UK Welfare Benefits? See Charity Food Bank

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Tens of thousands of hapless peasants claiming UK welfare benefits will henceforth be referred to charity-run food banks by the Libservative Coalition government - which is now confronted with the frightening reality that many Britons face a stark choice: starvation or feeding themselves by begging and stealing – the sure-fire path to a socio-political revolution of violent proportions.
Alas, this latter scenario fails to feature as a salient component in the arrogant thinking of our privileged Libservative Coalition government ministers.

From today, the Jobcentre Plus offices in England and Wales will refer the rib-rattling needy to charity-run food banks that can hopefully provide them a food parcel containing a pack of Pol Pot Insta-Noodles that need cooking and a tin of Spam or like crap that requires a can opener to get at – culinary items all too often sadly lacking from one’s personal kit when living on a landfill site after being booted out of the family home by unscrupulous bailiffs acting on a bankster’s court eviction order.

The move comes amid growing levels of food poverty, fuelled by rising food prices and high rates of unemployment. Under the fatally-flawed scheme people whose benefits have been delayed or were refused crisis loans will be referred to their local ‘food bank’ – which may well eventually turn out to be the pigswill bin behind a branch of McDonalds chew n spew.

To add a sense of the ‘fucking hopeless’ to the entire fiasco, claimants will be limited to three consecutive referrals – each time providing them enough basics, such as Woof Chunks, Winalot, Whiskers and an assortment of Marmite-flavoured dog bisuits for three days. Hmmm, no insta-turkey dinners and mince pies this Christmas.

The planned scheme is set to operate from more than 70 food banks spaced out up and down the country and run by the ‘Give the Dog a Bone’ Christian charity; with organisers forecasting that they’ll feed somewhere between 90,000 and 100,000 before the year's end due problems with the stupid government slashing welfare benefits to force people to find non-existent employment in a jobless wilderness.

Chantelle McSkanger, a 15-year old mother of three from the Stench Hill sink or swim council estate in Greater Manchester, took part in a pilot when she caught a dose of Galloping Minge Rot earlier this year and was unable to work at her regular job as a lap dancer and night club hostess.
"I goes down ter the effin’ welfare office, like, ter apply fer one of them emergency crisis loans wot yer can get - ter buy a spot of snort an’ a couple of spliffs - an’ the rotten bastards turn me down.”

“So I goes an’ dumps the effin’ kids on the Town Hall steps an’ fucks off down the food bank an’ convinced this right do-gooder posh old toff there wot’s handin’ out sardines an’ noodles ter give me a few quid fer a quick suck an’ spit blowjob – so I could afford a coupla bottles of Meths Breezer. So, yeah, I’m all for food banks – they pulled me outa the shit when I needed a lift.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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