Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
A set of fantasy figures issued by the Caledonian Department for Creative Accounting & Number Joggling indicates that 3,194 crimes of having a knife (skean dhu, claymore or Yardie type machete) in public – including possession by amok celebrity chefs and psychopathic Boy Scouts - were committed in 2009-2010 period, a drop of 22% on the previous year.
The questionable fall was welcomed by ‘selective attentions’ Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill, who boasted it showed that the HSE educational posters declaring “Knives are sharp and can cut you!” plus tough enforcement by the tartan Plod Squads was paying off.
Hmmm, obviously paying off a lot better than the investigation of the myriad cases of rampant child sexual abuse around Aberdeen – the kiddie fiddling capital of Scotland – not by your usual suspects, the Catholic priests either - but establishment local worthies – Freemasons to a man – Procurator Fiscal to Sheriff to police force to teachers to social workers to GPs – and old Uncle Tom Cobley and all - that are ignored – along with the systematic harassment - and assisted suicides / brutal murders - of those who file complaints.
Ah well, that’s the problem with Third World governments and justice systems - and secret society cults such as Freemasonry – all smiled upon by the ruling scumbags in Edinburgh’s Holyrood - so clannish and corrupt that they can get away with anything and pursue their disgusting perversions without fear of reprimand and punishment.
However, the glaring sins and shame of the Grampian area and Aberdeen aside, Scottish opposition parties are accusing the corrupt Injustice Secretary of being complacent on the issue as over the past three years there has been a 30% fall in arrests for the possession of all low tech’ offensive weapons – mainly the Scottish pub fight specials – a 2 x 4 lump of timber with a 6 inch nail driven through one end – or Mum’s carving knife – or an Old Headbanger lager bottle.
Now the yobs and scallies and other assorted crim’s have evolved to guns - or electric drills to bore holes in each other when they restage the Battle of Killiecrankie every Saturday night.
However the Scots baddies are a bit more switched on than their IRA and Provo contemporaries from across the water in the Emerald Isle as they are buying battery pack portable models to ‘drill’ each other with - and so not facing the same problems and setbacks when carrying out a Belfast knee-capping job with their Black and Decker and have to walk around like a numbskull prat with a 100 meter extension lead and find somewhere to plug it in first.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Thursday, 30 September 2010
EUSSR Outlaws Herbs for Big Pharma
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Just as the Vatican’s ruling pond scum ordered the witch hunts of the Dark and Middle Ages to eradicate the heretical hermits and old crones, those worshippers of the Tree and the Stone, so well versed in naturopathic and herbal knowledge, again we see a parallel revival of this sin.
Big Pharma is set to pull the biggest ‘criminal’ April Fool’s joke of all time in 2011 and cross the finish line first, having finally won its decades-long contest to eradicate all competition – especially so from the alternative treatments and herbal medicines community – and the gross violations of self-determination and human rights be damned.
As of the 1st April 2011 all medicinal herbs will become illegal across and throughout the EUSSR’s 27 member states when the European Directive on Traditional Herbal Medicinal Products (THMPD) is enforced.
This dystopian directive requires that all herbal preparations must be put through the same manner of processing and testing as pharmaceuticals, regardless of whether a herb has been in common daily or seasonal use since Adam and Eve got their sorry arses evicted from Eden for scrumping and non-payment of rent.
The wholly corrupt EUSSR institution, which enshrined corporatism in its constitution as a founding principle, is set to dance the jig to Big Pharma’s tune, and ignore the stark reality of the fact that just because a herb has been used safely and effectively since time immemorial it is no longer a viable reason to allow it to be grown, harvested, processed and sold without the same stringent regulations that apply to the legion of synthetic drugs and medicines that government licensing bodies approve for Big Pharma.
Hmmm, dodgy drugs sanctioned for human use even with conjured test results doctored and rigged to conceal the fact that negative side effects of these drugs on lab’ rats - both pathological and psychological – exceed those of a cocktail of cannabis, LSD and plutonium 239.
So, under this novel vetting procedure a classical herbal medicine from a non-European traditional culture passing successfully and without hindrance through the Brussels-based EUSSR’s registration scheme will become akin to shoving butter up a rabid porcupine’s arsehole with a pair of hot curling tongs.
Hence as of April 1st, it will be illegal to rub a dock leaf on a nettle sting – unless said dock leaf has been prescribed by your GP. Hmmm, one ponders on the legal status of eating your recommended five-a-day fruits and veggies as they’ve been deemed to ‘promote good health’?
So, if mass protest does not halt this travesty then it’s going to be bye-bye traditional Chinese medicine and all those healing herbs – the fruits and bounty of Gaia - for whatever ails us Mother Nature can provide a cure.
Alas, humanity has an established record of suffering from cognitive impairment where matters of life or death decision are concerned and only corrects these later through 20/20 hindsight and after much suffering.
It is a sad fact – humanity’s curious refusal to behave rationally in what seems their own best interest, and while endowed with the facility of logic and reason, prefers folly.
Conversely, just imagine the implications for freedom of choice if humanity used its numerical potential to say NO to the system and ceased to cooperate with its own enslavement.
So, if anyone’s interested enough in protecting their hallowed and historic and traditional right to herbal remedies and wants to kick this heinous THMPD legislation squarely in the arse – and too the equally-atrocious Codex Alimentarius - then e-mail or write to your local MP and MEP with the following message: “Protect nutritional supplements and nature’s herbs as foods or we will remove you from office”.
As the maxim goes: You might not be able to cure stupid but you can vote it out.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy.
Oh, and by the way, fuck the EUSSR’s Directive on Traditional Herbal Medicinal Products - and Big Pharma - and the New World Order.
https://www.secure.europarl.europa.eu/parliament/public/citizensMail/secured/cmRequest.do?cmLanguage=en
Just as the Vatican’s ruling pond scum ordered the witch hunts of the Dark and Middle Ages to eradicate the heretical hermits and old crones, those worshippers of the Tree and the Stone, so well versed in naturopathic and herbal knowledge, again we see a parallel revival of this sin.
Big Pharma is set to pull the biggest ‘criminal’ April Fool’s joke of all time in 2011 and cross the finish line first, having finally won its decades-long contest to eradicate all competition – especially so from the alternative treatments and herbal medicines community – and the gross violations of self-determination and human rights be damned.
As of the 1st April 2011 all medicinal herbs will become illegal across and throughout the EUSSR’s 27 member states when the European Directive on Traditional Herbal Medicinal Products (THMPD) is enforced.
This dystopian directive requires that all herbal preparations must be put through the same manner of processing and testing as pharmaceuticals, regardless of whether a herb has been in common daily or seasonal use since Adam and Eve got their sorry arses evicted from Eden for scrumping and non-payment of rent.
The wholly corrupt EUSSR institution, which enshrined corporatism in its constitution as a founding principle, is set to dance the jig to Big Pharma’s tune, and ignore the stark reality of the fact that just because a herb has been used safely and effectively since time immemorial it is no longer a viable reason to allow it to be grown, harvested, processed and sold without the same stringent regulations that apply to the legion of synthetic drugs and medicines that government licensing bodies approve for Big Pharma.
Hmmm, dodgy drugs sanctioned for human use even with conjured test results doctored and rigged to conceal the fact that negative side effects of these drugs on lab’ rats - both pathological and psychological – exceed those of a cocktail of cannabis, LSD and plutonium 239.
So, under this novel vetting procedure a classical herbal medicine from a non-European traditional culture passing successfully and without hindrance through the Brussels-based EUSSR’s registration scheme will become akin to shoving butter up a rabid porcupine’s arsehole with a pair of hot curling tongs.
Hence as of April 1st, it will be illegal to rub a dock leaf on a nettle sting – unless said dock leaf has been prescribed by your GP. Hmmm, one ponders on the legal status of eating your recommended five-a-day fruits and veggies as they’ve been deemed to ‘promote good health’?
So, if mass protest does not halt this travesty then it’s going to be bye-bye traditional Chinese medicine and all those healing herbs – the fruits and bounty of Gaia - for whatever ails us Mother Nature can provide a cure.
Alas, humanity has an established record of suffering from cognitive impairment where matters of life or death decision are concerned and only corrects these later through 20/20 hindsight and after much suffering.
It is a sad fact – humanity’s curious refusal to behave rationally in what seems their own best interest, and while endowed with the facility of logic and reason, prefers folly.
Conversely, just imagine the implications for freedom of choice if humanity used its numerical potential to say NO to the system and ceased to cooperate with its own enslavement.
So, if anyone’s interested enough in protecting their hallowed and historic and traditional right to herbal remedies and wants to kick this heinous THMPD legislation squarely in the arse – and too the equally-atrocious Codex Alimentarius - then e-mail or write to your local MP and MEP with the following message: “Protect nutritional supplements and nature’s herbs as foods or we will remove you from office”.
As the maxim goes: You might not be able to cure stupid but you can vote it out.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy.
Oh, and by the way, fuck the EUSSR’s Directive on Traditional Herbal Medicinal Products - and Big Pharma - and the New World Order.
https://www.secure.europarl.europa.eu/parliament/public/citizensMail/secured/cmRequest.do?cmLanguage=en
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Lizzie Loads Heating Bills onto Taxpayers
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
According to a Buckingham Palace insider cum whistleblower working for Ox-Rat, the international graft and corruption watchdog charity, the UK’s ‘Gracious and Noble Queen’ – the Lizzie Mark 2 ‘scroungebag’ model – has petitioned government ministers for a poverty handout to help heat her collection of draughty old palaces but was given the big finger as they feared it would be a public relations disaster – more so for themselves than the Royal Parasites Club.
Royal aides were told that the £60 zillion quidsworth of energy-saving grants were aimed at families on low incomes – and no incomes - and if the money was given to the wicked Windsor family instead of housing associations or hospitals it would generate shedloads of adverse publicity for the Queen and the Government – and quite possibly lead to repercussions reminiscent to the storming of the Bastille and the end of the bungling bloated Bourbon dynasty’s ‘happy days’ of eating cake – or the shameless Romanovs getting shot in a cellars of Ipatiev House in Yekaterinburg by a bunch of bolshie Bolsheviks.
However, aides put on their practiced ‘whinge’ act and complained to ministers that the Queen's gas and electricity bills, which have increased by 50% for the 2010 / 2011 period, stood at more than £1 zillion nicker a year and had become untenable – much the same as the common peasants are currently experiencing.
The Royal Household have further complained that the ‘paltry’ £15 million quid the government grant (read ‘taxpayer’) to maintain the Queen's collection of ostentatious palaces was inadequate – which drew a host of negative comments from a legion of first time home buyers living in two up-two down terrace houses in Skidrow Hamlets and surviving off jobseeker’s allowance with bailiffs banging on the doors every five minutes – with one wit stating “Yeah, at least she’s got the Royal Guardsmen ter keep the effin’ bailffs off her back.”
In 2009, the London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense commissioned a thermal imaging survey to be undertaken at Buckingham Palace to measure the energy waste and establish a carbon footprint benchmark for the City’s royal residences.
Alas the survey revealed mega-BTU’s of heat pouring through the portcullis and closed curtained windows, the roof and cracks in the walls. A team of energy surveyors labelled the Palace as shocking and appalling - the biggest central heating radiator in London and gave it a score of zero out of ten. St James's Palace came in at 12th place in the survey of 170 buildings with a score of only three out of ten.
A later assessment of the Queen’s Scotland-based Balmoral Castle, applying the EUSSR regulation minimum temperature statistics for both human and animal habitats found it so draughty and cold that it was considered unfit to keep penguins, let alone house humans, corgis – or pigs.
The scrounging old baggage and her Greek neo-Nazi spouse Philip the Virus Man already claim their Winter Fuel Allowance, just the same as the peasants, even though she’s got more money than Croesus.
Hasn’t anyone informed the numpty dumpty royals that the whole fucking country’s been told to tighten its belt and here she is running how many holiday homes and official residences for her flock of hanger’s on – all these so-called grace and favour accommodations on the royal estates that were built around the time of the Norman conquest and should have been demolished centuries ago. All this at the taxpayer’s expense and now she wants her heating bills paid too? The slag's got more cheek than a Hottentot’s arse.
For fuck’s sake doesn’t the barmy old bat realise the country’s in a depression and it’s the likes of her and leeching mates who have caused it. Even our millionaire PM Posh Dave Cameron has had to cut down on expenditures to the extent sexy Sammy can’t even afford a cot for the new baby Florrie – the poor little twat’s sleeping in a cardboard box her elder sister pinched from the back of the Tesco’s Whitehall outlet and knocked up for her with a Salvation Army blanket and a pillow filched from the school nativity play stockroom – then decorated it with a box of Banksie crayons.
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, coal seams, nuclear power plants or wind turbines were cut down, mined or turned on while posting this message. However, a large number of royal fireplaces went temporarily unlit.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
According to a Buckingham Palace insider cum whistleblower working for Ox-Rat, the international graft and corruption watchdog charity, the UK’s ‘Gracious and Noble Queen’ – the Lizzie Mark 2 ‘scroungebag’ model – has petitioned government ministers for a poverty handout to help heat her collection of draughty old palaces but was given the big finger as they feared it would be a public relations disaster – more so for themselves than the Royal Parasites Club.
Royal aides were told that the £60 zillion quidsworth of energy-saving grants were aimed at families on low incomes – and no incomes - and if the money was given to the wicked Windsor family instead of housing associations or hospitals it would generate shedloads of adverse publicity for the Queen and the Government – and quite possibly lead to repercussions reminiscent to the storming of the Bastille and the end of the bungling bloated Bourbon dynasty’s ‘happy days’ of eating cake – or the shameless Romanovs getting shot in a cellars of Ipatiev House in Yekaterinburg by a bunch of bolshie Bolsheviks.
However, aides put on their practiced ‘whinge’ act and complained to ministers that the Queen's gas and electricity bills, which have increased by 50% for the 2010 / 2011 period, stood at more than £1 zillion nicker a year and had become untenable – much the same as the common peasants are currently experiencing.
The Royal Household have further complained that the ‘paltry’ £15 million quid the government grant (read ‘taxpayer’) to maintain the Queen's collection of ostentatious palaces was inadequate – which drew a host of negative comments from a legion of first time home buyers living in two up-two down terrace houses in Skidrow Hamlets and surviving off jobseeker’s allowance with bailiffs banging on the doors every five minutes – with one wit stating “Yeah, at least she’s got the Royal Guardsmen ter keep the effin’ bailffs off her back.”
In 2009, the London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense commissioned a thermal imaging survey to be undertaken at Buckingham Palace to measure the energy waste and establish a carbon footprint benchmark for the City’s royal residences.
Alas the survey revealed mega-BTU’s of heat pouring through the portcullis and closed curtained windows, the roof and cracks in the walls. A team of energy surveyors labelled the Palace as shocking and appalling - the biggest central heating radiator in London and gave it a score of zero out of ten. St James's Palace came in at 12th place in the survey of 170 buildings with a score of only three out of ten.
A later assessment of the Queen’s Scotland-based Balmoral Castle, applying the EUSSR regulation minimum temperature statistics for both human and animal habitats found it so draughty and cold that it was considered unfit to keep penguins, let alone house humans, corgis – or pigs.
The scrounging old baggage and her Greek neo-Nazi spouse Philip the Virus Man already claim their Winter Fuel Allowance, just the same as the peasants, even though she’s got more money than Croesus.
Hasn’t anyone informed the numpty dumpty royals that the whole fucking country’s been told to tighten its belt and here she is running how many holiday homes and official residences for her flock of hanger’s on – all these so-called grace and favour accommodations on the royal estates that were built around the time of the Norman conquest and should have been demolished centuries ago. All this at the taxpayer’s expense and now she wants her heating bills paid too? The slag's got more cheek than a Hottentot’s arse.
For fuck’s sake doesn’t the barmy old bat realise the country’s in a depression and it’s the likes of her and leeching mates who have caused it. Even our millionaire PM Posh Dave Cameron has had to cut down on expenditures to the extent sexy Sammy can’t even afford a cot for the new baby Florrie – the poor little twat’s sleeping in a cardboard box her elder sister pinched from the back of the Tesco’s Whitehall outlet and knocked up for her with a Salvation Army blanket and a pillow filched from the school nativity play stockroom – then decorated it with a box of Banksie crayons.
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, coal seams, nuclear power plants or wind turbines were cut down, mined or turned on while posting this message. However, a large number of royal fireplaces went temporarily unlit.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Baby Racist Clampdown Imposed
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
In compliance with dystopic EUSSR regulations, UK teachers are being coerced into reporting children as young as three years old to the Big Brother Authority’s ‘Political Correctness’ division for using alleged ‘racist’ language towards other pupils.
Minjeeta Mizrable, a senior advisor to London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense, told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker that schools were being made to spy on nursery age youngsters under the statutes of the insane Race Relations Act 2000 – with more than a quarter of a million children being accused of racism since it became law.
Writing in ‘Which Golly?’ magazine, Minjeeta stated: “The more we seek to measure racism, the more it seems to grow – and last week we had the instance of four-year old Candida Muffitch – a white girl - being cautioned by her headmistress at the Scumdale Hamlets Asbo Central kindergarten for calling another white girl a ‘piece of honkey shit’ – a term she had picked up from an African-Caribbean female pupil in their class. The white girl in question, at whom the original insult was directed, then responded with “Get fucked ya hoe nigga bitch” – to a fellow white pupil.”
“Really, the world has gone totally nuts when you can no longer call a spade ‘a spade’ – or a shovel. Then we have this case of a gym teacher being suspended in Notting Hill when he wrote on the report card of one 14-year old African-Caribbean pupil that the reason he didn’t perform well at sports was due the huge chip he was carrying on his shoulder – more so than the negative physical effects of the two packs of Marlboro he was smoking – along with several biftas.”
