Tuesday, 27 September 2011

London’s Talking Trash Bins ‘Rubbished’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The moronic imbeciles infesting the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, following a consultation with London Mayor, Bonkers Boris de Piffle Nonsense, have commissioned – at great cost to the hapless public – the ‘Keep Britain Tidy’ and ‘Sing London’ organisations to jointly expedite and manage an insane rubbish recycling project for the Queen’s 2012 Jubilee and Olympic Games.

The initial trial will involve 25 ‘talking’ litter bins installed around central London this October, with the recorded voices of egoistic media personalities and the rich and shameless, congratulating the commuting public, shoppers and tourists alike for throwing their garbage rubbish away responsibly – with such meritorious remarks as “Well done!” and “Good dog!” harked by His Royal Parasiteness Prince Chazzer – and “Howzat!” from ace England cricketer Bazzer McScrote exclaimed when the items of trash are successfully pitched and slam-dunked through an electronic basketball hoop and drop into the bin.

The celebrity London Pro-Dominatrix owner of the elite Chelsea-based Spankarama Dungeons, Ms Fellattia Titwank, has recorded a message for the project saying "Oh yes – in the right hole first time!"
Conversely if the item of garbage misses the receptacle then the sensor software fitted in the bins has been programmed to issue a stream of critical and derogatory comments – including “Yer blind cunt!” and “Useless twat – try it again!”

Several of the bins have been programmed to burst into song when litter is tossed into them – with medleys including the hit single "Living on a Landfill" - and "Crap keeps falling on my Head" – by Gladys Shite and the Grottmeisters.
As the bins are designed solely for recyclable materials, there are software and hardware functions to reject any ‘poop scoop’ bags of canine cack tossed into the units – which will utter a recorded verbal reprimand from Baron John ‘Wot Pies?’ Prescott, stating in his customary gruff and vulgar Yorkshire accent “Hey, yer tosser – it sez no dog shit!” – at which point the offending bag of scooped poop will be automatically ejected back in the direction of the delinquent culprit at high velocity.

Others who have recorded messages include the voice of ex-Tory MP and celebrity perjurer Jeffrey Archer - plus a fantastic barber’s shop duet by Bosnian-Serb war criminals, Goran Hadzic and Ratko Mladic, who took time away from their crimes against humanity trials in the Hague to record their ditty – and last but not least, Nelson Mandela’s contribution - rumoured to be a take on a Bob Marley Jamaican calypso theme - backed by the Lesotho Massed Vuvuleza Pipe Band.

Conversely, forever the sore loser and all-round stick-in-the-mud, the ex-London Mayor ‘Red Ken’ Livingstone opined to one press hack from the Daily Shitraker “What a load of bollocks and waste of fucking money. Talking rubbish bins indeed – it’s another of Bonkers Boris’s cheap gimmicks like his barmy bike scheme.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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