Thursday, 22 September 2011

Somalia: Sing a Sura & Win a Gun

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Happy Camel Oasis Radio station, run by Somalia's Shit al-Shabab pro-Sharia Islamic hard core fundamentalist group, came up with a stellar scheme of prize-giving in their recent Koran-reciting competition where participants actually sing the ayats and suras – awarding the winning children with military assault rifles and enough ammunition to start their own war.

HCO Radio, based near the Third World dump’s bog standard capital of Mogadishu, presented the group which won first prize in the Ramadan competition with an AK-47 rifle each and the equivalent of £25 quid in Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket loyalty vouchers.

The second prize-winners received an M-16 each and £10 nicker's worth of UN food stamps, while the third prize winners copped for a couple of M-67 hand grenade apiece and a year’s subscription to the Goat Herder’s Digest.

Runners-up received a mixed bag of awards, which included copies of the best-selling Piracy for Dummies – signed by Capt. Jack Sparrow; paperback editions of ‘The Hairy Bikers Cookbook’ and ‘How to Beat Bulimia’ – along with the 2010 edition of ‘The Best of Match of the Day’ DVDs – plus consolation prizes of half a bucket of water and a bag of crunchy chocolate-coated locusts – a definite boon in the drought-stricken shithole.

Shit al-Shabab spokesman, Mohammed al Ka-Boom, a former suicide bomber with the Jolly Jihad Brigade until he was fired for incompetence, informed one press hack from Famine magazine "We present them with weapons as our youths should use one hand for stealing and self-abuse - and the other for wielding a gun to defend Islam against the infidel Americans who want to seize the Horn of Africa to stage their military adventures and control the Red Sea and Suez shipping routes on behalf of their Zionist scumbag masters in Tel Aviv.”

In previous years, when the Koran reciting competition was organised in the southern port of Kismyass, the first prize included a rocket-propelled grenade launcher and a pick n mix selection of HE, liquid metal, white phosphorus and depleted uranium armour piercing rounds.

The overall winner of this year’s Ramadan Koran reciting tourney was Ms Winnebago Jaffacake, a 12-year old mother-of-three, who gave a soprano rendition of the verses (ayat) of the 5th and 9th suras of the Quran - which preach of fatwas heaped upon the heads of the Western heathens and declare it’s just honky dory to kill the infidel non-believers in Islam’s God Allah and his prophet Mohammed – and all to the cacophonous accompaniment of the massed pipe band of Shit al-Shabab’s 21st Vuvuleza Regiment.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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