“So, thanks to the Tavistock Institute’s policy for generating fear and suspicion to create a totally dysfunctional society – helped along by the Common Purpose NLP-brainwashing cult – school teachers are now required to report incidents of racist abuse among children as young as three years old to local authorities, resulting in a massive increase of cases and reinforcing the illusionary perception that we need an army of social workers and psychologists to manage race relations from cradle to grave. Conversely this heightened awareness of racism does not help to stamp it out but rather achieves an opposite effect in creating a climate of anxiety and suspicion.”
The Race Relations Act 2000 compelled 43,000 public authorities, including schools and churches, to promote good relations between persons of different racial groups.
The civil liberties group the Manifesto Club, report that between 2002 and 2009, a total of 280,000 incidents have been reported by a variety of Community Enforcement snoops and snitches, with the details of all such incidents being logged on Big Brother databases for processing by social services who then determine that the cause of the problem in children is bad parenting and thus snatch the child to go into care with a pre-selected and approved set of Satanist paedophile foster parents.
While the entire theme of racist remarks at school is traditionally viewed as one of white pupils directing such slanders at black pupils, Dr Julius Bungeecord, a child of Chinese-Indian-African-Jamaican parentage, who is a devout Pancake Tuesday Adventist at the First Zionist Church for Latter Day Kikesters, relates a wholly different story and poo-poo’s the belief that black pupils are held back by teachers who view them as mini gangsta rappers.
The former teacher, who runs an educational charity for black children, alternatively blames poor parenting and the youngsters’ own shit-for-brains attitude.
“What we are looking at in schools is children undermined by poor parenting, peer-group pressure and an inability to be responsible for their own behaviour. These kids are not subjects of institutional racism but failed their GCSE’s because they said bollocks to their home-work, didn’t pay attention in class and dissed their teachers.”
“These African-Caribbean boys – aka apprentice Yardies - are also the group most likely to be excluded from school as all they want is to listen to Marley and 2Pac hip-hop and gangsta rap crap while sculling down bottles of meths and smoking biftas.”
“So, this Race Relations Act can be applied any which way but loose but it isn’t going to alter human nature or people’s true perceptions of their darker brothers - or likewise that convenient illusory fallacy of a repressive honky jackboot forever on their necks.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.
In compliance with dystopic EUSSR regulations, UK teachers are being coerced into reporting children as young as three years old to the Big Brother Authority’s ‘Political Correctness’ division for using alleged ‘racist’ language towards other pupils.
Minjeeta Mizrable, a senior advisor to London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense, told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker that schools were being made to spy on nursery age youngsters under the statutes of the insane Race Relations Act 2000 – with more than a quarter of a million children being accused of racism since it became law.
Writing in ‘Which Golly?’ magazine, Minjeeta stated: “The more we seek to measure racism, the more it seems to grow – and last week we had the instance of four-year old Candida Muffitch – a white girl - being cautioned by her headmistress at the Scumdale Hamlets Asbo Central kindergarten for calling another white girl a ‘piece of honkey shit’ – a term she had picked up from an African-Caribbean female pupil in their class. The white girl in question, at whom the original insult was directed, then responded with “Get fucked ya hoe nigga bitch” – to a fellow white pupil.”
“Really, the world has gone totally nuts when you can no longer call a spade ‘a spade’ – or a shovel. Then we have this case of a gym teacher being suspended in Notting Hill when he wrote on the report card of one 14-year old African-Caribbean pupil that the reason he didn’t perform well at sports was due the huge chip he was carrying on his shoulder – more so than the negative physical effects of the two packs of Marlboro he was smoking – along with several biftas.”
“So, thanks to the Tavistock Institute’s policy for generating fear and suspicion to create a totally dysfunctional society – helped along by the Common Purpose NLP-brainwashing cult – school teachers are now required to report incidents of racist abuse among children as young as three years old to local authorities, resulting in a massive increase of cases and reinforcing the illusionary perception that we need an army of social workers and psychologists to manage race relations from cradle to grave. Conversely this heightened awareness of racism does not help to stamp it out but rather achieves an opposite effect in creating a climate of anxiety and suspicion.”
The Race Relations Act 2000 compelled 43,000 public authorities, including schools and churches, to promote good relations between persons of different racial groups.
The civil liberties group the Manifesto Club, report that between 2002 and 2009, a total of 280,000 incidents have been reported by a variety of Community Enforcement snoops and snitches, with the details of all such incidents being logged on Big Brother databases for processing by social services who then determine that the cause of the problem in children is bad parenting and thus snatch the child to go into care with a pre-selected and approved set of Satanist paedophile foster parents.
While the entire theme of racist remarks at school is traditionally viewed as one of white pupils directing such slanders at black pupils, Dr Julius Bungeecord, a child of Chinese-Indian-African-Jamaican parentage, who is a devout Pancake Tuesday Adventist at the First Zionist Church for Latter Day Kikesters, relates a wholly different story and poo-poo’s the belief that black pupils are held back by teachers who view them as mini gangsta rappers.
The former teacher, who runs an educational charity for black children, alternatively blames poor parenting and the youngsters’ own shit-for-brains attitude.
“What we are looking at in schools is children undermined by poor parenting, peer-group pressure and an inability to be responsible for their own behaviour. These kids are not subjects of institutional racism but failed their GCSE’s because they said bollocks to their home-work, didn’t pay attention in class and dissed their teachers.”
“These African-Caribbean boys – aka apprentice Yardies - are also the group most likely to be excluded from school as all they want is to listen to Marley and 2Pac hip-hop and gangsta rap crap while sculling down bottles of meths and smoking biftas.”
“So, this Race Relations Act can be applied any which way but loose but it isn’t going to alter human nature or people’s true perceptions of their darker brothers - or likewise that convenient illusory fallacy of a repressive honky jackboot forever on their necks.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Chief Plod Issues ASBO Warning
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Britain’s Chief Inspector of Constabulary, Sir Dinsdale O’Scrunt, today informed a reporter from the Scumbags Gazette that some Plod Squads in England and Wales were already responding too slowly to harassment calls from vulnerable people - thus cutting police budgets - and hence efforts to fight anti-social behaviour - would be a very significant mistake for Western civilisation in general.
When asked to elucidate which sector of society he was actually referring to when he mentioned ‘vulnerable people’ Sir Dinsdale candidly replied that this category cut a broad swathe through the public domain and could include Dunblane school kids, G20 demonstrators, Brazilian electricians, and anyone who wasn’t armed with more weapons than the local Asbo Gangs around Scally Alley – or the police.
CI O’Scrunt’s warning comes in a wide-ranging review of how well forces tackle anti-social behaviour, backed up by a survey of more than a dozen people. He claimed officers did not take anti-social behaviour seriously due the fact they had been brainwashed into accepting it didn’t actually constitute a real crime – until someone got stabbed, shot or set on fire.
Nine out of the twelve people questioned in the survey told Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC) that as far as they were concerned, as taxpayers, the police should be responsible for dealing with anti-social behaviour due the fact that if the public formed vigilante lynch mobs to solve the problem then they’d get hit with harassment cautions and possibly a community service order.
More than a third of those who had experienced anti-social behaviour problems from pissy-arsed yobs and scallies in town centres at night had changed their routines, such as having a lock-in and staying in the pub until the next morning.
Seven out of 10 people said they had experienced intimidation after ‘having a go’ and standing up to bullies - rising to more than nine out of 10 where the victim was disabled – due being belted over the bonce and knees with a baseball bat or tyre iron – or their own Zimmer frame.
Sir Dinsdale further warned that “If public spending cuts force the police to neglect the yobster behaviour problem, then that could tip some areas into an even worse accelerated spiral of economic and social decline. Of course, the expelled Labour government can claim responsibility for the former - along with Slaggie Thatcher’s catastrophic de-industrialisation policies – and the Tavistock Institute’s brainchild – the Common Purpose political correctness cult - for the latter.”
“However, in all fairness to Julia Middleton’s little NLP brainwashing club with their mantras and mesmeric sound bites - hope, change, reform - generating unthinking acquiescence, the break up of nationalistic pride and the family unit - and the halt to the disciplining of kids - actually kick started in the 1960’s with the rise of immigration and the Greedy Grocer supermarket chains which brought about the rapid and sad extinction of the established and cherished High Street traders and too, the utter destruction of cultural diversity throughout the UK.”
“This is what they are setting out to do in their grand New World Order plan – create the breathing space for, and encourage the evolution of, a wholly dysfunctional youth society to provide the venue for introducing – then enforcing – a total control society al la Huxley, Kafka and Orwell.”
“The establishment’s purposely killing the age of innocence - with their sex education lessons starting at 5-years old – corrupting core moral values. Then we have this availability of narcotic drugs – supplemented by prescribed psychotropic drugs to curb ‘aggressive’ behaviour – your Ritalins and Prozacs – and all this hype concerning cheap plonk and booze encouraging binge drinking in youths, and promoting anti-social behaviour.”
"Police chiefs across our once sceptred isle of Albion freely admit they are deeply aware of the impact of anti-social and bully boy behaviour – such as evidenced by the sadistic actions of their own officers in the cases of Sgt Delboy Smellie vs Nicola of the Fisher family (2009 G20 protest); PC Simon Harwood vs Ian, late of the Tomlinson family (RIP); and Sgt Mark Andrews (now jailed) vs 59-year old Pamela of the Somerville family."
The wizened O’Scrunt continued “So, just imagine, if this is what happens at legitimate G20 demonstrations – with young girls and innocent news vendors getting beaten with Asps and punched – and murdered by our own officers – and too in our very own police stations with senior citizens being dragged across the floor and thrown violently into cells head-first, what are these yobs on the streets capable of, I ask you?”
“I mean, if this is what our own supercilious coppers are up to after graduating from these dodgy taxpayer-funded Common Purpose ‘leadership’ and ‘perception management’ courses – this last one being a euphemism for lies and propaganda - then what do you think the gangs of yobs and scallies out on the streets are doing? Total fucking anarchy and mayhem, mark my words. That’s why we need more real plods to reinforce our ranks, not less like this clot Cameron and his mate Oddbourne are planning.”
“So who do we need to sort the anti-social conduct problem out really, when a street gang’s prison-depleted ranks are simply restored with a cyclic recruitment of young yobs? Old style coppers who’ll take no guff and dish out a good clout round the ear or a kick in the arse? Bring back the Peelers, and the birch and hanging? Resurrect the likes of PC George Dockson of Green Dick? The Bill? Z-Cars? The Thin Blue Line? The Sweeny? I mean to say, would the likes of The Bill’s Sgt Fellattia Titwank or Inspector Raymond Fowler frighten off the Southwark Scrotum Rippers or the Tottenham Mandem or a bunch of drug-crazed Yardies armed to the teeth with machetes and Uzis?”
“What we need to expand and toughen up our ranks is more Feet on the Street coppers who are ex-military – and not these poofters with a PCSO hi-viz stab vest on - or the lard-arsed traffic wardens cum Community Enforcement snoops and snitches. We want Slackwater XE mercenary types – put them out there scalp-hunting on piecework with a bounty on the die-hard yobsters – then they have to do the job to get paid. Wanted – dead or alive – that’s the way to get value for money and save time piss-arsing around in a Magistrate’s court doling out Asbo’s and community service orders.”
“This Libservative coalition needs reminding that if they do slash the police budget then we might not be able to cure stupid but we can vote it out of office come the next election. Mind you we already did that in May with Broon and and his gang of Labour clots – and ended up with Dumb and Dumber.”
Thought for the day: Common Purpose is a social engineering cult posing as a do-gooder charity that uses neuro-linguistic programming to brainwash its victims and negatively modify their mental and emotional behaviour so they are conditioned to believe they’re leadership quality material, ready to run the New World Order’s Dystopian nightmare - and are not to be confused with Common Porpoise – a ‘genuine’ registered charity that caters for distressed pelagic mammals of the dolphin genus.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Britain’s Chief Inspector of Constabulary, Sir Dinsdale O’Scrunt, today informed a reporter from the Scumbags Gazette that some Plod Squads in England and Wales were already responding too slowly to harassment calls from vulnerable people - thus cutting police budgets - and hence efforts to fight anti-social behaviour - would be a very significant mistake for Western civilisation in general.
When asked to elucidate which sector of society he was actually referring to when he mentioned ‘vulnerable people’ Sir Dinsdale candidly replied that this category cut a broad swathe through the public domain and could include Dunblane school kids, G20 demonstrators, Brazilian electricians, and anyone who wasn’t armed with more weapons than the local Asbo Gangs around Scally Alley – or the police.
CI O’Scrunt’s warning comes in a wide-ranging review of how well forces tackle anti-social behaviour, backed up by a survey of more than a dozen people. He claimed officers did not take anti-social behaviour seriously due the fact they had been brainwashed into accepting it didn’t actually constitute a real crime – until someone got stabbed, shot or set on fire.
Nine out of the twelve people questioned in the survey told Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC) that as far as they were concerned, as taxpayers, the police should be responsible for dealing with anti-social behaviour due the fact that if the public formed vigilante lynch mobs to solve the problem then they’d get hit with harassment cautions and possibly a community service order.
More than a third of those who had experienced anti-social behaviour problems from pissy-arsed yobs and scallies in town centres at night had changed their routines, such as having a lock-in and staying in the pub until the next morning.
Seven out of 10 people said they had experienced intimidation after ‘having a go’ and standing up to bullies - rising to more than nine out of 10 where the victim was disabled – due being belted over the bonce and knees with a baseball bat or tyre iron – or their own Zimmer frame.
Sir Dinsdale further warned that “If public spending cuts force the police to neglect the yobster behaviour problem, then that could tip some areas into an even worse accelerated spiral of economic and social decline. Of course, the expelled Labour government can claim responsibility for the former - along with Slaggie Thatcher’s catastrophic de-industrialisation policies – and the Tavistock Institute’s brainchild – the Common Purpose political correctness cult - for the latter.”
“However, in all fairness to Julia Middleton’s little NLP brainwashing club with their mantras and mesmeric sound bites - hope, change, reform - generating unthinking acquiescence, the break up of nationalistic pride and the family unit - and the halt to the disciplining of kids - actually kick started in the 1960’s with the rise of immigration and the Greedy Grocer supermarket chains which brought about the rapid and sad extinction of the established and cherished High Street traders and too, the utter destruction of cultural diversity throughout the UK.”
“This is what they are setting out to do in their grand New World Order plan – create the breathing space for, and encourage the evolution of, a wholly dysfunctional youth society to provide the venue for introducing – then enforcing – a total control society al la Huxley, Kafka and Orwell.”
“The establishment’s purposely killing the age of innocence - with their sex education lessons starting at 5-years old – corrupting core moral values. Then we have this availability of narcotic drugs – supplemented by prescribed psychotropic drugs to curb ‘aggressive’ behaviour – your Ritalins and Prozacs – and all this hype concerning cheap plonk and booze encouraging binge drinking in youths, and promoting anti-social behaviour.”
"Police chiefs across our once sceptred isle of Albion freely admit they are deeply aware of the impact of anti-social and bully boy behaviour – such as evidenced by the sadistic actions of their own officers in the cases of Sgt Delboy Smellie vs Nicola of the Fisher family (2009 G20 protest); PC Simon Harwood vs Ian, late of the Tomlinson family (RIP); and Sgt Mark Andrews (now jailed) vs 59-year old Pamela of the Somerville family."
The wizened O’Scrunt continued “So, just imagine, if this is what happens at legitimate G20 demonstrations – with young girls and innocent news vendors getting beaten with Asps and punched – and murdered by our own officers – and too in our very own police stations with senior citizens being dragged across the floor and thrown violently into cells head-first, what are these yobs on the streets capable of, I ask you?”
“I mean, if this is what our own supercilious coppers are up to after graduating from these dodgy taxpayer-funded Common Purpose ‘leadership’ and ‘perception management’ courses – this last one being a euphemism for lies and propaganda - then what do you think the gangs of yobs and scallies out on the streets are doing? Total fucking anarchy and mayhem, mark my words. That’s why we need more real plods to reinforce our ranks, not less like this clot Cameron and his mate Oddbourne are planning.”
“So who do we need to sort the anti-social conduct problem out really, when a street gang’s prison-depleted ranks are simply restored with a cyclic recruitment of young yobs? Old style coppers who’ll take no guff and dish out a good clout round the ear or a kick in the arse? Bring back the Peelers, and the birch and hanging? Resurrect the likes of PC George Dockson of Green Dick? The Bill? Z-Cars? The Thin Blue Line? The Sweeny? I mean to say, would the likes of The Bill’s Sgt Fellattia Titwank or Inspector Raymond Fowler frighten off the Southwark Scrotum Rippers or the Tottenham Mandem or a bunch of drug-crazed Yardies armed to the teeth with machetes and Uzis?”
“What we need to expand and toughen up our ranks is more Feet on the Street coppers who are ex-military – and not these poofters with a PCSO hi-viz stab vest on - or the lard-arsed traffic wardens cum Community Enforcement snoops and snitches. We want Slackwater XE mercenary types – put them out there scalp-hunting on piecework with a bounty on the die-hard yobsters – then they have to do the job to get paid. Wanted – dead or alive – that’s the way to get value for money and save time piss-arsing around in a Magistrate’s court doling out Asbo’s and community service orders.”
“This Libservative coalition needs reminding that if they do slash the police budget then we might not be able to cure stupid but we can vote it out of office come the next election. Mind you we already did that in May with Broon and and his gang of Labour clots – and ended up with Dumb and Dumber.”
Thought for the day: Common Purpose is a social engineering cult posing as a do-gooder charity that uses neuro-linguistic programming to brainwash its victims and negatively modify their mental and emotional behaviour so they are conditioned to believe they’re leadership quality material, ready to run the New World Order’s Dystopian nightmare - and are not to be confused with Common Porpoise – a ‘genuine’ registered charity that caters for distressed pelagic mammals of the dolphin genus.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
SPCA: Possum-Tossing Simply Not On
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) today informed one reporter from the Vivisection Gazette that it plans to “have a stern chat” to the staff and pupils of the St Atilla School for Latter Day Sadists on the outskirts of Woga-Woga which recently held a possum-tossing contest.
