Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Higgs Boson – and God – Don’t Exist

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The latest news from a gaggle of beardies and anoraks manning CERN’s Geneva-based Large Hadron Collider – (the very same one responsible for causing a blight of hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis and wormholes around the globe since it was successfully fired up in 2009 without any more bits and pieces falling off at light speed) – states they have now proven beyond all reasonable doubt that the long-sought Higgs boson particle does not exist where it’s supposed to in the greater cosmic scheme of things.

Project leader Professor Kunter Fuctifino, who apparently boasts more degrees than a thermometer from the University of Heidelberg, informed press hacks that “Perhaps if the Higgs boson – our mysterious and elusive ‘God’ particle - doesn’t exist then neither does God” - adding “Whoops, no shit, that’s not going to go down very well in the Vatican - or with the Archbishop of Canterbury, now is it.”

Scientist types operating CERN’s LHC - the world's largest mega-energy particle accelerator – have been searching – so far in vain - for a sub-nuclear 'whatsit' hypothesized to exist via super-symmetry predictions and which was named the ‘Higgs boson’ after the scientist who never found it.
This ethereal cosmic micro-speck is a guesstimated entity that quantum physicists alike refer to as being ‘very, very small’ – so small in fact, that even if you were wearing the best pair of glasses that Specsavers have on offer, you still couldn’t see the damn thing if it was blue-tacked to a Petri dish on the lab’ table.

Prof’ Fuctifino elaborated on the mind-boggling non-discovery. “These are really exciting times in physics as we’ve now proved that Higgs boson can’t be found. In fact, to date, we’ve found nothing of any fucking use to man or beast, proving beyond all reasonable doubt that the entire LHC project’s been a total waste of taxpayers fucking money.”
“However, for anyone and their dog who’ve watched the FBI’s Pox Mouldy and Agent Scally on the X-Files, they’ll know that Higgs boson is out there – some fucking where or the other.”

Rumours that a jam jar of assorted Higgs bosons was recently auctioned off for £15 quid on the ubiquitous e-Bay, along with a sealed marmalade pot filled with anti-matter, remain unsubstantiated.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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