Coverups Commission Clear Plods of GBH

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Greater Manchester Plod Squad officers who inflicted such a level of grievous bodily harm on a suspect that he required hospitalisation and surgery to remove his ruptured spleen, have been exonerated by the Independent Police Coverups Commission, who concluded there was no evidence excessive force was used during the arrest.

Ronnie McScrote and two other yobs – Jacko Skanger and Wilf Scallydale – all of the Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, claim the Greater Manchester Plod Squad’s uniformed thugs resorted to unwarranted violence when arresting the trio last year.

The IPCC watchdog spokeswoman, Ms Candida Mingerot informed one press hack from the Barbarians Gazette that they were initially concerned officers had stopped a recording of the bust operation of the trio being collared to conceal the level of gratuitous violence visited upon the suspects by the GMP’s psycho’s.

Apparently police commenced a surveillance operation of the three men on the 10th September 2010, after they were spotted scrutinising the route and schedule of a Mr Whippy ice cream van around Scumshawe Park while they were driving a Dinky Motors Smart car with an expired tax disc.

GMP spokesman Inspector Genghis McTwatt, told the media “These three unemployed tossers have a reputation for villainy – ranging from welfare benefit fraud to double parking - so we set up a stake-out and waited for them to blag the Mr Whippy vendor – which they did the next afternoon and were in the process of escaping with several double scoop 99’er cornets and two boxes of Choco Chip lollies when our lads pounced.”
“Regardless of shouts and protestations of “Yer stupid cunts, we’ve just paid fer all this!” our boys were hot to trot with their tasers and downed all three. Unfortunately the bloke walking his dog, who happened to record the arrests on his BlackBerry’s camera accidentally tripped over, and when PC Ratstamper went to assist the poor gentleman, unfortunately trod on his phone – several times.”

Firearms officer PC Harry ‘Pitbull’ Gnasher admitted giving McScrote a Chinese burn and a couple of kicks in the stomach after tasering him, as it was not known at the time whether the men were armed.
PC Gnasher testified before the IPCC board that the levels of force used to subdue the trio were ‘necessary and justified’ as two tennis rackets, a pogo stick and a spud peeler were later recovered from the trunk of their vehicle.

Evidence provided by Dr Winnebago Chuckabutty, the Scumshawe Hospital surgeon who operated on Ronnie McScrote confirmed that the rupture of his spleen was caused by repeated blunt force trauma to his abdomen – consistent with PC Gnasher putting the boot in.

However, the Independent Police Coverups Commission chairman Naseem Sleazebag told media hacks that: "These villains resisted arrest and we are content the officers used necessary and justified force to bring what was potentially a very dangerous situation under control."

Conversely, and on a critical note, Sleazebag suggested that the Plod Squad should put a stop to the practice of turning off their recording devices – and crunching the phones and cameras of passers-by who have filmed video evidence, as such would assist the investigations of future incidents - and remove the risk of the public believing that police had turned off their helmet cameras to hide the use of excessive force.”

"This was evidently not the case in this instance but these moronic plods need to wake up to the very obvious risks of giving the force a bad reputation following such behaviour – and actions like this can only foster a perception that the police are trying to cover something up."
"Especially so after crippling and killing so many innocent people over the past couple of years – Brazilian electricians and Big Issue news vendors - plus the recent clusterfuck murder of Mark Duggan in Tottenham that kick started National Riot Week in August and spoiled the Prime Minister’s vacation. How the hell the IPCC's expected to suppress the glaring evidence and sign off on that one as justified also, I really don't know.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.