The possums – a four-legged squirrel-like marsupial - were found to be quite dead after being hurled over a cliff by students and hitting the rocks some 100 feet below. The students were then tasked with climbing down the cliff and attempt to throw the deceased possum cadavers back up to the top.
However the SPCA animal welfare group received dozens of complaints that the barbaric contest was unacceptable and encouraged students to mistreat animals – and everyone knows from the record of history, that leads to ‘humans next’.
Possums, which are not native to New Zealand, are seen as a pest in the country – much as are Australian tourists when they get pissed and start telling Kiwi jokes.
The event took place at a National Cruelty Week fund-raising gala on the 18th September following a possum trapping hunt. School principal Trev McScally told the Blood Sports Review the event helped children engage with the outdoors and learn dozens of ways of killing possums.
“Our school’s in a rural farming area and all the kids have a good understanding of life and death as they’re encouraged to stamp on ants, boil frogs alive and poke the eyes out of abandoned kittens from a very early age.”
Conversely SPCA Ranger Bev Titwank got her two-penneth in by declaring "While it's technically not illegal ter be chuckin’ possums over the effin’ cliff we think it's morally wrong ter be throwin’ them back up again once they’re dead.”
In a poll conducted by the New Zealand website No Shitt, 60% of respondents agreed that the contest was "harmless fun", compared to 40% who thought it was "cruel and not very nice".
The website’s notice board states "There are a number of rural practices, traditional or otherwise, that people from towns and cities would find curious, bizarre and, in some cases, offensive – such as incest and shagging sheep. Conversely, there are things that townies do that fly in the face of the way people in country areas go about their lives – like showering more than once a month, wearing condoms - or wiping your arse after taking a crap."
Gilly McTwatt of Possum Hurlers SA told Fux News “It’s all right these do-gooder pommie types back in England an’ the US going on about us being a bunch of Godless savages, but how about the urban sports wot yer have in the UK - like lettin’ pit bull terriers tear babies an’ toddlers ter bits – and ferret jugglin’. Same in the States wiv this bitch in Montana beatin’ a black bear ter death wiv a 14 inch zucchini she uses as a dildo.”
“Then yer get cases like that one on the BBC News the other week – which definitely outdoes our possum chuckin’ – some old bat called Mary Bale from Coventry wot’s a feline rendition consultant and now gets elevated ter the status of celebrity cat-binner fer lobbin’ a moggy inter a wheelie bin an’ effin’ off real sharpish like but she got copped out on CCTV. The she gets voted in as a judge on the Cruella de Ville Show wot’s like a cross between the X-Factor an’ Auschwitz Half Hour.”
Do you live in New Zealand? How about Old Zealand? Have you ever thrown a possum over a cliff? Ever binned a tomcat? Ever painted a moggie pink? Do you know anyone who has? The RSPCA would love to hear from anyone who has access to Tiddles-friendly pink paint remover.
Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win tickets to the forthcoming RSPCA ‘Duck Racing’ Championships at Brands Hatch.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
The New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) today informed one reporter from the Vivisection Gazette that it plans to “have a stern chat” to the staff and pupils of the St Atilla School for Latter Day Sadists on the outskirts of Woga-Woga which recently held a possum-tossing contest.
The possums – a four-legged squirrel-like marsupial - were found to be quite dead after being hurled over a cliff by students and hitting the rocks some 100 feet below. The students were then tasked with climbing down the cliff and attempt to throw the deceased possum cadavers back up to the top.
However the SPCA animal welfare group received dozens of complaints that the barbaric contest was unacceptable and encouraged students to mistreat animals – and everyone knows from the record of history, that leads to ‘humans next’.
Possums, which are not native to New Zealand, are seen as a pest in the country – much as are Australian tourists when they get pissed and start telling Kiwi jokes.
The event took place at a National Cruelty Week fund-raising gala on the 18th September following a possum trapping hunt. School principal Trev McScally told the Blood Sports Review the event helped children engage with the outdoors and learn dozens of ways of killing possums.
“Our school’s in a rural farming area and all the kids have a good understanding of life and death as they’re encouraged to stamp on ants, boil frogs alive and poke the eyes out of abandoned kittens from a very early age.”
Conversely SPCA Ranger Bev Titwank got her two-penneth in by declaring "While it's technically not illegal ter be chuckin’ possums over the effin’ cliff we think it's morally wrong ter be throwin’ them back up again once they’re dead.”
In a poll conducted by the New Zealand website No Shitt, 60% of respondents agreed that the contest was "harmless fun", compared to 40% who thought it was "cruel and not very nice".
The website’s notice board states "There are a number of rural practices, traditional or otherwise, that people from towns and cities would find curious, bizarre and, in some cases, offensive – such as incest and shagging sheep. Conversely, there are things that townies do that fly in the face of the way people in country areas go about their lives – like showering more than once a month, wearing condoms - or wiping your arse after taking a crap."
Gilly McTwatt of Possum Hurlers SA told Fux News “It’s all right these do-gooder pommie types back in England an’ the US going on about us being a bunch of Godless savages, but how about the urban sports wot yer have in the UK - like lettin’ pit bull terriers tear babies an’ toddlers ter bits – and ferret jugglin’. Same in the States wiv this bitch in Montana beatin’ a black bear ter death wiv a 14 inch zucchini she uses as a dildo.”
“Then yer get cases like that one on the BBC News the other week – which definitely outdoes our possum chuckin’ – some old bat called Mary Bale from Coventry wot’s a feline rendition consultant and now gets elevated ter the status of celebrity cat-binner fer lobbin’ a moggy inter a wheelie bin an’ effin’ off real sharpish like but she got copped out on CCTV. The she gets voted in as a judge on the Cruella de Ville Show wot’s like a cross between the X-Factor an’ Auschwitz Half Hour.”
Do you live in New Zealand? How about Old Zealand? Have you ever thrown a possum over a cliff? Ever binned a tomcat? Ever painted a moggie pink? Do you know anyone who has? The RSPCA would love to hear from anyone who has access to Tiddles-friendly pink paint remover.
Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win tickets to the forthcoming RSPCA ‘Duck Racing’ Championships at Brands Hatch.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Monday, 27 September 2010
Facebook Party RSVP Goes Tits Up
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Chlamydia Titwank, a 14-year-old mother of three from Smegmadale-on-Sea, who included her address on a Facebook invitation to her birthday party, was well and truly gob-smacked when she received 257,438 replies confirming they would be coming.
Regardless of the party then being cancelled when the school girl was swamped by RSVPs from unknown would-be guests on the social networking site – from as far away as Kabul, Fiji and Tierra del Fuego, the damage was done and the main highways into Smegmadale were jammed with the hundred thousand-plus cars bound for Chlammy’s parent’s semi-detached home in Fuckwit Crescent last Saturday evening.
Chlammy’s mother, Mrs Bev’ Titwank, told one reporter from the Clusterfuck Gazette that her daughter had reportedly only intended to invite a dozen school friends to her 15th birthday party and as several didn’t know where she lived, Chlammy made the fatal mistake of posting her actual address along with the invitation.
While step-father Baz Fuctifino attempted to sort out the parking mayhem – with a line of cars stretching back 60 miles along the south coast from Skidrow Sands to Beachy Head - mother Bev’ made the best of the party fubar by stocking up with Pol Pot Insta-Noodles and emulated the parable of the “miracle of the five loaves and two fishes” – which actually lived up to the noodle advert’s boast on the packet and catered for all-comers - with enough left over to feed a Biblical multitude.
“Well, yer know, I just had ter get me arse inter gear like an’ try an’ feed ‘em all – especially after they’d all bin invited – even if it woz by accident. Our Chlammy got over a quarter of a million pressies too – we’ve got ‘em all stacked up in the back garden under an effin’ tarpaulin sheet until we can unwrap ‘em.”
One surprise guest was Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg who brought along a 28-piece Sousa marching brass band and a 15 foot tall six-tier birthday cake to celebrate the occasion – informing Chlammy she was the website’s new record holder for RSVPs.
Russian exile zillionaire oligarch and owner of Commie-Gaz, Oleg Mobsaroubles, accompanied by sexy Ukranian stripper girl-friend Takem Orloff - and vampire-land’s super-slapper Cheeky Girls singing duo, Fellattia and Irrumatia Rimjob, plus Lib-Dum politician Lemsip Optrex - landed their helicopter on a neighbouring field and joined the party – contributing a roast ox and several cases of champers to his new-found Facebook buddy.
Two battalions from the 21st Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment parachuted in to join the festivities and provided a dazzling fireworks display by putting down a barrage of 120mm white phosphorus mortar shells to explode over the nearby Slumford Hamlets housing estate – then hung the chronically egocentric U2 frontman, Boring Bono, upside-down and used him for bayonet practice to howls of laughter and encouragement from the assembled party animals.
This display was followed – and outdone – by the Cruella de Ville Institute for Vivisection’s exhibition of kitten juggling and moggie hurling performed by the Coventry-based feline rendition consultant and celebrity cat-binner Mary Bale.
Did you RSVP the Facebook invite to Chlamydia’s party? Was there enough to eat and drink? Were the toilet facilities any better than Glastonbury? Did any Nigerian 419 scammers or Somali pirates turn up? How about Big Al Qaeda and his Jolly Jihad Gang?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Chlamydia Titwank, a 14-year-old mother of three from Smegmadale-on-Sea, who included her address on a Facebook invitation to her birthday party, was well and truly gob-smacked when she received 257,438 replies confirming they would be coming.
Regardless of the party then being cancelled when the school girl was swamped by RSVPs from unknown would-be guests on the social networking site – from as far away as Kabul, Fiji and Tierra del Fuego, the damage was done and the main highways into Smegmadale were jammed with the hundred thousand-plus cars bound for Chlammy’s parent’s semi-detached home in Fuckwit Crescent last Saturday evening.
Chlammy’s mother, Mrs Bev’ Titwank, told one reporter from the Clusterfuck Gazette that her daughter had reportedly only intended to invite a dozen school friends to her 15th birthday party and as several didn’t know where she lived, Chlammy made the fatal mistake of posting her actual address along with the invitation.
While step-father Baz Fuctifino attempted to sort out the parking mayhem – with a line of cars stretching back 60 miles along the south coast from Skidrow Sands to Beachy Head - mother Bev’ made the best of the party fubar by stocking up with Pol Pot Insta-Noodles and emulated the parable of the “miracle of the five loaves and two fishes” – which actually lived up to the noodle advert’s boast on the packet and catered for all-comers - with enough left over to feed a Biblical multitude.
“Well, yer know, I just had ter get me arse inter gear like an’ try an’ feed ‘em all – especially after they’d all bin invited – even if it woz by accident. Our Chlammy got over a quarter of a million pressies too – we’ve got ‘em all stacked up in the back garden under an effin’ tarpaulin sheet until we can unwrap ‘em.”
One surprise guest was Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg who brought along a 28-piece Sousa marching brass band and a 15 foot tall six-tier birthday cake to celebrate the occasion – informing Chlammy she was the website’s new record holder for RSVPs.
Russian exile zillionaire oligarch and owner of Commie-Gaz, Oleg Mobsaroubles, accompanied by sexy Ukranian stripper girl-friend Takem Orloff - and vampire-land’s super-slapper Cheeky Girls singing duo, Fellattia and Irrumatia Rimjob, plus Lib-Dum politician Lemsip Optrex - landed their helicopter on a neighbouring field and joined the party – contributing a roast ox and several cases of champers to his new-found Facebook buddy.
Two battalions from the 21st Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment parachuted in to join the festivities and provided a dazzling fireworks display by putting down a barrage of 120mm white phosphorus mortar shells to explode over the nearby Slumford Hamlets housing estate – then hung the chronically egocentric U2 frontman, Boring Bono, upside-down and used him for bayonet practice to howls of laughter and encouragement from the assembled party animals.
This display was followed – and outdone – by the Cruella de Ville Institute for Vivisection’s exhibition of kitten juggling and moggie hurling performed by the Coventry-based feline rendition consultant and celebrity cat-binner Mary Bale.
Did you RSVP the Facebook invite to Chlamydia’s party? Was there enough to eat and drink? Were the toilet facilities any better than Glastonbury? Did any Nigerian 419 scammers or Somali pirates turn up? How about Big Al Qaeda and his Jolly Jihad Gang?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Pink Tomcats are the New Ginger
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Arthur Fuctifino, a 96-year old retired tortoise polisher, stood gob-smacked and watched in horror as a luminescent pink tomcat flew over the wooden fence and landed in his Smegmadale-on-Sea back garden at 10.30 pm on Friday night.
Arthur, who had just returned from sculling his usual 12 pints of Old Headbanger lager at the local pub, was initially dismissed as “a daft old cunt” and ordered to "sleep it off" when he told his wife Chlamydia he’d just seen the Pink Panther land on their patio decking.
However when he walked out into the garden the following morning, all bright-eyed, bushy-tailed - and sober, the Cheshire cat cum Pink Panther look-alike was curled up on a patio chair - larger than life.
Arthur called the RSPCA to report someone had tossed a pink moggy over his garden fence, with two officers turning up to collect the effeminate-looking tom and take it to a neighbouring car wash for a shampoo, rinse and blow-dry, but the colour remained the same.
Inspection by the RSPCA’s CSI forensic squad revealed that the puss had been doused with industrial strength Hi-Viz glow-in-the-dark pink dye – possibly as a sick joke to turn it the same colour as Shagpuss - the children's television character on the Shity Kitty channel – and have launched a major hunt to catch the cruel culprits.
One of the first to be interviewed on the ‘usual suspects’ list was the Coventry-based feline rendition consultant and serial moggy mauler Mary Bale, who is currently awaiting a court hearing date to answer animal cruelty charges after being filmed on CCTV tossing an innocent tonk into a wheelie bin with malice aforethought.
However Bale was eliminated from the investigation when her alibi checked out that she’d been attending the Cruella de Ville Vivisection Institute’s annual guinea pig torture night banquet in Bristol at the time the Pink Panther had landed on Arthur Fuctifino’s patio.
Police and RSPCA officers are now considering this might be the work of the same chapter of drunken yobsters who, in July, filmed and posted on YouTube, footage of their members testing the myth that a moggy has nine lives – by cooking a cat in a microwave, then sticking it in a tumble drier, putting it in a freezer and then trying to drown it in a dishwater – only to enrage the animal to the extent that when loosed it clawed the eyes from one yob then dived through an open third floor window, hit the deck with a roll and disappeared into the wild beyond - with a couple of lives still in credit..
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Arthur Fuctifino, a 96-year old retired tortoise polisher, stood gob-smacked and watched in horror as a luminescent pink tomcat flew over the wooden fence and landed in his Smegmadale-on-Sea back garden at 10.30 pm on Friday night.
Arthur, who had just returned from sculling his usual 12 pints of Old Headbanger lager at the local pub, was initially dismissed as “a daft old cunt” and ordered to "sleep it off" when he told his wife Chlamydia he’d just seen the Pink Panther land on their patio decking.
However when he walked out into the garden the following morning, all bright-eyed, bushy-tailed - and sober, the Cheshire cat cum Pink Panther look-alike was curled up on a patio chair - larger than life.
Arthur called the RSPCA to report someone had tossed a pink moggy over his garden fence, with two officers turning up to collect the effeminate-looking tom and take it to a neighbouring car wash for a shampoo, rinse and blow-dry, but the colour remained the same.
Inspection by the RSPCA’s CSI forensic squad revealed that the puss had been doused with industrial strength Hi-Viz glow-in-the-dark pink dye – possibly as a sick joke to turn it the same colour as Shagpuss - the children's television character on the Shity Kitty channel – and have launched a major hunt to catch the cruel culprits.
One of the first to be interviewed on the ‘usual suspects’ list was the Coventry-based feline rendition consultant and serial moggy mauler Mary Bale, who is currently awaiting a court hearing date to answer animal cruelty charges after being filmed on CCTV tossing an innocent tonk into a wheelie bin with malice aforethought.
However Bale was eliminated from the investigation when her alibi checked out that she’d been attending the Cruella de Ville Vivisection Institute’s annual guinea pig torture night banquet in Bristol at the time the Pink Panther had landed on Arthur Fuctifino’s patio.
Police and RSPCA officers are now considering this might be the work of the same chapter of drunken yobsters who, in July, filmed and posted on YouTube, footage of their members testing the myth that a moggy has nine lives – by cooking a cat in a microwave, then sticking it in a tumble drier, putting it in a freezer and then trying to drown it in a dishwater – only to enrage the animal to the extent that when loosed it clawed the eyes from one yob then dived through an open third floor window, hit the deck with a roll and disappeared into the wild beyond - with a couple of lives still in credit..
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Tomcats to Replace ‘Mobile Coffins’
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Dr Liam Pox, the UK’s Minister of Defence and Tory MP for Woodworm, has announced that a patrol vehicle designed and built by Formula 1 engineers, Wallace & Gromet SA, Kwik-Fit and Tonka Toys is to replace the controversial ‘Mobile Coffin’ – the dreaded bodged job armoured Chelsea Tractor - and will be on the ground in Afghanistan’s conflict-ridden Bellend Province with the 21st Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment troopers before Christmas - 2011.
The replacement British-designed Tomcat has a V-shaped armoured spine chassis shell intended to defend against attacks coming from below the carriage – such as gunfire from Afghani hit and run victims – plus being purposely tuned to Formula One racetrack specifications the Tomcat can speed away from snide attacks and ambushes by the nasty Taliban mujihadeen faster than they can launch RPG’s.
Based on a modular chassis and armoured body design, the 7.5 ton Tomcat is a hybrid of a construction site Benford dumper with an innovative pod style ‘pillbox cab’ constructed from recycled London Eye gondoliers which can be easily swapped to thus convert the fighting vehicle into a fire engine, a pizza delivery truck, an ice cream van, an ambulance – or a hearse.
