad Gits Review that he did not feel it was appropriate to take part in the vote in the early hours of Wednesday due the fact he was pissed out of his tiny brain in the Parliamentary bar and could hardly stand up, never mind take part in a show of hands and shout “Aye!” – or “Nay!”- to whatever the fuck the vote was about.

Reckless is one of 227 new MPs who started work at Westminster following the general election on 6 May and hasn’t quite yet grasped the hang of Parliamentary procedure – that he should be in the chamber sat on the nice green leather benches at the back – where he can get a good view of what’s going on - and not stood at the bar all day – and night – quaffing duty-free measures of plonk and watching the World Cup, Wimbledon, horse racing or golf tournaments on the 120 inch plasma HD telly.

The erring MP admitted "Really, I’m so fucking embarrassed and apologise unreservedly to my constituents in wherever the fuck it is I’m supposed to be representing. How the hell was I to know I was there to look after the interests of the stupid pillocks who voted for me. No fucker mentioned anything about that side of the job until Sir Ghengis McTwat, the Chief Whip, collared me this morning and gave me the buggering of my life for missing Georgie Oddball’s budget vote.”

Whistle-blowing bar staff candidly informed reporters from the red top tabloid gutter press that Reckless started on the pop early in the afternoon of the second reading of the Finance Bill and was glued to the horse racing on the bar’s goggle box as he had a three-way bet on a troupe of donkeys running at Newmarket

Head Barman Len Scrunt related “He’s obviously not used ter so much cheap booze on expenses an’ was throwin’ Old Headbanger lager an’ Glen Mangie first malt chasers down his gullet like it was goin’ outa fashion.”
“We reckoned he must have bin one over the eight as he started chattin’ up old ‘Dumpy Dwarf’ Hazel Blears – the expenses-fiddlin’ Labour MP for Slagford – an’ buyin’ her pints of draught Guinness. I mean he must have bin pissed or has a grudge against sex ter wanna shag that old ginger mingin’ trout.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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