Cabbage Patch Dave Commutes - to Moscow

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

UK Slime Minister Posh Dave Scameron has raised the controversial Alexander Litvinenko slow-cook assassination case with Kremlin politicos at the start of his one-day ‘commuter’ junket to Russia.
Scameron, purportedly on a ‘bridge-building’ mission, got off to a ‘politically incorrect’ wrong foot start, which mischievous news hacks have labelled as being more at a ‘bridge burning mission’ – by his moronic faux pas of bringing up the subject of state-sponsored murders in front of the news cameras.

Relations between Britain and the ex-KGB crime syndicate cabal now running manky Moscow have been strained since the Russian dissident was snuffed in London in 2006, and glasnost and perestroika besides, further damaged by President Vlad Putrid’s continued refusal to extradite the prime suspect in the case.

Scameron's visit to Moscow was intended to focus on strengthening business links and improving the prospects for UK firms operating in competition with the Russian kikester mafia – and not purposely piss PM Putrid off by accusing him of having his critics terminated with extreme prejudice.

On the business side of things, BP – the global oil industry pariah and winner of the 2010 Nobel Prize for Pollution – has dispatched its chairman Bob Dumbley to meet with the Rostheft national oil company’s officials - along with 24 senior executives and assorted hangers-on from a variety of UK companies in the travelling bandwagon.

On arrival, British investors made the mandatory pilgrimage to the Kremlin’s Ministry of Graft & Corruption and knelt before the shrine of St Boris the Hopeless, to pay homage (statutory bribes), light candles and pray for the success of their mission, which is hoped to generate an excess of £215 zilion quidsworth of deals and create several jobs back in the UK - for Russian language speakers.

Conversely, critics estimate that any joint venture partnership or investment in the Rodina is fatally flawed from day one due the prevalent crime culture that infests all aspects of Russian politics and business. Such is instanced graphically by the calamitous past oil and gas deals involving the actual government and state-owned Rostheft – along with dodgy oligarchs such as Oleg Mobsaroubles, head of Wankprom Oil, and Igor Crooksky of Gulag Gaz, having resulted in rip-offs of Biblical proportions for foreign firms.

Classic examples of past Russian improbity have involved the Western oil majors – the iconic Seven Sisters – all getting well and truly three-hole raped, with the list including Exxon (Sakhalin Islands), Shell (Siberia), Mobil (Yakutina), Amococ (Yamal Peninsula), Texaco (Sakhalin 1), Conoco (Shtokman) and Shell and Marathon’s $10 billion bucks nose dive loss on their Sakhalin 2 joint venture.

Analysts put this factor down to the Kremlin’s perfidious habit of changing the rules halfway through the game – which resulted in the whole shebang getting royally shafted and robbed blind by their Russian partners and the Rostheft government interests.

PM Scameron was scheduled to hold talks with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, and his Russian counterpart, PM Vladimir Putrid (the type of person who gives criminals a bad name and plans to take over the helm of the Kremlin once again, following next year’s ‘democratic’ elections) – and, dependant on the general mood of the meeting, either ‘request’ or ‘demand’ that justice be served and the alleged guilty party responsible for Litvinenko’s murder be extradited to the UK to stand trial.

The diplomatic furore that ensued, following Alex Litvinenko’s assassination, resulted in the-then President Putrid ignoring any and all representations by British ministers or officials since the UK Special Branch and MI6 investigations of the 2006 incident pointed a finger directly back at top level Russian involvement.

Litvinenko, a former KGB / FSB security official and outspoken critic of Putrid’s ex-Leningrad KGB mafia running the Kremlin, who moved to the UK and pursued a career of whistle-blowing journalism and snitching to MI6 after receiving more death threats than junk mail and tele-marketing cold calls, was fatally poisoned with radioactive Polonium-210 in 2006 – with his murder resulting in a political ‘Mexican stand-off’ between Britain and Russia – and both parties expelling diplomats in their frustration and ire.

The Putrid and Medvedev-dominated Kremlin has thus continually refused every request, entreaty and demand from the British government to extradite the prime suspect in the case, Andrei Scumbagsky - a former KGB hit man who is now a re-branded member of polite society and an MP in the Russian ‘Federalnoje Sobranije’ (Federal Assembly / Parliament).

British intelligence maintain Litvinenko’s murder was conspired on Putrid’s orders and expedited by the Russian kikester mafia – using their ham-fisted Mossad assets to supply the Polonium-201 used to dose the victim’s porridge – a highly radioactive teratogen sourced from Israel’s Dimona nuclear labs in the nasty Negev desert.
This method of assassination was quietly applauded by the intelligence service and security specialists alike at the time, who stated it was a bit of a step up from the Kremlin having a bunch of vulgar Bulgars going around London poking loose-lipped dissidents like Georgi Markov in the arse with ricin-loaded brollys.

Prior to commuting to Moscow for his one-day excursion, Scameron informed press hacks at Thiefrow Airport’s Terminal 1 “I’m going to put my foot down with a firm hand and demand that Medvedev and Putrid comply with the extradition of Andrei Scumbagsky to Britain to stand trial for Mr Litvinenko’s murder.”

“We know this was a top-level approved assassination to shut an annoying dissident source of scandal once our boffins down at Aldermaston determined the poison was Polonium-210. So, I mean to say, you can’t simply walk into Boots chemist or B & Q and buy this stuff, can you – it comes out of one of those nuclear thingummys – and the anoraks identified its source as the Israeli’s Dimona reactor.”

As if to inoculate the junket with some modicum of bizarre humour and irony, in a letter to the Sunday Times last week PM Scameron was urged by four former cabinet secretaries out to generate a spot of constructive mischief and have a bit of a laugh at Posh Dave’s expense, to challenge President Medvedev and PM Putrid concerning the perceived failure to protect foreign business ventures and investments against the ingrained Russian culture of graft and corruption - and finally apply the hand of justice to the Litvinenko murder issue – with both undertakings speculated by Flatbrokes, the ubiquitous British High Street bookies, to have as much success as pissing in the wind.

Thought for the day: What’s the difference between the Russian government and an organised crime syndicate? None!

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.