While unfortunately fitted standard with an electric sun roof, the Tonka Toys / BAE Systems suppliers maintain that the advantages of the Tomcat outweigh the disadvantages.
Tonka CEO Jack Tonka, informed a columnist from the Christian Scientist’s ‘Warmongers’ section that “The vehicle has a large hatchback tail gate and spacious rear end when the back seats are folded, enabling troopers to carry twice the number of wounded comrades – or three times the number of civilian prisoners captured for a spot of extraordinary rendition – or five times the amount of raw opium that they could load in the old style Snatch Land Rovers. Now you can’t get that sort of cargo space with one of these hybrid people carriers.”
“As to armouring, well my son’s .22 air rifle didn’t even leave a dent in the bodywork and as the Taliban are reported to be a bunch of cave dwellers armed with slings and spears, then there should be no problems.”
Defence Secretary Pox revealed “With money being tight due the fuck up Labour made of the economy and Georgie Oddbourne holding onto the public purse strings like a pit bull with its teeth locked on a baby’s neck, then we took advantage of Pete Scandalson’s 2008 car scrappage scheme and traded the shitty old Snatch Land Rovers in and got a £2,000 quid discount on each of the new Tomcats.”
Conversely, Mustapha al Fuctifino, spokesman for the non-existent al Qaeda terrorist group told a reporter from the Body Bag Review “We are overjoyed at this new Tomcat innovation – nice bright Hi-Viz reflective colours to comply with your asinine British HSE regulations and such an easy target now we can see them coming from miles away.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Dr Liam Pox, the UK’s Minister of Defence and Tory MP for Woodworm, has announced that a patrol vehicle designed and built by Formula 1 engineers, Wallace & Gromet SA, Kwik-Fit and Tonka Toys is to replace the controversial ‘Mobile Coffin’ – the dreaded bodged job armoured Chelsea Tractor - and will be on the ground in Afghanistan’s conflict-ridden Bellend Province with the 21st Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment troopers before Christmas - 2011.
The replacement British-designed Tomcat has a V-shaped armoured spine chassis shell intended to defend against attacks coming from below the carriage – such as gunfire from Afghani hit and run victims – plus being purposely tuned to Formula One racetrack specifications the Tomcat can speed away from snide attacks and ambushes by the nasty Taliban mujihadeen faster than they can launch RPG’s.
Based on a modular chassis and armoured body design, the 7.5 ton Tomcat is a hybrid of a construction site Benford dumper with an innovative pod style ‘pillbox cab’ constructed from recycled London Eye gondoliers which can be easily swapped to thus convert the fighting vehicle into a fire engine, a pizza delivery truck, an ice cream van, an ambulance – or a hearse.
While unfortunately fitted standard with an electric sun roof, the Tonka Toys / BAE Systems suppliers maintain that the advantages of the Tomcat outweigh the disadvantages.
Tonka CEO Jack Tonka, informed a columnist from the Christian Scientist’s ‘Warmongers’ section that “The vehicle has a large hatchback tail gate and spacious rear end when the back seats are folded, enabling troopers to carry twice the number of wounded comrades – or three times the number of civilian prisoners captured for a spot of extraordinary rendition – or five times the amount of raw opium that they could load in the old style Snatch Land Rovers. Now you can’t get that sort of cargo space with one of these hybrid people carriers.”
“As to armouring, well my son’s .22 air rifle didn’t even leave a dent in the bodywork and as the Taliban are reported to be a bunch of cave dwellers armed with slings and spears, then there should be no problems.”
Defence Secretary Pox revealed “With money being tight due the fuck up Labour made of the economy and Georgie Oddbourne holding onto the public purse strings like a pit bull with its teeth locked on a baby’s neck, then we took advantage of Pete Scandalson’s 2008 car scrappage scheme and traded the shitty old Snatch Land Rovers in and got a £2,000 quid discount on each of the new Tomcats.”
Conversely, Mustapha al Fuctifino, spokesman for the non-existent al Qaeda terrorist group told a reporter from the Body Bag Review “We are overjoyed at this new Tomcat innovation – nice bright Hi-Viz reflective colours to comply with your asinine British HSE regulations and such an easy target now we can see them coming from miles away.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Delhi Commonwealth Games Fubar
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
As an age-old proverb so wisely states – “If it wasn’t for bad luck then they wouldn’t have any” – that about sums up the current state of affairs for India as 50 nations out of a grand global total of 54 (including India) have postponed – or outrightly cancelled - their departure for the Commonwealth Games in Delhi as organisers raced on Thursday to tackle construction, security and basic sanitation problems that have already prompted scores of top athletes to declare “Fuck this for a game of soldiers!” and pull out of the tragi-comedy pantomime – lock, stock and trainers.
Australia's Olympic Committee President Wally McBruce confided in a reporter from the Fubar Gazette that the Commonwealth Games should never have been awarded to the bunch of incompetent kleptocrats running Delhi as they lacked the nuance and know-how to monitor progress and ensure that construction deadlines were met - then stated for the public record “They’ve had seven years to get ready for this show but only started work on it less than 18 months ago. Personally I’ve seen better organised riots.”
While many nations have delayed – or cancelled outright - their participation in the smelly Delhi games, England became the first overseas team to reach the dump last Thursday, only to have three of their competitors croak from a dose of the dreaded Screaming Shits (ballistic diarrhoea) after eating lunch at Mustapha's Greasy Spoon restaurant and being gullible enough to believe the tap water was safe to drink.
New Zealand joined Old Zealand, Australia, Antarctica, Papua New Guinea, Canada and the sacred islet of Rockall, in opting for a delay due to the disgusting state of the accommodation for athletes at the New Delhi Games Village, which evasive organisers are blaming on heavy monsoon rains, with a daytime biting mosquito-borne Dengue fever epidemic spread across the Indian capital - leaving legions of peasants shitting blood and bits of intestine.
The Dengue factor only adds a touch more nausea to the habitual infestations of rats, cockroaches and dacoits – with the gutter press’s publication of covert photos of filthy apartments and rabid stray dogs roaming around the Althlete’s Village compound and chewing at evicted lepers only serving to further disgust would-be foreign contestants and tourists alike.
However Kenya has stated that regardless of crap conditions it would send its team, which then prompted the nation's top athletes to withdraw due to illness or fatigue, with Moses O’Dinga, the world champion ostrich strangler telling the media “Ah fuck Delhi, it’s an even bigger shithole dan Nairobi - we’ll jest sit back an’ wait awhile fer de 2012 Olympics in London.”
Wales too have put the blocks on its athlete’s participation in the games due the atrocious state of unreadiness at the Commonwealth Village in Delhi – which critics claim is an excuse due the fact their 100 meters sprint champion, Elwyn Jones, (aka Jones the Mutton) was arrested and held on remand after being and caught sheep-shagging and found in possession of a jar of full-strength mint jelly, down on Swansea’s Gower Peninsula last weekend.
Scotland faced a similar dilemma when Hector McTwatt, their foremost Caber-Tossing title holder was arrested for tossing his own caber behind a public toilet in Grampian’s kiddie-fiddling capital of Aberdeen. New Zealand champion cyclist Trev Snott became the first member of his nation's team to pull out after a gang of dodgy dacoits stole the front wheel off his bike in the compound’s ‘secure area’.
World discus champions Bruce von Frisbee and Trev Fourex of Australia have now declined to travel to the grungy games due security and health concerns, as did England's world triple high jump champion Johnson Bungeecord.
Triple Olympic sprint champion Rasta McYardie of Jamaica is the highest profile athlete to skip the event – and actually chopped his own foot off as an excuse to avoid making the trip.
Four other champions have quit due to various reasons, including self-harm type injuries, vomiting in disgust at the news photos of the games’ village accommodations, and attempted suicides.
Preparations for the Commonwealth Games – the stadium and athlete’s village -are estimated to have cost in excess of R 5,000 rupees to date – the equivalent of several hundred £ quid in real money. India had hoped to use the games (held every four years in ex-British empire colonies) to display its growing global economic and political clout, rivalling such other Asian Third World septic landfills as North Korea and Indonesia.
Instead the entire games fiasco has become a major embarrassment for the government, which is trying to weasel its way out of accusations and criticism of shoddy construction, inadequate security and unfit accommodation – all due to the government’s total incompetence - mirrored back at the bureaucracies responsible: New Delhi’s Department of Nepotism, the Ministry for Graft and Corruption, and last but not least, the Office of National Kleptocracy.
Indian Prime Minister Ramjam Singh – a former bazaar entertainer who won the India’s Got Talent contest in 1998 with his Ramjam Singh and the Betel Nut Singers act – confided to a reporter from the red top Scandalmongers Gazette “Goodness gracious me – this is the biggest fuck up since the last big fuck up – and that was only a week ago.”
“It is my opinion that the entire blame for this snafu should fall on the shoulders of that crooked twat in a turban - Mr Muttonleg Chuckabutty, the main contractor and owner of Delhi’s Sacred Cow Brewery. He is a very good friend of the opposition leader Andy McGandhi – who is always after my job as PM.”
However, Ms Constance Dandelion, the games federation chairperson, accused PM Singh of failing to recognise that events like the games carry huge international prestige and the entire clusterfuck lies squarely on his shoulders and should not be shoved off onto convenient scapegoats such as Mr Muttonleg Chuckabutty.
“Singh is a political poltroon and pomposity on two legs whose talents are inversely disproportionate to achieving the required results. His excuses concerning PR and perception management failures are just failures of his lies and propaganda to conceal his culpability for the state of affairs here in Delhi. He is an emasculated capon if the truth be known – yet another rubber-necked twat, strutting around like a flamingo and fascinated by the ability to look up his own arse.”
Mr Jimjams Jaffacake, the provincial Minister for Snafu’s and chairman of the Commonwealth Games Organising Committee, was interviewed while supervising the eviction of crocodiles out of the Yamuna River – where the swimming events will now take place due the planned Olympic-sized pool being built in the minister’s back garden by mistake.
Jaffacake related "I can assure all our athlete guests and trainers and family that security is well in place - with only a few murders and robberies aimed at foreign visitors – such as last Sunday's shooting of two tourists outside Delhi's Jam Rolypoly Mosque – but that’s about as secure as it gets around here during the Dacoity season.”
Many sporting events have hit trouble before opening, such as the disastrous 2004 Athens Olympic stadium not being completed until 2005. However polls in Dehli newspapers show that a vast majority of Indians are ashamed – with the Muckerjee Times editorial going so far as to comment “If this was a Japanese event that was so screwed up then the bloke in charge would have had the decency to commit ritual seppuku by now and let someone else sort his balls-up out.”
This press statement prompted A.K. Blabberwocky, the Organising Committee Secretary General, to tell Pox News "I genuinely feel sorry for what has happened and would like to apologise not only on my behalf and on behalf of the organising committee, but for everyone connected – including the people we have chosen to be scapegoats and get sacked and tarred and feathered."
“Alas, the ceiling in the weightlifting venue caving in on Wednesday, just one single day after the collapse of the Walk of Fame footbridge over the Yamuna River into the main stadium – which saw 27 workers eaten by croc’s – hasn’t inspired confidence in any of the visiting Commonwealth teams.”
“This is a collective failure with the only redeeming feature being that some of Delhi's outstanding infrastructure projects have been completed as the games village construction works progressed - including the installation of running water and flush toilets. We hope to have a full drainage and sewage system in place throughout major parts of the city by Christmas also.”
Thought for the day: A truism states that when things go tits up in a Busby Berkeley spectacular fashion one should simply stand back, smile and remark “Fuck it, a hundred years from now who’s gonna remember anyway.” Unfortunately in India’s case, with regard to the Delhi Commonwealth Games stadium and athlete’s village fiasco, and the whole enterprise being fubar and a total snafu, the incident will be emblazoned across the pages of the Compendium History of Global Incompetence and people a Millennium on will still burst out laughing if anyone mentions the Indian government being put in charge of a simple task like hosting the Commonwealth Games.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
As an age-old proverb so wisely states – “If it wasn’t for bad luck then they wouldn’t have any” – that about sums up the current state of affairs for India as 50 nations out of a grand global total of 54 (including India) have postponed – or outrightly cancelled - their departure for the Commonwealth Games in Delhi as organisers raced on Thursday to tackle construction, security and basic sanitation problems that have already prompted scores of top athletes to declare “Fuck this for a game of soldiers!” and pull out of the tragi-comedy pantomime – lock, stock and trainers.
Australia's Olympic Committee President Wally McBruce confided in a reporter from the Fubar Gazette that the Commonwealth Games should never have been awarded to the bunch of incompetent kleptocrats running Delhi as they lacked the nuance and know-how to monitor progress and ensure that construction deadlines were met - then stated for the public record “They’ve had seven years to get ready for this show but only started work on it less than 18 months ago. Personally I’ve seen better organised riots.”
While many nations have delayed – or cancelled outright - their participation in the smelly Delhi games, England became the first overseas team to reach the dump last Thursday, only to have three of their competitors croak from a dose of the dreaded Screaming Shits (ballistic diarrhoea) after eating lunch at Mustapha's Greasy Spoon restaurant and being gullible enough to believe the tap water was safe to drink.
New Zealand joined Old Zealand, Australia, Antarctica, Papua New Guinea, Canada and the sacred islet of Rockall, in opting for a delay due to the disgusting state of the accommodation for athletes at the New Delhi Games Village, which evasive organisers are blaming on heavy monsoon rains, with a daytime biting mosquito-borne Dengue fever epidemic spread across the Indian capital - leaving legions of peasants shitting blood and bits of intestine.
The Dengue factor only adds a touch more nausea to the habitual infestations of rats, cockroaches and dacoits – with the gutter press’s publication of covert photos of filthy apartments and rabid stray dogs roaming around the Althlete’s Village compound and chewing at evicted lepers only serving to further disgust would-be foreign contestants and tourists alike.
However Kenya has stated that regardless of crap conditions it would send its team, which then prompted the nation's top athletes to withdraw due to illness or fatigue, with Moses O’Dinga, the world champion ostrich strangler telling the media “Ah fuck Delhi, it’s an even bigger shithole dan Nairobi - we’ll jest sit back an’ wait awhile fer de 2012 Olympics in London.”
Wales too have put the blocks on its athlete’s participation in the games due the atrocious state of unreadiness at the Commonwealth Village in Delhi – which critics claim is an excuse due the fact their 100 meters sprint champion, Elwyn Jones, (aka Jones the Mutton) was arrested and held on remand after being and caught sheep-shagging and found in possession of a jar of full-strength mint jelly, down on Swansea’s Gower Peninsula last weekend.
Scotland faced a similar dilemma when Hector McTwatt, their foremost Caber-Tossing title holder was arrested for tossing his own caber behind a public toilet in Grampian’s kiddie-fiddling capital of Aberdeen. New Zealand champion cyclist Trev Snott became the first member of his nation's team to pull out after a gang of dodgy dacoits stole the front wheel off his bike in the compound’s ‘secure area’.
World discus champions Bruce von Frisbee and Trev Fourex of Australia have now declined to travel to the grungy games due security and health concerns, as did England's world triple high jump champion Johnson Bungeecord.
Triple Olympic sprint champion Rasta McYardie of Jamaica is the highest profile athlete to skip the event – and actually chopped his own foot off as an excuse to avoid making the trip.
Four other champions have quit due to various reasons, including self-harm type injuries, vomiting in disgust at the news photos of the games’ village accommodations, and attempted suicides.
Preparations for the Commonwealth Games – the stadium and athlete’s village -are estimated to have cost in excess of R 5,000 rupees to date – the equivalent of several hundred £ quid in real money. India had hoped to use the games (held every four years in ex-British empire colonies) to display its growing global economic and political clout, rivalling such other Asian Third World septic landfills as North Korea and Indonesia.
Instead the entire games fiasco has become a major embarrassment for the government, which is trying to weasel its way out of accusations and criticism of shoddy construction, inadequate security and unfit accommodation – all due to the government’s total incompetence - mirrored back at the bureaucracies responsible: New Delhi’s Department of Nepotism, the Ministry for Graft and Corruption, and last but not least, the Office of National Kleptocracy.
Indian Prime Minister Ramjam Singh – a former bazaar entertainer who won the India’s Got Talent contest in 1998 with his Ramjam Singh and the Betel Nut Singers act – confided to a reporter from the red top Scandalmongers Gazette “Goodness gracious me – this is the biggest fuck up since the last big fuck up – and that was only a week ago.”
“It is my opinion that the entire blame for this snafu should fall on the shoulders of that crooked twat in a turban - Mr Muttonleg Chuckabutty, the main contractor and owner of Delhi’s Sacred Cow Brewery. He is a very good friend of the opposition leader Andy McGandhi – who is always after my job as PM.”
However, Ms Constance Dandelion, the games federation chairperson, accused PM Singh of failing to recognise that events like the games carry huge international prestige and the entire clusterfuck lies squarely on his shoulders and should not be shoved off onto convenient scapegoats such as Mr Muttonleg Chuckabutty.
“Singh is a political poltroon and pomposity on two legs whose talents are inversely disproportionate to achieving the required results. His excuses concerning PR and perception management failures are just failures of his lies and propaganda to conceal his culpability for the state of affairs here in Delhi. He is an emasculated capon if the truth be known – yet another rubber-necked twat, strutting around like a flamingo and fascinated by the ability to look up his own arse.”
Mr Jimjams Jaffacake, the provincial Minister for Snafu’s and chairman of the Commonwealth Games Organising Committee, was interviewed while supervising the eviction of crocodiles out of the Yamuna River – where the swimming events will now take place due the planned Olympic-sized pool being built in the minister’s back garden by mistake.
Jaffacake related "I can assure all our athlete guests and trainers and family that security is well in place - with only a few murders and robberies aimed at foreign visitors – such as last Sunday's shooting of two tourists outside Delhi's Jam Rolypoly Mosque – but that’s about as secure as it gets around here during the Dacoity season.”
