Friday, 16 September 2011

2012 Guinness Records Get Whacky

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Jacko McSquirter, the editor-in-chief of the famous Guinness Book of World Records, informed one press hack from the Weirdo’s Gazette that their 2012 edition will contain some of the most bizarre and wackiest entries yet in the 57-year history of the iconic publication.

One new entry for the coming year is Tiddles the cat, measuring 48.5 inches when stretched out on an ironing board - making him the world’s longest moggy. The five-year-old feline apparently eats half a bucket of mice per day and recently came to the attentions of the Smegmadale-on-Sea Plod Squad following a literal ‘cat and dog’ shit fight when a pitbull terrier with an attitude problem made to chase Tiddles up a tree and instead got clawed to sheds and disembowelled.

Chantelle Scrote from Las Vegas, armed with 10ft 2in (3.1m) fingernails on her left hand and 9ft 7in (2.92m) talons on her right hand – is a record winner and fortunately has an obliging husband who doesn’t mind wiping her ass after she takes her weekly dump.

Doncaster man, Frank Tosser, a retired wheelbarrow mechanic, is also in this year’s edition for his record collection of 5,710 Barbie dolls - despite not being a raving poofter or effeminate in any way. However while Frank may not be into doll’s houses or similar girlie acquisitions and playthings, he became – in his own words – ‘cuntstruck’ with the Barbie range after seeing one in a toy shop when he was 12 years old.
“I like ter sit there in the living room of an evening, just perusing me collection of little blonde Barbie sluts – especially the ones dressed in nowt but black suspenders, crotchless panties an’ a peephole bra – and fantasise what it would be like ter be givin’ her one while Ken plays the cuckold an’ sits in the corner watchin’. Barbie’s a grand aid ter masturbation, believe you me.”

New Labour’s ex-Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson (aka Vermin in Ermine), nudges career mythomaniac Tony Bliar out of the record top slot for fibbing and bare-faced porkiy pies after news media hacks recorded the perjuring peer telling a lie every time his lips moved while being questioned about his sodomite’s lifestyle and bizarre felching fetish.

Ms Winnebago Jaffacake from New Orleans gets an entry for having grown the world's largest natural afro’ hair do, which more resembles a mature holly bush or a giant dandelion seed head.
Winnie’s massive crop of hair has a circumference of 4ft 4in (1.32m) and keeps her house-bound during the spring as birds have a tendency to build nests in her sprawling coiffure.

15-year old California student Ms Mingeeter Dildodo has entered the 2012 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records for having the longest tongue in the known Universe.
Her lizard-like tongue measures 5.8 inches from its tip to top lip and is three times as long as the average human licking appendage.
Mingeeter revealed “I’ll often get asked questions like ‘can you touch your nose with it?’ and ‘Do you choke people when you French kiss them?’”

However, her ex-boyfriend Spudsy told reporters “Forget the French kissing – you should sexperience getting a rim job off her when it tickles your prostate. Now all the dykes around school have latched on an’ I can’t get a look-in anymore – she’s got a taste for snatch so it’s all pussy-munchin’ the cheer leaders with her six inch lick-dick. Lucky bitch.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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