Thursday, 15 September 2011

UK Train Travel - the Preserve of Mammon

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the Libservative Coalition’s Transport Secretary, Philip Scammond, states Britain's rail fares are now so expensive that trains have become a ‘rich man's preserve’ – and a luxury that common or garden peasants can now only dream of affording as they commute to work on Bonkers Boris Bikes, London buses or Shank’s pony.

Scammond, the Tory MP for Runnynose - and a man best described by friends and Parliamentary associates alike as a ‘right smug twat’ – informed the House of Conmans Transport Committee it was an uncomfortable fact that the only people able to afford to ride trains anymore had significantly bigger incomes than the general population – such as high class whores, drug dealers, City banksters, MP’s on £65,738 quid a year - and Cabinet Ministers, such as Scammond himself, receiving mega-bucks £134,565 nicker annual salaries – not forgetting the generous Parliamentary ‘travel expenses’ to boot.

Commuter season tickets are set to rise by a minimum of 8% on average next year – with this above-inflation increase being part of the government's agenda to reduce the burden on the public purse of subsidising the UK’s privately-owned rail network – by passing the cost onto the travelling public. Now there’s a piece of rhetoric that surpasses all forms of logic.

However, Bazzer McScrunt, the director of the Campaign for Better Transport described the planned increases as a disaster for people already struggling with a galloping rate of inflation juxtaposed against the government’s draconic pay freezes, VAT and fuel duty increases, tuition fee hikes and the slashing of welfare benefits.

Rail Minister Theresa Villiers, the Tory MP for Chipping Fuckbury, armed with her customary shit-eating grin, told the Transport Committee that difficult decisions had been taken due to the budget deficit, with taxpayer’s funds being siphoned off to finance the illegal military occupation of Afghanistan and the on-going ‘regime change’ war of aggression in Libya.

Fellattia van der Gamm, spokeswoman for the rail traveller watchdog, Passenger Ripoffs, told one press hack from the Extortion Review that having some fares regulated was clearly in passengers' interests, although the way that under-performing train operators such as Rattle-Track, First Crapita and Scat-Rail were allowed to inflate prices on individual routes amounted to no less than daylight robbery under the Theft Act (1968).

“This is especially so when we hapless commuters are hit year after year with massive fare increases and see no investments or improvements in the rail company’s services – and are still faced with protracted delays – or no train turning up at all – all standing around freezing to death on station platforms –
due piss poor management practices and crap maintenance.”
“Really, it’s an absolute disaster, Wallace and Gromet could do better. Now, if I have to catch the train into London I need to phone my bank manager first and get his okay.”

Thought for the day: Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s indexed lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes the greedy, grasping train operators or their avaricious condition - however it has been unanimously agreed by a conclave of rail commuters that the words ‘robbing cunts’ comes pretty close.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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