Many sporting events have hit trouble before opening, such as the disastrous 2004 Athens Olympic stadium not being completed until 2005. However polls in Dehli newspapers show that a vast majority of Indians are ashamed – with the Muckerjee Times editorial going so far as to comment “If this was a Japanese event that was so screwed up then the bloke in charge would have had the decency to commit ritual seppuku by now and let someone else sort his balls-up out.”
This press statement prompted A.K. Blabberwocky, the Organising Committee Secretary General, to tell Pox News "I genuinely feel sorry for what has happened and would like to apologise not only on my behalf and on behalf of the organising committee, but for everyone connected – including the people we have chosen to be scapegoats and get sacked and tarred and feathered."
“Alas, the ceiling in the weightlifting venue caving in on Wednesday, just one single day after the collapse of the Walk of Fame footbridge over the Yamuna River into the main stadium – which saw 27 workers eaten by croc’s – hasn’t inspired confidence in any of the visiting Commonwealth teams.”
“This is a collective failure with the only redeeming feature being that some of Delhi's outstanding infrastructure projects have been completed as the games village construction works progressed - including the installation of running water and flush toilets. We hope to have a full drainage and sewage system in place throughout major parts of the city by Christmas also.”
Thought for the day: A truism states that when things go tits up in a Busby Berkeley spectacular fashion one should simply stand back, smile and remark “Fuck it, a hundred years from now who’s gonna remember anyway.” Unfortunately in India’s case, with regard to the Delhi Commonwealth Games stadium and athlete’s village fiasco, and the whole enterprise being fubar and a total snafu, the incident will be emblazoned across the pages of the Compendium History of Global Incompetence and people a Millennium on will still burst out laughing if anyone mentions the Indian government being put in charge of a simple task like hosting the Commonwealth Games.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Friday, 24 September 2010
18 Hole ‘Trumpton’ to Break Ground
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
In a press statement released this morning, the US-based sociopath property tycoon Donald Trump has set a target of November 1st to finally begin work on his piece de resistance golf links in Aberdeenshire, which he claims in his customary boastacious manner will become the greatest pair of 18-hole courses in the known Universe.
The iniquitous land-grabbing property fuhrer plans to start building his £1 zillion quid ‘Trumpton’ golf resort and leisure park within easy commuting distance of bonny Scotland’s kiddie fiddling capital of Scaberdeen.
Plans for the Trumpton development will include two 18-hole golf courses (just in case one is closed for mowing) a 600 room hotel cum casino / whore house; with 500 houses and 950 holiday homes laid out across his Ferryhill Leisure Park - and a marble Hollie Grieg Memorial Pederast Pavilion and fountain as its centrepiece adjacent to the Masonic temple and planned St Sodoms Chapel for Latter Day Catamites.
Trump, a poseur plutocrat whose name has become synonymous with greed and ostentatious waste, surrendered his vainglorious bouffant hairdo to the gusting elements as he spoke to a reporter from the Environmental Pillagers Gazette on the dunes at Menie this afternoon, revealing he has Scottish blood coursing through his avaricious veins – and that his mother Chlamydia hailed from Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis, a member of the McSlagg clan.
When questioned on the viability of tourists visiting the resort due the customary 11 months of inclement weather, considering Scotland only has three seasons – almost winter, winter, and July – the Donald responded “Hey, Trumpton will have something for everyone - and that’s what rich Arabs and Yanks want: golf, casinos, cheap booze, drugs, underage sex, brothels and whores galore. No shit, Aberdeen’s got it all – it’s the crime capital of Scotland, ain’t it – and kiddie fiddling’s a legalised pastime here.”
The Donald’s proposal to build Trumpton has attracted opposition from environmentalists, with part of one course to be built atop an area of sensitive sand dunes which will wreak devastation on the area’s magnificent desolation.
To date Trumpy has given short shrift to concerns over endangered species – such as the local residents who he refers to as cave-dwelling troglodytes living in hovels – having the audacity to describe the local rag and bone recycler, Raggy Dan’s home as a slum and a pig sty - and wants them all kicking out and their lands seized under Compulsory Purchase Orders.
The Grampian Regional Council initially rejected the application, until council leader Aberdeen Angus McScrunt, a 33rd degree Freemason and big mate of the Lord Provost, negotiated with Trump directly for the deposit of several Al Fayed style bulging brown envelopes to be deposited with the council’s Graft and Corruption department as ‘facilitation fees’.
Conversely the ‘Tripping Up the Toxic Trump’ campaign group have mustered a legion of support to put the kibosh on The Donald’s eco-vandalism plans and have sworn support for the families of troglodytes whose slums are under threat from the scheme. Plus they now have insider knowledge of the council’s dodgy goings-on from Philby, the Mayor's driver, who works as a whistleblower for Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers environment watchdog charity.
The group have been busy and composed a satire on the toxic tycoon’s insidious plans – with posters churned out by Mr Munnings the printer and thrown up all around Aberdeen by chief bill sticker Nick Fisher.
“The Donald - buying up land, steadily, sneakily, never too quickly, never too slowly, never paying over the odds, issuing compulsory purchase orders – grabbing more land for his Trumpton.”
The anti-Trumpton campaign group have recently accused several other council and police officials of dirty dealings with The Donald – including Mr Troop the town hall clerk and Mr Bolt the crooked borough surveyor who they claim sold his soul for thirty pieces of silver – and a gold Rolex - to approve Trumpy’s plans to demolish the local fire station and disband the entire fire brigade crew of Captain Flack, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb - since there’s not been a fire in the locality since the old King popped his clogs.
The group bought ad’ space in last week’s Daily Shitraker and published a list of the proposed Trumpton residents that 'The Donald' is urging Sheriff McSodom and Policeman Potter to evict:
Raggy Dan the rag and bone man.
Mr Clamp the greengrocer, and his cat Aggee.
Miss Lovelace the hat maker and her three Pekinese - Mitzy, Daphne and Lulu.
Mr Antonio, the ice cream man.
Mrs Cobbit, the flower seller.
Chippy Minton - the carpenter, his wife Dora and son Nibbs.
Mr Robinson, the window cleaner.
Mr Platt, the clockmaker.
Walter Harkin, the painter & decorator.
Mr Wilkins, the plumber.
Mr Wantage (and his assistant Fred) - the telephone engineers.
Mrs Cobbit the flower seller.
Apparently The Donald has taken personal umbrage with one radical anarchist type chap known only as The Artist – a hermit type who wanders around the Hill of Menie smoking biftas and sculling first malt Scotch – with nothing under his kilt – who is suspected of grooming underage sheep on the Facebook social networking site.
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Thought for the day: Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Donald Trump or his condition - however it has been unanimously agreed by a conclave of Menie residents that the word CUNT comes pretty close.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
In a press statement released this morning, the US-based sociopath property tycoon Donald Trump has set a target of November 1st to finally begin work on his piece de resistance golf links in Aberdeenshire, which he claims in his customary boastacious manner will become the greatest pair of 18-hole courses in the known Universe.
The iniquitous land-grabbing property fuhrer plans to start building his £1 zillion quid ‘Trumpton’ golf resort and leisure park within easy commuting distance of bonny Scotland’s kiddie fiddling capital of Scaberdeen.
Plans for the Trumpton development will include two 18-hole golf courses (just in case one is closed for mowing) a 600 room hotel cum casino / whore house; with 500 houses and 950 holiday homes laid out across his Ferryhill Leisure Park - and a marble Hollie Grieg Memorial Pederast Pavilion and fountain as its centrepiece adjacent to the Masonic temple and planned St Sodoms Chapel for Latter Day Catamites.
Trump, a poseur plutocrat whose name has become synonymous with greed and ostentatious waste, surrendered his vainglorious bouffant hairdo to the gusting elements as he spoke to a reporter from the Environmental Pillagers Gazette on the dunes at Menie this afternoon, revealing he has Scottish blood coursing through his avaricious veins – and that his mother Chlamydia hailed from Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis, a member of the McSlagg clan.
When questioned on the viability of tourists visiting the resort due the customary 11 months of inclement weather, considering Scotland only has three seasons – almost winter, winter, and July – the Donald responded “Hey, Trumpton will have something for everyone - and that’s what rich Arabs and Yanks want: golf, casinos, cheap booze, drugs, underage sex, brothels and whores galore. No shit, Aberdeen’s got it all – it’s the crime capital of Scotland, ain’t it – and kiddie fiddling’s a legalised pastime here.”
The Donald’s proposal to build Trumpton has attracted opposition from environmentalists, with part of one course to be built atop an area of sensitive sand dunes which will wreak devastation on the area’s magnificent desolation.
To date Trumpy has given short shrift to concerns over endangered species – such as the local residents who he refers to as cave-dwelling troglodytes living in hovels – having the audacity to describe the local rag and bone recycler, Raggy Dan’s home as a slum and a pig sty - and wants them all kicking out and their lands seized under Compulsory Purchase Orders.
The Grampian Regional Council initially rejected the application, until council leader Aberdeen Angus McScrunt, a 33rd degree Freemason and big mate of the Lord Provost, negotiated with Trump directly for the deposit of several Al Fayed style bulging brown envelopes to be deposited with the council’s Graft and Corruption department as ‘facilitation fees’.
Conversely the ‘Tripping Up the Toxic Trump’ campaign group have mustered a legion of support to put the kibosh on The Donald’s eco-vandalism plans and have sworn support for the families of troglodytes whose slums are under threat from the scheme. Plus they now have insider knowledge of the council’s dodgy goings-on from Philby, the Mayor's driver, who works as a whistleblower for Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers environment watchdog charity.
The group have been busy and composed a satire on the toxic tycoon’s insidious plans – with posters churned out by Mr Munnings the printer and thrown up all around Aberdeen by chief bill sticker Nick Fisher.
“The Donald - buying up land, steadily, sneakily, never too quickly, never too slowly, never paying over the odds, issuing compulsory purchase orders – grabbing more land for his Trumpton.”
The anti-Trumpton campaign group have recently accused several other council and police officials of dirty dealings with The Donald – including Mr Troop the town hall clerk and Mr Bolt the crooked borough surveyor who they claim sold his soul for thirty pieces of silver – and a gold Rolex - to approve Trumpy’s plans to demolish the local fire station and disband the entire fire brigade crew of Captain Flack, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb - since there’s not been a fire in the locality since the old King popped his clogs.
The group bought ad’ space in last week’s Daily Shitraker and published a list of the proposed Trumpton residents that 'The Donald' is urging Sheriff McSodom and Policeman Potter to evict:
Raggy Dan the rag and bone man.
Mr Clamp the greengrocer, and his cat Aggee.
Miss Lovelace the hat maker and her three Pekinese - Mitzy, Daphne and Lulu.
Mr Antonio, the ice cream man.
Mrs Cobbit, the flower seller.
Chippy Minton - the carpenter, his wife Dora and son Nibbs.
Mr Robinson, the window cleaner.
Mr Platt, the clockmaker.
Walter Harkin, the painter & decorator.
Mr Wilkins, the plumber.
Mr Wantage (and his assistant Fred) - the telephone engineers.
Mrs Cobbit the flower seller.
Apparently The Donald has taken personal umbrage with one radical anarchist type chap known only as The Artist – a hermit type who wanders around the Hill of Menie smoking biftas and sculling first malt Scotch – with nothing under his kilt – who is suspected of grooming underage sheep on the Facebook social networking site.
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Thought for the day: Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Donald Trump or his condition - however it has been unanimously agreed by a conclave of Menie residents that the word CUNT comes pretty close.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Hypocrisy Statement of the Year Award
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Welcome to the Pantomime of the Absurd where, strangely enough, the 2010 Hypocrisy Statement of the Year Award isn't going to past favourites Israel or the US this time around but to the UK’s Librarian-Dummercrat Party leader - and Deputy Prime Minister of the Libservative Coalition: Mr Mick Clogg Esq - who is set to inform the UN General Assembly in the Big Bad Apple later today that "Britain stands as a beacon of democracy, freedom and law”.
Clogg will then move on to patronise and insult human intelligence even further by stating that “Democracy cannot be created by diktat and freedom cannot be commanded into existence”.
Quite true, but Britain’s crimes and misdemeanours – in cohorts with the US warmongers since 9/11 - have definitely proved, in Iraq for one example, that freedom ‘can’ be commanded ‘out’ of existence’ with the help of a few cluster bombs and a handful of jukebox politicians.
Hmmm, seriously, is this clot asleep on his feet – or deaf – or eyes wide shut – or up to his knees in political bullshit? Even that odious fascist pig David Blunkett , Labour’s blind-as-a-bat Home Secretary, could see the truth concerning the creeping domestic Big Brother surveillance and social control programmes being conjured and vaunted by the Tavistock Institute and Chatham House, that he was tasked to rubber stamp and implement – all ready for the ‘post-democracy’ era when every fucker and their dog was micro-chipped and have a PCSO or Community Enforcement snoop monitoring their every move on CCTV.
Perhaps Clogg should redress his statement and ensure that Britain stands as a beacon of democracy, freedom and law before her own repressed population before posturing and pontificating over such Utopian objectives to the moronic imbeciles comprising the ranks of the United Nations delegates.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Welcome to the Pantomime of the Absurd where, strangely enough, the 2010 Hypocrisy Statement of the Year Award isn't going to past favourites Israel or the US this time around but to the UK’s Librarian-Dummercrat Party leader - and Deputy Prime Minister of the Libservative Coalition: Mr Mick Clogg Esq - who is set to inform the UN General Assembly in the Big Bad Apple later today that "Britain stands as a beacon of democracy, freedom and law”.
Clogg will then move on to patronise and insult human intelligence even further by stating that “Democracy cannot be created by diktat and freedom cannot be commanded into existence”.
Quite true, but Britain’s crimes and misdemeanours – in cohorts with the US warmongers since 9/11 - have definitely proved, in Iraq for one example, that freedom ‘can’ be commanded ‘out’ of existence’ with the help of a few cluster bombs and a handful of jukebox politicians.
Hmmm, seriously, is this clot asleep on his feet – or deaf – or eyes wide shut – or up to his knees in political bullshit? Even that odious fascist pig David Blunkett , Labour’s blind-as-a-bat Home Secretary, could see the truth concerning the creeping domestic Big Brother surveillance and social control programmes being conjured and vaunted by the Tavistock Institute and Chatham House, that he was tasked to rubber stamp and implement – all ready for the ‘post-democracy’ era when every fucker and their dog was micro-chipped and have a PCSO or Community Enforcement snoop monitoring their every move on CCTV.
Perhaps Clogg should redress his statement and ensure that Britain stands as a beacon of democracy, freedom and law before her own repressed population before posturing and pontificating over such Utopian objectives to the moronic imbeciles comprising the ranks of the United Nations delegates.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Wank Phone Saved by Tony-Crony Club
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Once again celebrity war criminal Tony Bliar hits the notoriety pages of the Scandalmongers Gazette with news that he has yet again been abusing his role as Envoy of the Quartet on the Middle East for personal gain.
The gospel according to the gutter press red top tabloid reveals damning fresh evidence that Bliar mounted an intense political lobbying campaign to rescue a struggling mobile-phone business owned by a client of the bank that pays him a £2 million quid annual salary – then had the audacity to turn around and declare there was no conflict of interest.
The communication firm in question, Wank Phone, had already built a brand-new network in the Israeli-occupied Palestinian West Bank.
However, with the current political situation there being more fucked up than a soup sandwich, the entire shebang was in a state of collapse before launching its service and thus jeopardising a £450 million nicker investment - due Israel’s kikester-run government typically denying the company use of the 4.8 megahertz frequency and bandwidths it required to operate.
Acting in his capacity as the international Middle East peace envoy, the slimy Bliar helped to save the company by spending months putting pressure on Israel’s prime minister Binman Nuttyahoo, and his fellow scumbag criminal elite occupying the Knesset, in a bid to change their minds.
A joint investigation undertaken by the Scandalmongers Gazette and the Daily Shitraker revealed Bliar spoke of the need to get Wank Phone up and running in order to protect the investment of the US-based JP Morgan investment bank that employs him as a ‘do sweet fuck all’ consultant – and makes regular contributions to the outlaw state’s coffers.
Apparently JP Morgan has a massive exposure in the form of a £450 million quid financial stake in Wank Phone through the Qatari ruling family’s communications division Kunt-Tel.
Financial documents reveal that JP Morgan (a part of the Rothshite crime syndicate empire) was one of four mandated lead arrangers of a $2 billion bucks loan with which Kunt-Tel bought Wank Phone from its original Kuwaiti owners – the ruling Al Shitt clan.
Last year the bank joined a syndicate of banksters that lent Kunt-Tel a further $500 million bucks, and became a ‘lead arranger’ for a Kunt-Tel bond issue which raised yet another $1.5 billion of funny money out of thin air.
Ms Candida Fuctifino, Blair’s official spokeswoman, yesterday went into customary denial mode when informing frenzied press hacks that her boss had no knowledge of any connection between JP Morgan and Kunt-Tel or Wank Phone – even though Bliar Associates counts the ruling families of Qatar and Kuwait among its clients.
Conversely, one Knesset- based whistleblower working for Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers watchdog on official graft and corruption, revealed that Bliar’s lobbying campaign had directly enriched the family of the Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas as a company owned by his scumbag son Tarek has secured a lucrative mega-shekels contract to provide advertising for Wank Phone.
Bliar and his slack-jawed spouse Cherie now face calls to publish full details of their myriad tax-dodging business interests that have netted him a personal fortune estimated to be at least £15 million quid since he left office and commenced his current career as an international influence peddler in bed with most of the Mid-East’s ruling nepotistic kleptocrats.
However this is all part and parcel of Bliar’s glittering prizes ‘reward’ from the Rothshite Illuminati kikester crime syndicate for his 110% cooperation in committing the UK to the illegal invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq, forwarding the New World Order ‘total surveillance’ agenda by blaming the 7/7 London Tube terrorist attacks on hapless Muslims - and sanctioning the ‘assissted suicide’ of Dr David Kelly before he spouted any more home truths concerning weapons of mass distraction.
