In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The German city of Bonn has decided to tax the *second oldest profession - and installed a series of ‘Shagometers’ to impose a levy on prostitutes who solicit their clientele on its streets, at a rate of six euros per fuck – with those who fail to pay facing fines and a possible ban on engaging in alleyway knee tremblers or suck n spit blow jobs within the city limits.
The Shagometers, which are actually converted parking meters, have been installed around the perimeter of Strumpet Strasse and the Trollop Square red light area, close to the city centre, which is favoured by hookers and a wide assortment of sexual perverts ready to shell out a stash of euros for a quick thrill and play the HIV version of Russian roulette gambling – by going bareback and dipping their wick into some slut’s snatch without a condom.
However, Candida Mingerot, director of Kunt Klub – a prostitute support group, demanded the meters removal, informing gutter press hacks that whores already paid income tax.
“I mean to say, we’re in the middle of a recession here, and blokes don’t call around for a quick mid-week hump anymore – and now you want to screw with our business even further so we have to up the price for a quick fuck by six euros to meet the tax bill?”
Ex-night club stripper and high class ‘courtesan’, Takem Orloff, sided with Candida, stating for the public record “We have a government approved scale of taxes for street hookers, just the same as those working in the brothels and massage parlours. A 10% ‘Wank Tax’ on rub and tug hand or tit jobs; a 15% discounted rate on suck and spit fellatio – rising to 20% for a full suck n swallow blow job; then 25% on penetrative sex in any position – including doggy – reduced to 15% for full anal ‘right-up-the-arse’ intercourse - due the inflated prices of KY Jelly and Preparation H.”
Ms Mingerot added “This is a discriminatory practice, targeting only female prostitutes – what about all the transvestites and faggots flogging their arses – and the hordes of Turks and Albanian pikeys hiring out their children by the hour to the kiddie fiddling paedo’s from the Arab embassies that come around Gropers Strasse and Catamite Park to satisfy their perverse erotic fetishes for little boys? Then you’ve got those disgusting necrophiliacs hanging out around the cemetery – who’s going to tax them?”
“This is all the fault of that bitch of a Chancellor, Angela Merkel. When Gerhard Schröder was running the government there was never a problem as he’d pay a visit to Slutt Strasse a couple of times a week with members of the cabinet, to see the girls and get his sack emptied in Doggers Wood.”
* Oldest profession = grave-digging.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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