Sunday, 11 September 2011

Cop Shops to be ‘Flogged’ off

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Due the Libservative Coalition’s fatally-flawed scheme to consign some 7,000-plus uniformed members of the UK’s Plod Squad to join the burgeoning queues of unemployed peasants at the Jobcentre – (all surplus to society’s requirements and therefore redundant) - eight police stations in Surrey will be put up for sale by auction to boost the Chancellor’s diminished piggy bank contents.

Chief Constable Sir Dinsdale Fuctifino, speaking to a press hack from the Strappado Gazette on behalf of the Surrey Police, announced he had reluctantly submitted to Chancellor Osborne’s demand to flog off the Max Mosley Hamlets, Frottage-on-the-Wold, Dorking and South Felching stations, alongside the already approved Spankwell-on-Sea, Old Scrotum, Bastinado Bay and Trollops Bend units - with the proposal being agreed during a meeting of the Surrey Police Authority at their Figgers Lane HQ earlier this week.

Baz McTadger, the CEO of ‘Frisky Fetish’ – an ‘adult entertainment’ company catering to the perverted tastes of BD/SM aficionados – has tendered a top bid for all available Plod Squad properties currently on the market and up for sale by auction around Surrey’s stockbroker belt, stating “It’s the stark dungeon atmosphere and the high grade wrought iron bars on the cells in these Victorian era cop shops that appeal to the tastes of our kinky clientele.”

“Get a couple of pillories, a Berkeley bench and a St Andrew’s Cross in there too and it’ll be a sado-masochist’s heaven – especially with the cells being below ground level – no fucker or their dog’s going to hear the screams from a leather tawse raising a few welts on bare flesh – or some City banker getting rogered up the arse by a Romanian Dominatrix wearing a 9 inch strapon.”

“Plus we have the option on bidding for a wide selection of second-hand police uniforms, dildo-like truncheons, handcuffs, leg manacles, straight jackets and other assorted restraints to embellish the theme attraction and tempt the debauched palates of Dom’s, odalisques and role play catamites alike.”

“Believe me, we’ll be posing a major competition factor to Max Mosley’s ‘Spankarama’ BD/SM club chain – especially as our Dominas will be speaking English and none of this ‘naughty boy – count to ten in German as I thrash you’ bullshit.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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