Bliar receives an annual stipend of £2 million quid from JP Morgan, and the same again from insurance giant Zurich – plus the offshore tax haven stashed income from his own private consulting firm, Tony Bliar Associates – whose client list reads like a Who’s Who of the eternally-condemned captives of Dante’s Nine Circles of Hell.
David Davis, a senior Tory backbencher, and MP for Old Scrotum, opined to the gutter press “There are now clear questions about how Bliar has abused his powers as a peace envoy and how much this has benefited his commercial sponsors.”
“Bliar needs to lay out all his nefarious financial affairs in the public domain for scrutiny, for only then can we ascertain if he has behaved in an appropriately honest manner – which he never did while Prime Minister.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a corruption-infested area and may contain traces of nepotism, graft and moral turpitude.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Once again celebrity war criminal Tony Bliar hits the notoriety pages of the Scandalmongers Gazette with news that he has yet again been abusing his role as Envoy of the Quartet on the Middle East for personal gain.
The gospel according to the gutter press red top tabloid reveals damning fresh evidence that Bliar mounted an intense political lobbying campaign to rescue a struggling mobile-phone business owned by a client of the bank that pays him a £2 million quid annual salary – then had the audacity to turn around and declare there was no conflict of interest.
The communication firm in question, Wank Phone, had already built a brand-new network in the Israeli-occupied Palestinian West Bank.
However, with the current political situation there being more fucked up than a soup sandwich, the entire shebang was in a state of collapse before launching its service and thus jeopardising a £450 million nicker investment - due Israel’s kikester-run government typically denying the company use of the 4.8 megahertz frequency and bandwidths it required to operate.
Acting in his capacity as the international Middle East peace envoy, the slimy Bliar helped to save the company by spending months putting pressure on Israel’s prime minister Binman Nuttyahoo, and his fellow scumbag criminal elite occupying the Knesset, in a bid to change their minds.
A joint investigation undertaken by the Scandalmongers Gazette and the Daily Shitraker revealed Bliar spoke of the need to get Wank Phone up and running in order to protect the investment of the US-based JP Morgan investment bank that employs him as a ‘do sweet fuck all’ consultant – and makes regular contributions to the outlaw state’s coffers.
Apparently JP Morgan has a massive exposure in the form of a £450 million quid financial stake in Wank Phone through the Qatari ruling family’s communications division Kunt-Tel.
Financial documents reveal that JP Morgan (a part of the Rothshite crime syndicate empire) was one of four mandated lead arrangers of a $2 billion bucks loan with which Kunt-Tel bought Wank Phone from its original Kuwaiti owners – the ruling Al Shitt clan.
Last year the bank joined a syndicate of banksters that lent Kunt-Tel a further $500 million bucks, and became a ‘lead arranger’ for a Kunt-Tel bond issue which raised yet another $1.5 billion of funny money out of thin air.
Ms Candida Fuctifino, Blair’s official spokeswoman, yesterday went into customary denial mode when informing frenzied press hacks that her boss had no knowledge of any connection between JP Morgan and Kunt-Tel or Wank Phone – even though Bliar Associates counts the ruling families of Qatar and Kuwait among its clients.
Conversely, one Knesset- based whistleblower working for Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers watchdog on official graft and corruption, revealed that Bliar’s lobbying campaign had directly enriched the family of the Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas as a company owned by his scumbag son Tarek has secured a lucrative mega-shekels contract to provide advertising for Wank Phone.
Bliar and his slack-jawed spouse Cherie now face calls to publish full details of their myriad tax-dodging business interests that have netted him a personal fortune estimated to be at least £15 million quid since he left office and commenced his current career as an international influence peddler in bed with most of the Mid-East’s ruling nepotistic kleptocrats.
However this is all part and parcel of Bliar’s glittering prizes ‘reward’ from the Rothshite Illuminati kikester crime syndicate for his 110% cooperation in committing the UK to the illegal invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq, forwarding the New World Order ‘total surveillance’ agenda by blaming the 7/7 London Tube terrorist attacks on hapless Muslims - and sanctioning the ‘assissted suicide’ of Dr David Kelly before he spouted any more home truths concerning weapons of mass distraction.
Bliar receives an annual stipend of £2 million quid from JP Morgan, and the same again from insurance giant Zurich – plus the offshore tax haven stashed income from his own private consulting firm, Tony Bliar Associates – whose client list reads like a Who’s Who of the eternally-condemned captives of Dante’s Nine Circles of Hell.
David Davis, a senior Tory backbencher, and MP for Old Scrotum, opined to the gutter press “There are now clear questions about how Bliar has abused his powers as a peace envoy and how much this has benefited his commercial sponsors.”
“Bliar needs to lay out all his nefarious financial affairs in the public domain for scrutiny, for only then can we ascertain if he has behaved in an appropriately honest manner – which he never did while Prime Minister.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a corruption-infested area and may contain traces of nepotism, graft and moral turpitude.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Plods Issue Lettuce Head Shit-Fit
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The Smegmashire Plod Squad today defended their decision to issue an e-fit image of a robbery suspect who appeared to have a lettuce on his head.
Detective Inspector Bazzer McNumpty told a reporter from the Fubar Gazette that his officers issued the picture to try to trace a distraction thief who stole a full bag of Easy Chew dog biscuits from 96-year old Hilda Scrunt while she was sat at a bus stop on the Smegmadale-on-Sea promenade – with the offender described as resembling a slanty-eyed sun-tanned version of Joseph Goebbels but around 20 to 50 years of age with Rastafarian dreadlocks that resembled broccoli florets.
Apparently the thief posed as a Community Enforcement snoop and distracted Mrs Scrunt’s attentions by demanding to see the road tax disc and MOT certificate for her wheeled Zimmer frame.
However the resulting e-fit showed the man with green hair, which amused local residents, who fell over in laughter, claiming it looked like a lettuce on his head. Officers said a technical problem might have caused the unusual hair colour - or the fact the e-fit machine operator, PC Des Fuctifino was colour blind, but reluctantly conceded it was not a better sample of their work.
Police spokeswoman Fellattia Gammer informed giggling media hacks "Really, will you blokes please cut the bullshit. We make every effort to ensure that the e-fits we circulate are as accurate and detailed as they possibly can be from the description provided by the witness – and I suppose that was the nearest PC Fuctifino could get to dreadlocks – or broccoli florets."
"This is borne out by the excellent quality and detail contained within the facial features – apart from the fact the guy has three eyes and one ear – and no bottom lip. But we’d never release an e-fit for circulation if a victim disagreed or was unhappy with it - and in this instance Mrs Scrunt took one look at it and said “That’s Goebbels - the scally bastard wot nicked me effin’ biscuits!”
Detective Constable Sapphie Dildodo announced to the press that the suspect should not be approached by members of the public unless they have extensive training in the role of gardener or greengrocer – and the said suspect is to be considered mad, bad and dangerous to know. The Smegmadale-on-Sea police would like to hear from anyone who had information about the theft or who might have had any lettuce or broccoli stolen from their kitchen garden or greenhouse.
Police have denied rumours that their investigations are now being focused on staff working at the town’s local Slug and Lettuce bar and restaurant, describing such as “wholly preposterous – an utter canard.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy or brassicas.
The Smegmashire Plod Squad today defended their decision to issue an e-fit image of a robbery suspect who appeared to have a lettuce on his head.
Detective Inspector Bazzer McNumpty told a reporter from the Fubar Gazette that his officers issued the picture to try to trace a distraction thief who stole a full bag of Easy Chew dog biscuits from 96-year old Hilda Scrunt while she was sat at a bus stop on the Smegmadale-on-Sea promenade – with the offender described as resembling a slanty-eyed sun-tanned version of Joseph Goebbels but around 20 to 50 years of age with Rastafarian dreadlocks that resembled broccoli florets.
Apparently the thief posed as a Community Enforcement snoop and distracted Mrs Scrunt’s attentions by demanding to see the road tax disc and MOT certificate for her wheeled Zimmer frame.
However the resulting e-fit showed the man with green hair, which amused local residents, who fell over in laughter, claiming it looked like a lettuce on his head. Officers said a technical problem might have caused the unusual hair colour - or the fact the e-fit machine operator, PC Des Fuctifino was colour blind, but reluctantly conceded it was not a better sample of their work.
Police spokeswoman Fellattia Gammer informed giggling media hacks "Really, will you blokes please cut the bullshit. We make every effort to ensure that the e-fits we circulate are as accurate and detailed as they possibly can be from the description provided by the witness – and I suppose that was the nearest PC Fuctifino could get to dreadlocks – or broccoli florets."
"This is borne out by the excellent quality and detail contained within the facial features – apart from the fact the guy has three eyes and one ear – and no bottom lip. But we’d never release an e-fit for circulation if a victim disagreed or was unhappy with it - and in this instance Mrs Scrunt took one look at it and said “That’s Goebbels - the scally bastard wot nicked me effin’ biscuits!”
Detective Constable Sapphie Dildodo announced to the press that the suspect should not be approached by members of the public unless they have extensive training in the role of gardener or greengrocer – and the said suspect is to be considered mad, bad and dangerous to know. The Smegmadale-on-Sea police would like to hear from anyone who had information about the theft or who might have had any lettuce or broccoli stolen from their kitchen garden or greenhouse.
Police have denied rumours that their investigations are now being focused on staff working at the town’s local Slug and Lettuce bar and restaurant, describing such as “wholly preposterous – an utter canard.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy or brassicas.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Chazzer Blasts Red Top’s ‘Potty’ Label
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Prince Chazzer is set to tear into critics who brand him a loony during a Channel 69 ‘Celebrity Basket Case’ documentary due to be broadcast this Friday evening.
The heir to the throne rages on about his potty royal image as he wanders around the Highgrove House gardens with a kowtowing ‘nodding dog’ Alan Twitmarsh who apparently spent three weeks rehearsing his cap doffing, forelock touching and brown nosing techniques in preparation for the interview.
Chazzer admits to the Teletubby gardener that he talks to trees and treats plants better than he ever did his first wife, then rambles on and complains about catching public flack and being ridiculed for his obvious myriad of eccentricities.
"I mean, every time I pick up a newspaper it’s always someone going on about me being potty this, and potty that, loony this and loony that, if not downright raving bonkers.”
Then in total contradiction the 61-year-old King- in-waiting confesses to a sycophantic Twitmarsh how he loves to spy on the 30,000 visitors a year who pay £15 quid a time to tour his 900-acre Highgrove House royal estate at Titbury in Gloucestershire.
"I really adore having a bit of a giggle and eavesdropping on what the visiting peasants prattle on about. When they're going round outside the windows sometimes I lie down on the floor and listen if they’re gossiping about me and saying “I wonder if we’ll see old bonkers Prince Charles on this visit?."
Chazzer freely admits to Twitmarsh that he has a chat to the plants and the trees, and always makes time to listen to their point of view also. “I think it's absolutely crucial to hear what the trees and shrubs think about this new fangled Libservative coalition we’ve got running the place since Mr Brown got kicked out – and that alone keeps me relatively sane and my mind off when Mummy’s going to pop her clogs so I can have a go at being King.”
“I’m out here every afternoon, to get away from Gorgonzilla and her foul chain-smoking habit polluting the drawing room. Out on patrol with my secateurs and pruning saw, lopping bits off the topiary as I do my rounds before supper. It’s terrific therapy.”
“Every tree has a meaning for me – just like the children – Wills, and that ginger minger brother of his – Harry the cuckoo. Really, I never forgave Diana for shagging that Hewitt bounder. Ah, Diana – by far too many blonde moments – denouncing land mines and fragmentation bombs. Good grief, my stock in BAE Systems would have been worthless if she’d carried on like that. Then going off and having heathen Muslim babies with some Johnny Wog fellow whose shifty father owns a big grocers shop in Kensington. Really, she had it coming to her.”
“In confidence, Alan, that’s what I tell the weeds if they start poking their stems out in the kitchen garden – ‘Just watch yourself or I’ll do a Pont de l’Alma tunnel job on you double quick.”
"Terrible thing really, the plants and the trees – just like a wife – we mustn't get too attached and psychologically involved – especially when one knows what’s going to happen down the road. Like when one of the main branches snapped off the big oak in a gale last November – I cried for hours the next day, sat against the trunk, consoling the poor fellow.”
While viewing a field of ‘Duchy Originals’ organic Triffids, ready for harvesting for biofuel, Prince Charles reveals his quirky side for the public record and inquires of Twitmarsh “Ever fantasised about being a tampax Alan?"
Unfortunately the programme fails to deal with critical factors concerning the Prince’s physical short-comings – specifically the slack jaw, anteater snout, bat-ears – and ambulatory posture that makes him appear he’s just shit his pants – nor which slot he should be truly classified under in the index of Linnaean taxonomy.
Thought for the day: Being a senior member of Britain’s most dysfunctional mutant family and an individual whose ancestor’s centuries of incessant – and incestuous - inter-breeding has obviously not augmented well for the gene pool – should Chazzer be sectioned under the Mental Health Act?
Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a jar of Duchy Originals organic ‘Marmite’
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and organic Duchy Originals squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Prince Chazzer is set to tear into critics who brand him a loony during a Channel 69 ‘Celebrity Basket Case’ documentary due to be broadcast this Friday evening.
The heir to the throne rages on about his potty royal image as he wanders around the Highgrove House gardens with a kowtowing ‘nodding dog’ Alan Twitmarsh who apparently spent three weeks rehearsing his cap doffing, forelock touching and brown nosing techniques in preparation for the interview.
Chazzer admits to the Teletubby gardener that he talks to trees and treats plants better than he ever did his first wife, then rambles on and complains about catching public flack and being ridiculed for his obvious myriad of eccentricities.
"I mean, every time I pick up a newspaper it’s always someone going on about me being potty this, and potty that, loony this and loony that, if not downright raving bonkers.”
Then in total contradiction the 61-year-old King- in-waiting confesses to a sycophantic Twitmarsh how he loves to spy on the 30,000 visitors a year who pay £15 quid a time to tour his 900-acre Highgrove House royal estate at Titbury in Gloucestershire.
"I really adore having a bit of a giggle and eavesdropping on what the visiting peasants prattle on about. When they're going round outside the windows sometimes I lie down on the floor and listen if they’re gossiping about me and saying “I wonder if we’ll see old bonkers Prince Charles on this visit?."
Chazzer freely admits to Twitmarsh that he has a chat to the plants and the trees, and always makes time to listen to their point of view also. “I think it's absolutely crucial to hear what the trees and shrubs think about this new fangled Libservative coalition we’ve got running the place since Mr Brown got kicked out – and that alone keeps me relatively sane and my mind off when Mummy’s going to pop her clogs so I can have a go at being King.”
“I’m out here every afternoon, to get away from Gorgonzilla and her foul chain-smoking habit polluting the drawing room. Out on patrol with my secateurs and pruning saw, lopping bits off the topiary as I do my rounds before supper. It’s terrific therapy.”
“Every tree has a meaning for me – just like the children – Wills, and that ginger minger brother of his – Harry the cuckoo. Really, I never forgave Diana for shagging that Hewitt bounder. Ah, Diana – by far too many blonde moments – denouncing land mines and fragmentation bombs. Good grief, my stock in BAE Systems would have been worthless if she’d carried on like that. Then going off and having heathen Muslim babies with some Johnny Wog fellow whose shifty father owns a big grocers shop in Kensington. Really, she had it coming to her.”
“In confidence, Alan, that’s what I tell the weeds if they start poking their stems out in the kitchen garden – ‘Just watch yourself or I’ll do a Pont de l’Alma tunnel job on you double quick.”
"Terrible thing really, the plants and the trees – just like a wife – we mustn't get too attached and psychologically involved – especially when one knows what’s going to happen down the road. Like when one of the main branches snapped off the big oak in a gale last November – I cried for hours the next day, sat against the trunk, consoling the poor fellow.”
While viewing a field of ‘Duchy Originals’ organic Triffids, ready for harvesting for biofuel, Prince Charles reveals his quirky side for the public record and inquires of Twitmarsh “Ever fantasised about being a tampax Alan?"
Unfortunately the programme fails to deal with critical factors concerning the Prince’s physical short-comings – specifically the slack jaw, anteater snout, bat-ears – and ambulatory posture that makes him appear he’s just shit his pants – nor which slot he should be truly classified under in the index of Linnaean taxonomy.
Thought for the day: Being a senior member of Britain’s most dysfunctional mutant family and an individual whose ancestor’s centuries of incessant – and incestuous - inter-breeding has obviously not augmented well for the gene pool – should Chazzer be sectioned under the Mental Health Act?
Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a jar of Duchy Originals organic ‘Marmite’
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Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and organic Duchy Originals squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
UK Government Credibility vs Kelly Inquest
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The paramedic who confirmed the death of government weapons scientist Dr David Kelly has this week reiterated for the public record that his body had obviously been moved by a person or persons unknown after it was first discovered. David Bartlett was one of two medics summoned after the corpse of the weapons inspector was discovered in the Grassy Knoll Woods near his Oxfordshire home seven years ago.
The testimony by the experienced paramedics once again brings into doubt the thoroughness of, and entire fiasco surrounding the Mutton Inquiry – not only who ‘assisted’ in his suicide but more particularly raising questions about who moved the body – and why.
Paramedics Bartlett and Vanessa Hunt had just started their shift at Abingdon ambulance station when they received the emergency call at 9.40 am on that fateful morning. As they arrived at the Grassy Knoll Woods they found the area swarming with plods – all prancing around alike Mack Sennett’s Bangville Police in one of the Keystone Cops farcical burlesques.
Bartlett’s testimony reveals that the civilian volunteer searchers Louise Holmes and Paul Chapman who first found Kelly’s body the following morning stated it was leaning against a tree – but was lying flat on the ground when he and co-paramedic Vanessa Hunt arrived on the scene.
