Monday, 12 September 2011

Pestco Self-Checkout Rage Murders Rise

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Pestco, the ‘Alpha Primus’ ranking leader of the UK’s Greedy Grocer supermarket chains, surpassing Pukesburys, Mammon & Snobfords and Shiteland by a Saxon league, is experiencing a surge in ‘rage-related’ acts of violence being committed by users of their infuriating self-checkout terminals.

Last Friday, Ms Candida McScrunt, a 16-year old mother of three and resident of Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, was arrested by officers manning the area’s 24/7 mobile patrol Plod Squad - at the Shagley branch of Pestco Extra following a ‘stabbing incident’ wherein she allegedly plunged the sharp end of a frozen chicken drumstick into the chest of one of the supermarket’s moronic troop of underpaid Tonton Macoute security guards.

Apparently Ms McScrunt, a former Marmite addict, had literally lost her rag after the self-checkout terminal had halted her purchasing process with one of their typical “Please remove unexpected item from bagging area” – in this case a box of Tampax.
According to Candida’s police statement “I mean ter say – que - an’ wot the fuck is so unexpected? I only swiped the effin’ Tampax a second before an’ the checkout screen displays the fact the machine knows precisely wot it is – jam rags - an’ charged me fer ‘em.”

“Next thing I’m playin’ the game of ‘find the brain-dead check-out assistants’ wot they got ter clear this kinda shit - an’ she’s a couple of aisles away chattin' ter her dyke mate about this Polish chick she met in the Gay Village that performs stellar minge eatin’ wiv her tongue piercing stud while fingerin’ her asshole too – an’ payin’ fuck all attention ter wot’s goin’ on where she’s supposed ter be workin’”
“So I shouts out “Hey bollocks – can yer come an’ fix this piece of shit fer me!” – an’ so she wanders over all snotty like an’ sez ‘It’s yet own effin’ fault fer pressin’ the whatsit.”

“By this time I really needs me mid-mornin’ Prozac fix, then ter cap it all some slapper wot’s waitin’ ter check her crap out starts gobbin’ off “Are yer done yet? - can yer hurry up a bit?” – so I tells her ter fuck off, eat shit an’ die – then this fuckin’ big Zulu cunt of a security guard comes wanderin’ over an’ starts jabberin’ away in Watusi or summat an’ rootin’ in me Pestco ‘Bag fer Life’ wot me Mum nicked, so I tells him “Fuck off Shaka!” an’ the twat grabs me round the effin’ neck an’ forces his whoppin’ erection inter the cleft of me arse. That’s when I totally lost it an’ spit the dummy, an’ grabbed a chicken leg out of the pack in me hand an’ stuck it in his effin’ chest.”

“If he’d bin able ter speak a bit of effin’ English then he might have understood me problem like wot I woz tryin’ ter tell him – that the effin’ scanner wouldn’t read the barcodes on frozen or chilled stuff an’ keeps pipin’ up “Please wait fer fuckin’ assistance”.

Pestco CEO Sheldon Greedberg, speaking to one press hack from the Anger Management Gazette, admitted there had been a recent surge of ‘rage’ incidents linked to self-service checkout terminals, which he personally blamed on their customer’s lack of patience and technical know-how – a factor that seemed to falter if it involved operating anything other than a Sky TV or X-Box remote control unit.

However, according to recent consumer surveys, while people's dislike of such self-checkout counters could be down to something that is very British in nature due the archetype English character trait of being reserved and preferring to speak to the person serving - what is actually the point when the only fuckers who’ll work for the Greedy Grocer chain’s minimum wage crap speak Ukrainian, Polish or Serbo-Croat – with a Scouse accent?

Conversely, who wants to wait in a check-out queue behind half a dozen moronic slappers shoving a line of mega- trolleys loaded up to the gunnels with crisps, soft drinks and microwave insta-crap dinners - who look like they’re stocking up for the siege of Masada.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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