Saturday, 17 September 2011

Renta-Handicap for the Great North Run

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

This coming Sunday’s Great North Run around Geordie Land – from Newcastle to South Shields - will be enhanced and flavoured with elements of eccentric piquancy for a change as regular competitors amongst the forecast 55,000 entrants to the race - who can complete the 13 mile half-marathon in bare feet or by hopping on one leg - are out to entice sponsors for the BUPA charity event with further innovative self-imposed handicaps.

Bazzer ‘Pitbull’ McScrunt, from Twatborough, has already run the famous half marathon 15 times and feared people may not sponsor him again unless he did something ‘a bit different’ – and this year intends to tackle the course while carrying a 7 cubic foot fridge strapped to his back – stocked with 4 cases of chilled Old Headbanger lager.

Lloyd Snott, who competed in the 2011 London Marathon in April – and in his case, into May also – spending 26 days inside a Brian the Snail contraption, is set to challenge his own record by tackling the course while wearing a giant condom with ‘Dickhead’ painted down the front. Lloyd opined to one press hack from the Sado-Masochists Gazette that “It’s got to be easier than wot I’ve done before – crawlin’ 26 effin’ miles in that snail outfit – or runnin’ the course in a suit of armour.”

Not to be outdone on the handicap front, Frank Gnasher of Essex, plans to go one better and run the half marathon toting his constituency MP - the 26 stone former Humpty Dumpty impersonator - the Local Communities Minister Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Prickles - piggy-back fashion.

Frank’s been training hard for six months straight and two weeks ago managed to jog up Snowdon in North Wales with a Vauxhall Scrapita pick-up on his back, but after suffering a bad case of gravel rash on the upper slopes had to dump his ‘cargo’ some 400 yards short of the summit – where it still sits, clamped and collecting mega-bucks in parking penalties with each passing day.

Rumours that Little Britain star David Walliams was intending to swim the half marathon have been discounted as the course is over dry land – with his agent informing the media “Gimme a break - Dave’s still fucked after swimming the length of the Thames last week an’ swallowin’ gobfuls of raw sewage.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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