“Obviously some fucker or their dog had moved the body – which is a classical big no-no in any crime scene case. It was all really suspicious – like it had been arranged. As we approached the scene, it was obvious he was dead. He was lying flat out in the clearing with his bottle of water, knife and watch in line right next to his left arm. The left sleeve was rolled up but there was a marked absence of blood considering the slashed left wrist was claimed to be the cause of death. Really, I’ve seen more blood on a tampax than that supposed suicide scene.”
“We asked CID Inspector Fuctifino if the bloke had fallen out of the tree cos of all the bruises on his body that made it appear he might have - or some twat had given him a good thumping.”
The weapons inspector was found dead a week after he was outed as the source of BBC claims that the Government had sexed up a document (the dodgy Chalabi dossier) claiming Saddam Hussein’s Iraqi military forces could deploy weapons of mass distraction in 45 minutes – almost as fast as 10 Downing Street and Vauxhall Cross could dispatch a trio of MI6-hired assassins from Renta-Thug to the Grassy Knoll Woods.
Fortunately the Thames Valley police force had the prophetic foresight to establish a computer file on the search for Dr Kelly, codenamed Operation Mason, a half an hour before Kelly left his house for that fatal walk - and more than nine hours before he was actually reported missing.
So, we have the police commencing the search for Dr Kelly several hours before he even went missing, and summoned the paramedics to be among the first on the scene after Kelly was murdered and his assailants had fled. A fine piece of stellar detective work and organisation throughout.
Lord Mutton of Whitewash, during his inquiry, should have bestowed kudos on the Thames Valley Police for their perspicacity and diligence in the pre-organising the search – and who even displayed the exemplary diligence of going so far as to rip the wallpaper from Kelly’s study to ensure he hadn’t got trapped behind it.
Do you think Dr Kelly suffered from the Lazarus Syndrome and moved his own body after he was dead? Do you believe Attorney General Dominic Grieve will order a real inquest to investigate the truth of Dr Kelly’s demise – or will Hell freeze over first? Do you think the Home Office pathologist Nicholas Hunt is more full of shit than a Christmas goose and should get the Freddy Patel Award for Gross Incompetence?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
The paramedic who confirmed the death of government weapons scientist Dr David Kelly has this week reiterated for the public record that his body had obviously been moved by a person or persons unknown after it was first discovered. David Bartlett was one of two medics summoned after the corpse of the weapons inspector was discovered in the Grassy Knoll Woods near his Oxfordshire home seven years ago.
The testimony by the experienced paramedics once again brings into doubt the thoroughness of, and entire fiasco surrounding the Mutton Inquiry – not only who ‘assisted’ in his suicide but more particularly raising questions about who moved the body – and why.
Paramedics Bartlett and Vanessa Hunt had just started their shift at Abingdon ambulance station when they received the emergency call at 9.40 am on that fateful morning. As they arrived at the Grassy Knoll Woods they found the area swarming with plods – all prancing around alike Mack Sennett’s Bangville Police in one of the Keystone Cops farcical burlesques.
Bartlett’s testimony reveals that the civilian volunteer searchers Louise Holmes and Paul Chapman who first found Kelly’s body the following morning stated it was leaning against a tree – but was lying flat on the ground when he and co-paramedic Vanessa Hunt arrived on the scene.
“Obviously some fucker or their dog had moved the body – which is a classical big no-no in any crime scene case. It was all really suspicious – like it had been arranged. As we approached the scene, it was obvious he was dead. He was lying flat out in the clearing with his bottle of water, knife and watch in line right next to his left arm. The left sleeve was rolled up but there was a marked absence of blood considering the slashed left wrist was claimed to be the cause of death. Really, I’ve seen more blood on a tampax than that supposed suicide scene.”
“We asked CID Inspector Fuctifino if the bloke had fallen out of the tree cos of all the bruises on his body that made it appear he might have - or some twat had given him a good thumping.”
The weapons inspector was found dead a week after he was outed as the source of BBC claims that the Government had sexed up a document (the dodgy Chalabi dossier) claiming Saddam Hussein’s Iraqi military forces could deploy weapons of mass distraction in 45 minutes – almost as fast as 10 Downing Street and Vauxhall Cross could dispatch a trio of MI6-hired assassins from Renta-Thug to the Grassy Knoll Woods.
Fortunately the Thames Valley police force had the prophetic foresight to establish a computer file on the search for Dr Kelly, codenamed Operation Mason, a half an hour before Kelly left his house for that fatal walk - and more than nine hours before he was actually reported missing.
So, we have the police commencing the search for Dr Kelly several hours before he even went missing, and summoned the paramedics to be among the first on the scene after Kelly was murdered and his assailants had fled. A fine piece of stellar detective work and organisation throughout.
Lord Mutton of Whitewash, during his inquiry, should have bestowed kudos on the Thames Valley Police for their perspicacity and diligence in the pre-organising the search – and who even displayed the exemplary diligence of going so far as to rip the wallpaper from Kelly’s study to ensure he hadn’t got trapped behind it.
Do you think Dr Kelly suffered from the Lazarus Syndrome and moved his own body after he was dead? Do you believe Attorney General Dominic Grieve will order a real inquest to investigate the truth of Dr Kelly’s demise – or will Hell freeze over first? Do you think the Home Office pathologist Nicholas Hunt is more full of shit than a Christmas goose and should get the Freddy Patel Award for Gross Incompetence?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Plods Promoting Public Highways Stasi
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The UK’s totalitarian plod squad are set to suborn motorists to spy on each other for examples of poor driving in yet another terrifying national extension of the EUSSR’s burgeoning Big Brother super state.
Road users, and too pedestrians alike, will be tasked to keep a sharp lookout for boy racers and east European pikey truckers responsible for acts of inconsiderate or dangerous driving - or persons revving the bollocks off their motor and then tear-arsing away from traffic lights as if off the grid in a Formula One race event.
Detailed reports - which cognisant critics are predicting will provide the perfect opportunity for vindictive types to file malicious accusations against neighbours - are submitted to the police, who will then log extensive personal details on a newly commissioned computer mammoth database capable of holding the once-confidential particulars of every fucker and their dog in the known Universe.
Such details will be cross-checked against the DVLA databases and the Police National Computer to rake up further dirt, with anyone being reported twice by some malcontent neighbour during a 12 month period automatically triggering a police investigation – and despite never being caught breaking the law will be mandated to provide a DNA sample and considered repeat offenders - and interrogated concerning their postulated motoring misdeeds in the local Plod Shop’s Room 101 by the barbaric likes of career sadist and Met Police thug Sgt Delboy Stinkie (Nicola Fisher assault) - or Ian Tomlinson’s G20 murderer – TSG PC Simon Deadwood.
Besides being slammed by critics as a wholly dystopian scheme that would make the likes of Huxley, Kafka and Orwell squirm, and one that will spur vengeful malcontents to file perjurious reports, it is further viewed as yet another spot fine revenue-earning dodge.
The Sussex police force that is piloting the scheme has already received 20,488 reports – all filed online - with the accused drivers never knowing who was actually responsible for back-stabbing them.
A recent Freedom of Information request regarding the shitty scheme revealed that 2,695 Chelsea Tractor drivers (all women) have received letters of advice following reports of their erratic driving – with a further 1,047 drivers having had sanctions imposed on them as a direct result of the anonymous complaints. This happens when the reports lead to police discovering offences such as a tyre inflated below the manufacturer’s recommended pressure or birdshit on the windscreen.
As if we didn’t have enough already with intrusive and abusive social services mafia – plus the legions of PCSO’s and community enforcement morons on hire from Renta-Snitch – we now have grumpy neighbours empowered as official grassers just to earn their Good Peasant award – or an Exemplary Sheeple badge.
Des Fuctifino, campaign director of Big Brother Watch, who uncovered the draconic scheme - the so-called Operation Crackdown - told one reporter from the Tyranny Gazette that the entire process is based on unfounded accusations by untrained and possibly prejudiced members of the public. “Yeah right, the whole effin’ scheme’s wide-open ter abuse - ranging from people wiv minor grudges against neighbours ter busybody motorists wot think they know wot constitutes bad driving – or some numpty twat kitted out in Lycra on a fuckin’ push bike wot thinks he owns the whole bleedin’ road.”
“That’s all the effin’ Plod Squad wants – ter encourage the public ter inform upon one another – so we have a bunch of unpaid snoops an’ stoolies monitorin’ the highways and byways runnin’ the length an’ breadth of Britain cos they know it worked okay in Soviet Russia, an’ worked for Hitler an’ the Nazis, an’ worked for the East German Stasi, still works for China’s Juntong secret police.”
“It’s okay the effin’ police defendin’ the scheme on the grounds it stops anti-social behaviour on the roads. This Operation Crackdown website of theirs tells the snitches an;’ grassers they can report motorists wot they see not wearing a seatbelt, or usin’ a cellphone or speedin’ – or drivin’ under the influence of drink or drugs. Strangely enough the website doesn’t mention how the fuck drivers or pedestrians are supposed ter know whether the person behind the wheel has bin drinkin’ or smokin’ a bifta – an’ we all know assumption wears a cloak of errors.”
“While Georgie Orwell’s '1984' book an’ Huxley’s 'Brave New World' provide insights ter wot a dystopian police state might well manifest as, the book in itself woz never meant ter be used as an instruction manual – Totalitarianism fer Dummies.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Thought for the day: fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
The UK’s totalitarian plod squad are set to suborn motorists to spy on each other for examples of poor driving in yet another terrifying national extension of the EUSSR’s burgeoning Big Brother super state.
Road users, and too pedestrians alike, will be tasked to keep a sharp lookout for boy racers and east European pikey truckers responsible for acts of inconsiderate or dangerous driving - or persons revving the bollocks off their motor and then tear-arsing away from traffic lights as if off the grid in a Formula One race event.
Detailed reports - which cognisant critics are predicting will provide the perfect opportunity for vindictive types to file malicious accusations against neighbours - are submitted to the police, who will then log extensive personal details on a newly commissioned computer mammoth database capable of holding the once-confidential particulars of every fucker and their dog in the known Universe.
Such details will be cross-checked against the DVLA databases and the Police National Computer to rake up further dirt, with anyone being reported twice by some malcontent neighbour during a 12 month period automatically triggering a police investigation – and despite never being caught breaking the law will be mandated to provide a DNA sample and considered repeat offenders - and interrogated concerning their postulated motoring misdeeds in the local Plod Shop’s Room 101 by the barbaric likes of career sadist and Met Police thug Sgt Delboy Stinkie (Nicola Fisher assault) - or Ian Tomlinson’s G20 murderer – TSG PC Simon Deadwood.
Besides being slammed by critics as a wholly dystopian scheme that would make the likes of Huxley, Kafka and Orwell squirm, and one that will spur vengeful malcontents to file perjurious reports, it is further viewed as yet another spot fine revenue-earning dodge.
The Sussex police force that is piloting the scheme has already received 20,488 reports – all filed online - with the accused drivers never knowing who was actually responsible for back-stabbing them.
A recent Freedom of Information request regarding the shitty scheme revealed that 2,695 Chelsea Tractor drivers (all women) have received letters of advice following reports of their erratic driving – with a further 1,047 drivers having had sanctions imposed on them as a direct result of the anonymous complaints. This happens when the reports lead to police discovering offences such as a tyre inflated below the manufacturer’s recommended pressure or birdshit on the windscreen.
As if we didn’t have enough already with intrusive and abusive social services mafia – plus the legions of PCSO’s and community enforcement morons on hire from Renta-Snitch – we now have grumpy neighbours empowered as official grassers just to earn their Good Peasant award – or an Exemplary Sheeple badge.
Des Fuctifino, campaign director of Big Brother Watch, who uncovered the draconic scheme - the so-called Operation Crackdown - told one reporter from the Tyranny Gazette that the entire process is based on unfounded accusations by untrained and possibly prejudiced members of the public. “Yeah right, the whole effin’ scheme’s wide-open ter abuse - ranging from people wiv minor grudges against neighbours ter busybody motorists wot think they know wot constitutes bad driving – or some numpty twat kitted out in Lycra on a fuckin’ push bike wot thinks he owns the whole bleedin’ road.”
“That’s all the effin’ Plod Squad wants – ter encourage the public ter inform upon one another – so we have a bunch of unpaid snoops an’ stoolies monitorin’ the highways and byways runnin’ the length an’ breadth of Britain cos they know it worked okay in Soviet Russia, an’ worked for Hitler an’ the Nazis, an’ worked for the East German Stasi, still works for China’s Juntong secret police.”
“It’s okay the effin’ police defendin’ the scheme on the grounds it stops anti-social behaviour on the roads. This Operation Crackdown website of theirs tells the snitches an;’ grassers they can report motorists wot they see not wearing a seatbelt, or usin’ a cellphone or speedin’ – or drivin’ under the influence of drink or drugs. Strangely enough the website doesn’t mention how the fuck drivers or pedestrians are supposed ter know whether the person behind the wheel has bin drinkin’ or smokin’ a bifta – an’ we all know assumption wears a cloak of errors.”
“While Georgie Orwell’s '1984' book an’ Huxley’s 'Brave New World' provide insights ter wot a dystopian police state might well manifest as, the book in itself woz never meant ter be used as an instruction manual – Totalitarianism fer Dummies.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Thought for the day: fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
School Served with Noise Abatement Notice
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Children attending a primary school at Smegmadale-on-Sea have had their regular morning and afternoon – and lunchtime - play breaks cancelled, with all ball games banned after grouching misopedist neighbours complained to the council concerning ‘excessive kiddie noise’.
Mrs Beverly Titwank, head teacher at the St Asbo’s Church School for Latter Day Scallies, informed a reporter from the Cachophony Gazette that the decisions were regrettable but necessary since being served with a Noise Abatement Notice by the local council - even though the PTA have already erected a 30 foot high soundproof fence modelled on the Israel’s Great Apartheid Wall surrounding the besieged Gaza Strip.
In response, parents are apparently fuming at the attitude of the school’s misanthropic and senile neighbours – with the Play England quango getting in on the publicity act and labelling the complainants as ‘geriatric pond scum who should be euthanised”.
The measures were put in place after a coven of widows living next to the playing fields, with Councillor Hilda McScrunt as their ring-leader, filed an official complaint with the council’s environmental health officials concerning the noise generated by a couple of classes of juveniles at play together.
Fellattia van der Gamm, the official spokeswoman for Play England, which promotes free play opportunities for all children across society’s spectrum, told the red top Curmudgeon’s Weekly her organisation was concerned that the decision to ban outside play, games and sports even following the construction of the soundproof wall was not focused on the best interests of the children – and the grumpy old neighbours should be encouraged to turn off their deaf aids.
"We at Play England are not satisfied that a statutory noise nuisance exists from what amounts to normal use of the school and playground areas. Nevertheless Mrs Titwank and the teachers at St Asbo’s School are taking these complaints seriously and wish to maintain good relationships with their senile, whingeing neighbours.”
“However, in light of the main complainant, one Mrs Hilda McScrunt, being a member of the local council, we consider she has abused her position and influence to have a Noise Abatement Notice issued so have reported this as a case of misconduct in public office to the Crown Prosecution Service – and further petitioned the Department of Education to perform an independent assessment of noise levels.”
PTA notice: The St Asbo’s Church School for Latter Day Scallies Sports Day will take place as scheduled on September 24th at 2:00pm – however the Al Jazeera Cup Award for the Muslim pupil’s planned Extreme Stoning Event has been cancelled due the screams it generates.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Children attending a primary school at Smegmadale-on-Sea have had their regular morning and afternoon – and lunchtime - play breaks cancelled, with all ball games banned after grouching misopedist neighbours complained to the council concerning ‘excessive kiddie noise’.
Mrs Beverly Titwank, head teacher at the St Asbo’s Church School for Latter Day Scallies, informed a reporter from the Cachophony Gazette that the decisions were regrettable but necessary since being served with a Noise Abatement Notice by the local council - even though the PTA have already erected a 30 foot high soundproof fence modelled on the Israel’s Great Apartheid Wall surrounding the besieged Gaza Strip.
In response, parents are apparently fuming at the attitude of the school’s misanthropic and senile neighbours – with the Play England quango getting in on the publicity act and labelling the complainants as ‘geriatric pond scum who should be euthanised”.
The measures were put in place after a coven of widows living next to the playing fields, with Councillor Hilda McScrunt as their ring-leader, filed an official complaint with the council’s environmental health officials concerning the noise generated by a couple of classes of juveniles at play together.
Fellattia van der Gamm, the official spokeswoman for Play England, which promotes free play opportunities for all children across society’s spectrum, told the red top Curmudgeon’s Weekly her organisation was concerned that the decision to ban outside play, games and sports even following the construction of the soundproof wall was not focused on the best interests of the children – and the grumpy old neighbours should be encouraged to turn off their deaf aids.
"We at Play England are not satisfied that a statutory noise nuisance exists from what amounts to normal use of the school and playground areas. Nevertheless Mrs Titwank and the teachers at St Asbo’s School are taking these complaints seriously and wish to maintain good relationships with their senile, whingeing neighbours.”
“However, in light of the main complainant, one Mrs Hilda McScrunt, being a member of the local council, we consider she has abused her position and influence to have a Noise Abatement Notice issued so have reported this as a case of misconduct in public office to the Crown Prosecution Service – and further petitioned the Department of Education to perform an independent assessment of noise levels.”
PTA notice: The St Asbo’s Church School for Latter Day Scallies Sports Day will take place as scheduled on September 24th at 2:00pm – however the Al Jazeera Cup Award for the Muslim pupil’s planned Extreme Stoning Event has been cancelled due the screams it generates.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Monday, 20 September 2010
Sarkogate Scandal Doubles Up with Pikeygate
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Take your pick – Sarkogate, Le Mondegate, L'Oréalgate, Jeangate or Gyppogate. If it wasn’t for bad luck, the Hobbit President of France’s Middle Earth, Nicknack Sarkozy, wouldn’t have any – with the poison dwarf fully occupied labouring under the impossible task of trying to push three piles of shit back uphill simultaneously.
