Friday, 30 September 2011

Psycho Fox Hounds Hunt Alpacas

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Herefordshire-based North Cuntbury Hunt has apologised with a big “Whoops - sorry” open chequebook gesture of goodwill, following an incident where their psychopath fox hounds, being ignorant of the ‘Hunting Act 2004’ ban on tearing Reynard and his relatives – plus other defenceless sentient beings - to shreds with their fangs (human sprogs and toddlers included) - apparently got cheesed off while out for a bit of an exercise run across the fields, chasing the same old stuffed version of Basil Brush, and decided to attack and rip the living shit out of a small herd of grazing alpacas for a bit of a bow-wow giggle.

Unfortunately, not being of the Peruvian Vicuña ‘Man-eating Alpaca’ genus, the herd didn’t fare too well against a baying pack of blood-frenzied hounds, and had most definitely lost Round One on points alone – until their small holding farmer-owner, Ms Feryl Beryl McSkanger, appeared from behind the barn with an AK47 assault rifle and emptied a couple of 30-shot banana clips of 7:62 x 39 mm Black Talon rounds into the canine version of a Chinese fire drill – before wading into the thick of the bullet-ridden doggy corpses, bayoneting several wounded specimens that dared snap at her – then nonchalantly gutting and strangling the Cujo clone ring-leader Bonzo to death with its own intestines.

By the time the horse-mounted assemblage turned up at the gore-splattered foray, led by hunt mistress and local magistrate, Her Regal Rudeness, Baroness Chlamydia Ffinch-Gargoyle, it was all over bar the shouting, with Ms McSkanger engaged in loading another clip of 7:62, ready to deal with any abusive hunt members, while her ‘partner’, Ms Mingeeter Dildodo was busy, claw hammer in hand, repairing the fence damages caused by the berserker fox hounds.

After having the barrel end of Ms McSkanger’s AK poked in her ribs – with bayonet fixed – an initially irate Baroness Ffinch-Gargoyle wisely retreated into profuse apology mode and promised the hunt would pay all damages and veterinarian bills for the medical treatment of the injured alpacas – up to and including trauma counselling sessions with Dr Winnebago Jaffacake, the renown Harley Street animal psychologist whose celebrity patients are rumoured to have included Rin Tin Tin, Felix the Cat, Gromet, Big Bird and Kermit the Frog.

Conversely, once out of sniper scope sight and effective range of Ms McSkanger’s assault rifle, Baroness Ffinch-Gargoyle told one reporter from the Payback Gazette that “Such a thing would have been intolerable in my Grandfather’s day – some peon dyke bitch with a gun shooting our hounds just because they trespassed onto her land and chewed up a few poxy woollies.”

“The sport of hunting deer and foxes with a pack of savage hounds might well be viewed by many people in the community as a controversial issue and deemed barbaric. However, these deprived peasants don’t comprehend the part that such activities play in the life and culture of the rich and landed gentry.”

“Far too much of the mongrel in their DNA. They simply lack the aristocracy’s bloodlust gene, hence are unable to grasp and appreciate the joys of slaughtering lesser life forms.”
“Bloody commoners and their sad little lives – eating fish fingers and chips with a mug of builder’s tea and watching the telly while we’re squaffing back magnums of Krug and Fraser Island oysters and Beluga caviar – with venison kebabs and baby grey seal’s eyeballs – and alpaca’s bollocks too, if I had my way.”

Joe Duckshit, Chief Executive of the League Against Cruel Sports, informed one press hack from the Blood n Guts Review that “This is yet another example of irresponsible an’ anti-social behaviour from a bunch of toffee-nosed twats ridin’ around in their effeminate red jackets wiv a pack of rabid dogs. Just last week a bunch of these tossers from the Twattford Hunt in Somerset let their stupid hounds stray onto the main London ter Exeter high-speed railway line – where they promptly got mashed ter shit by the 08:35 from Euston – an’ good fuckin’ riddance too, I says.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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