First, the Sarkogate ‘Bettencourt / L'Oréal’ scandal concerning the illicit financing of Sarkozy's 2007 presidential campaign and Le Monde’s reporting of such – only to be targeted by French inteligence services operating on Sarkozy’s instructions.
This crime has now been compounded by accusations that he is responsible for directing a racist pogrom against the Roma gyppo pikey community in ordering their forced explusion from French soil – shipping them off en masse and repatriating them to their shitholes of origin in Bulgaria and Rumania – and disingenuously stating for the public record that Germany were planning an identical ethnic cleasing project to be expedited via compulsary deportation.
The ultra-paranoid French mini-troll Sarkozy went in total histrionics mode – evidenced by instances of arm-waving and frenzied bouts of uttering spittle-laden curses aimed at EUSSR Justice Commissioner Viviane Reding – denouncing her comments concerning the Roma deportations from France as outrageous.
Commissioner Reding came very close to the truth when she compared France's actions of banishing the gyppo communities to the persecutions of the Jews in Nazi-occupied Europe.
“How can we ever have an all-embracing and integrated Pan-European community if this xenophobic mental midget won’t allow non-French EUSSR citizens into France?”
The diminutive and vainglorious Sarkozy, a frog who dreams of being a toad, then went on to have a heated exchange with the EUSSR Commission President, Jose Manuel Barroso, when the latter conceded that some excessive comments had been uttered by Ms Reding, but insisted that discrimination against ethnic minorities inside the European community was wholly unacceptable and a breach of their human rights.
Next, Sarko jumped from the frying pan into the fire by getting his sorry short arse embroiled in a diplomatic row with German Chancellor Angela Merkel by informing a reporter from Le Porky Pies Gazette that Merkel had confided to him she intended to follow France's stellar example in dismantling Roma camps and, to quote “Kicking all the dirty thieving pikeys out of the Fatherland.”
The manky Merkel denied she had even discussed the issue with Sarkozy and flatly contradicted his version of events on the issue of Roma (Gypsy) deportations from Germany which recently dominated an EUSSR summit. “That shit-stirring bastard Nicky - he’s a lying little twat and trying to cover his own arse by involving a third party and claiming I had the same plans.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Take your pick – Sarkogate, Le Mondegate, L'Oréalgate, Jeangate or Gyppogate. If it wasn’t for bad luck, the Hobbit President of France’s Middle Earth, Nicknack Sarkozy, wouldn’t have any – with the poison dwarf fully occupied labouring under the impossible task of trying to push three piles of shit back uphill simultaneously.
First, the Sarkogate ‘Bettencourt / L'Oréal’ scandal concerning the illicit financing of Sarkozy's 2007 presidential campaign and Le Monde’s reporting of such – only to be targeted by French inteligence services operating on Sarkozy’s instructions.
This crime has now been compounded by accusations that he is responsible for directing a racist pogrom against the Roma gyppo pikey community in ordering their forced explusion from French soil – shipping them off en masse and repatriating them to their shitholes of origin in Bulgaria and Rumania – and disingenuously stating for the public record that Germany were planning an identical ethnic cleasing project to be expedited via compulsary deportation.
The ultra-paranoid French mini-troll Sarkozy went in total histrionics mode – evidenced by instances of arm-waving and frenzied bouts of uttering spittle-laden curses aimed at EUSSR Justice Commissioner Viviane Reding – denouncing her comments concerning the Roma deportations from France as outrageous.
Commissioner Reding came very close to the truth when she compared France's actions of banishing the gyppo communities to the persecutions of the Jews in Nazi-occupied Europe.
“How can we ever have an all-embracing and integrated Pan-European community if this xenophobic mental midget won’t allow non-French EUSSR citizens into France?”
The diminutive and vainglorious Sarkozy, a frog who dreams of being a toad, then went on to have a heated exchange with the EUSSR Commission President, Jose Manuel Barroso, when the latter conceded that some excessive comments had been uttered by Ms Reding, but insisted that discrimination against ethnic minorities inside the European community was wholly unacceptable and a breach of their human rights.
Next, Sarko jumped from the frying pan into the fire by getting his sorry short arse embroiled in a diplomatic row with German Chancellor Angela Merkel by informing a reporter from Le Porky Pies Gazette that Merkel had confided to him she intended to follow France's stellar example in dismantling Roma camps and, to quote “Kicking all the dirty thieving pikeys out of the Fatherland.”
The manky Merkel denied she had even discussed the issue with Sarkozy and flatly contradicted his version of events on the issue of Roma (Gypsy) deportations from Germany which recently dominated an EUSSR summit. “That shit-stirring bastard Nicky - he’s a lying little twat and trying to cover his own arse by involving a third party and claiming I had the same plans.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
‘You Couldn’t Make This Shit Up’
In this morning’s ‘You Couldn’t Make This Shit Up’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Over the Atlantic, in the good ole US of A, de Land of de Free and ‘golden opportunities’, a blue collar worker with a naturally dark suntan recently murdered eight wholly untanned persons – and wounded two more - at his Skunk Piss Brewery place of employment simply because they were white, hence obvious racists who were suppressing his right to better himself.
To those closest to him, friends and family alike, Jefferson Jaffacake III was a well-balanced whingeing drunk with a cord-sized chip on either shoulder – each one big enough to rile a cock-strutting lumberjack’s envy.
However, underneath that soot-black malcontent exterior the 69-year old chronically paranoid Jaffacake seethed with psychotic rage and a sense of social injustice from years of being refused membership not only to his local Ku Klux Klan branch but also the prestigious WASP-dominated Connecticut Freemasons Society – even though he was a self-confessed ‘honkey’ hater who complained to a group of equally sun-tanned neighbours sat on the tenement steps waiting for their welfare cheques to be delivered on the morning he finally went ‘postal’ – that everyone at the Skunk Piss Brewery warehouse seemed in a conspiracy to slight or injure him - and the time had come for ‘retribution’.
“I is so sick to de teeth wid dis here discrimination shit – makin’ me work in de warehouse fetchin’ dis an’ totin’ dat like a gopher when some peckerwood honkey scumbag gets to be manager jest cos he got a degree from Harvard – an’ he comes down all patronising like an’ sez shit like “Hey, great job Jefferson, right on man”- which ta me means ‘Hey de nigga got it right fer once’.”
“Den ya got dat dere two-tone golly munt from Kenya – de Barky O’Barmy cuckoo in de White House an’ he get de job as President even if he am got a forged US birth certificate from Hawaii – jest cos he got a bit of de white boy in him from his Mama.”
The September 15th headline of the Jingoists Gazette carried the banner headline “Racist Coon Guns Down Racist Honkeys” and in the second paragraph reported: “Jefferson Jaffacake might also have had cause to be angry as he believed he was white on the inside and lamented that his grievances at work to promote him to deputy manager had gone unaddressed. He further complained to his girlfriend that his prayers to God to make him white had also gone unanswered – which caused a massive loss of self-esteem and religious faith when he then realised that God was probably a honkey racist also – and quite possibly Jewish to boot.”
The Xenophobes Review headline read, “Beer warehouse shooter who had long complained of racism was fired for stealing beer and drinking while at work – an act caught on CCTV. Is society to blame?”
However, so typical of today’s ‘politically-correct’ bleeding heart media, this fact seems to have been lost in the story’s dissemination – focusing instead on Jaffacake’s claims of being a victim of white prejudice and discrimination.
Following his dismissal for theft of company property (beer) and drinking alcohol on the job, Jaffacake fell victim to a complete sense of humour failure and went into a temper tantrum that caused him to walk back into the warehouse and start shooting anyone that moved – leaving a total of eight dead and two seriously wounded – then turned the gun on himself when he realised this was the worst career move he could have possibly made.
Jaffacake’s girlfriend Jemima , a 16-year old mother of three, told a reporter from the Bigot’s Weekly “I knows what pushed him over the edge was all the racial stuff that was happening at work. Every time he called the whiteys a bunch of ’honkey scumbags’ they shouted back “Go get fucked, ya sootball golly!”
“Another thing - the management only gave him a pay raise once a year – even though he worked like a n – ? – erm, very hard.”
Apparently Jaffacake had recently become obsessed with the street propaganda catechism that there are more black men in prison than in college – and while every decent American regards this fact as a scandalous tragedy, the majority recognize that the fault lies primarily with the black criminals who break the 11th Commandment and get caught - not with a racist society.
Conversely Jefferson Jaffacake III came to identify with and believe the false dominant liberal narrative that states while white criminals are in jail because they have committed offences, the black criminals imprisoned are, by and large, ‘victims’ of a racist white society.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Over the Atlantic, in the good ole US of A, de Land of de Free and ‘golden opportunities’, a blue collar worker with a naturally dark suntan recently murdered eight wholly untanned persons – and wounded two more - at his Skunk Piss Brewery place of employment simply because they were white, hence obvious racists who were suppressing his right to better himself.
To those closest to him, friends and family alike, Jefferson Jaffacake III was a well-balanced whingeing drunk with a cord-sized chip on either shoulder – each one big enough to rile a cock-strutting lumberjack’s envy.
However, underneath that soot-black malcontent exterior the 69-year old chronically paranoid Jaffacake seethed with psychotic rage and a sense of social injustice from years of being refused membership not only to his local Ku Klux Klan branch but also the prestigious WASP-dominated Connecticut Freemasons Society – even though he was a self-confessed ‘honkey’ hater who complained to a group of equally sun-tanned neighbours sat on the tenement steps waiting for their welfare cheques to be delivered on the morning he finally went ‘postal’ – that everyone at the Skunk Piss Brewery warehouse seemed in a conspiracy to slight or injure him - and the time had come for ‘retribution’.
“I is so sick to de teeth wid dis here discrimination shit – makin’ me work in de warehouse fetchin’ dis an’ totin’ dat like a gopher when some peckerwood honkey scumbag gets to be manager jest cos he got a degree from Harvard – an’ he comes down all patronising like an’ sez shit like “Hey, great job Jefferson, right on man”- which ta me means ‘Hey de nigga got it right fer once’.”
“Den ya got dat dere two-tone golly munt from Kenya – de Barky O’Barmy cuckoo in de White House an’ he get de job as President even if he am got a forged US birth certificate from Hawaii – jest cos he got a bit of de white boy in him from his Mama.”
The September 15th headline of the Jingoists Gazette carried the banner headline “Racist Coon Guns Down Racist Honkeys” and in the second paragraph reported: “Jefferson Jaffacake might also have had cause to be angry as he believed he was white on the inside and lamented that his grievances at work to promote him to deputy manager had gone unaddressed. He further complained to his girlfriend that his prayers to God to make him white had also gone unanswered – which caused a massive loss of self-esteem and religious faith when he then realised that God was probably a honkey racist also – and quite possibly Jewish to boot.”
The Xenophobes Review headline read, “Beer warehouse shooter who had long complained of racism was fired for stealing beer and drinking while at work – an act caught on CCTV. Is society to blame?”
However, so typical of today’s ‘politically-correct’ bleeding heart media, this fact seems to have been lost in the story’s dissemination – focusing instead on Jaffacake’s claims of being a victim of white prejudice and discrimination.
Following his dismissal for theft of company property (beer) and drinking alcohol on the job, Jaffacake fell victim to a complete sense of humour failure and went into a temper tantrum that caused him to walk back into the warehouse and start shooting anyone that moved – leaving a total of eight dead and two seriously wounded – then turned the gun on himself when he realised this was the worst career move he could have possibly made.
Jaffacake’s girlfriend Jemima , a 16-year old mother of three, told a reporter from the Bigot’s Weekly “I knows what pushed him over the edge was all the racial stuff that was happening at work. Every time he called the whiteys a bunch of ’honkey scumbags’ they shouted back “Go get fucked, ya sootball golly!”
“Another thing - the management only gave him a pay raise once a year – even though he worked like a n – ? – erm, very hard.”
Apparently Jaffacake had recently become obsessed with the street propaganda catechism that there are more black men in prison than in college – and while every decent American regards this fact as a scandalous tragedy, the majority recognize that the fault lies primarily with the black criminals who break the 11th Commandment and get caught - not with a racist society.
Conversely Jefferson Jaffacake III came to identify with and believe the false dominant liberal narrative that states while white criminals are in jail because they have committed offences, the black criminals imprisoned are, by and large, ‘victims’ of a racist white society.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Sunday, 19 September 2010
Papa Ratzi Urges Cameron to Convert
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Pope Benny, the Mk XVI Ubermensch model, yesterday met up with Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron for afternoon tea and crumpets in the House of Conmans cafeteria, where they were joined by the Librarian Dummercrats leader and Coalition Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg - plus acting Labour leader - the ginger mingin’ speed freak Harriet ‘Stab Vest’ Harman.
Benny was overheard telling Posh Dave “Your predecessor – not that humourless Scottish git Broon but the other bloke – Tony –the one who used to tell all the porkie pies - he came to see me in Rome to confess his sins – which took a few days – then converted to Roman Catholic and God forgave him for the illegal invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq, and the 7/7 false flag terrorist attack on the London tube system – and having Dr Kelly snuffed. Now look at how much he earns – that’s faith and the power of the Church at work for you.”
“If you decided to convert and become a left-footer and do good works for the Vatican, then we might be disposed to canonize you – Saint Dave of the Wind Turbines, no less.”
Following his ‘spreading the faith’ homily to convince the UK’s political leaders to convert to Mackerel Snappers, Benny moved on to celebrate Mass at Westminster Cathedral, after which he was confronted by thousands of disgruntled choirboys – all members of the Ruptured Sphincter Claimants group - amassed outside.
As the Pope waved to them he was met with a cacophony of ‘Boos’ and a hail of left foot shoes – the acrimony of the moment only being broken and turned to one of boisterous mirth when a small group from Window Lickers for Christ came forward and hoisted aloft their banner reading "We Love U Nelson Mandela".
Papa Ratzi’s busy day ended with a prayer vigil in Hyde Park, around the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain – which miraculously started to work at full belt for the first time in months – spouting a torrent of water some twenty feet into the air and drenching Benny’s Persil-white cassock just as he was giving Prince Philip absolution for having Di’ murdered in Paris.
The Pontiff is scheduled to fly to Munich tomorrow to bless the September 18th opening of the annual Bavarian beer festival - the Oktoberfest - before flying on to Kabul to meet with the Taliban’s spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar to persuade him to attend the 2011 Interfaith Conference, to be hosted by the Vatican in Rome – with such religious luminaries as Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i; His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet; and South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu already signed up to put in an appearance.
Interviewed by Bazzer Fuctifino from the Heretics Gazette while browsing around the duty free section at Heathrow, Pope Benny mentioned the most difficult part of his visit had been to promise singer Susan Boyle he would pray for Divine Intervention to turn her dumpy pumpkin looks into a Cinderella format for a single evening so she could finally get her virgin self laid – and preferably gang-banged by the ridiculous Jedward twins.
On the bright side Benny sported the leather-bound folio of 85 drawings by the 16th Century German artist Hans Hobgoblin – a gift from the Queen from the Royal Collection. Benny confided “Now this one will go for a nice little price when I put it up for auction on eBay.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
Pope Benny, the Mk XVI Ubermensch model, yesterday met up with Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron for afternoon tea and crumpets in the House of Conmans cafeteria, where they were joined by the Librarian Dummercrats leader and Coalition Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg - plus acting Labour leader - the ginger mingin’ speed freak Harriet ‘Stab Vest’ Harman.
Benny was overheard telling Posh Dave “Your predecessor – not that humourless Scottish git Broon but the other bloke – Tony –the one who used to tell all the porkie pies - he came to see me in Rome to confess his sins – which took a few days – then converted to Roman Catholic and God forgave him for the illegal invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq, and the 7/7 false flag terrorist attack on the London tube system – and having Dr Kelly snuffed. Now look at how much he earns – that’s faith and the power of the Church at work for you.”
“If you decided to convert and become a left-footer and do good works for the Vatican, then we might be disposed to canonize you – Saint Dave of the Wind Turbines, no less.”
Following his ‘spreading the faith’ homily to convince the UK’s political leaders to convert to Mackerel Snappers, Benny moved on to celebrate Mass at Westminster Cathedral, after which he was confronted by thousands of disgruntled choirboys – all members of the Ruptured Sphincter Claimants group - amassed outside.
As the Pope waved to them he was met with a cacophony of ‘Boos’ and a hail of left foot shoes – the acrimony of the moment only being broken and turned to one of boisterous mirth when a small group from Window Lickers for Christ came forward and hoisted aloft their banner reading "We Love U Nelson Mandela".
Papa Ratzi’s busy day ended with a prayer vigil in Hyde Park, around the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain – which miraculously started to work at full belt for the first time in months – spouting a torrent of water some twenty feet into the air and drenching Benny’s Persil-white cassock just as he was giving Prince Philip absolution for having Di’ murdered in Paris.
The Pontiff is scheduled to fly to Munich tomorrow to bless the September 18th opening of the annual Bavarian beer festival - the Oktoberfest - before flying on to Kabul to meet with the Taliban’s spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar to persuade him to attend the 2011 Interfaith Conference, to be hosted by the Vatican in Rome – with such religious luminaries as Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i; His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet; and South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu already signed up to put in an appearance.
Interviewed by Bazzer Fuctifino from the Heretics Gazette while browsing around the duty free section at Heathrow, Pope Benny mentioned the most difficult part of his visit had been to promise singer Susan Boyle he would pray for Divine Intervention to turn her dumpy pumpkin looks into a Cinderella format for a single evening so she could finally get her virgin self laid – and preferably gang-banged by the ridiculous Jedward twins.
On the bright side Benny sported the leather-bound folio of 85 drawings by the 16th Century German artist Hans Hobgoblin – a gift from the Queen from the Royal Collection. Benny confided “Now this one will go for a nice little price when I put it up for auction on eBay.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
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