Saturday, 24 September 2011

Hard Sell Chuggers Face Fines

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Charities employing overly-aggressive street fundraisers, or ‘chuggers’ will henceforth face fines for their supplicating ‘bully n beg’ tactics on the UK’s High Streets.
Smegmadale Council, concerned that collectors are dissuading people from visiting the town to shop and run up lots of credit card debt, has e-mailed the entire caboodle of Britain’s innumerable charities, warning they risk a fine of up to £500 quid if pedestrian shoppers file a complaint regarding their hard sell solicitations.

The ‘Begging Gits’ by-law passed by the council in 2010 states that no person in the street or a public place should solicit custom for a service or seek to gather information in such a manner as to cause an obstruction - or to give reason for annoyance – aside from the town’s regular crew of prostitutes who have a living to make and pay their dues – unlike tax-exempt mendicant charities.

The gospel according to the Register of Charities, there are currently 166,081 main charities, and 22,980 subsidiary and constituent charities, making a total of 189,061 of the begging bowl scrounger outfits infesting our once green and pleasant land.

Council spokesperson Candida Mingerot informed one press hack from the Killjoys Gazette that offending chuggers would be arrested and taken to court if it was found they contravened the new by-laws.
However, the Public Begging Association (PBA) informed the Moochers Review that they were disappointed at the news of the legislation – which was estimated to become the norm in all towns across the UK.

PBA director Baz McCadger, expressed the opinion that “Wot the fuck’s gonna happen ter all the effin’ polar bears if the icecap melts – tell me that then – who the fuck’s gonna look after ‘em? Same wiv the effin’ penguins as well – they can only swim fer so fuckin’ long then they need ter get out fer an effin’ rest – an’ how the fuck they gonna do that wiv no effin’ ice shelf ter have a waddle around on?”
“This is why we need ter collect donations an’ build a polar bear an’ penguin refuge up in the mountains somewhere fer when the shit hits the fan an’ global warmin’ really kicks in. That’s the problem wiv this lot on the council here in Smegmadale, they don’t give a flying fuck about penguins cos they don’t vote.”

Conversely, Council Chairwoman Mrs Chlamydia Ffinch-Gargoyle told the media “Who wants to be confronted with a horrid hippy type with a week’s growth of stubble on his chin and smelly armpits, hovering over you in an intimidating manner and rattling his leper’s tin in your face - then demanding money for some innominate charity that caters for myopic cormorants? This type of anti-social misbehaviour constitutes outright extortion.”

Smegmadale Council’s first arrest was expedited earlier this week when two of the town’s Community Enforcement Officers (formerly traffic wardens), on hire from Renta-Moron, collared Lenny McTwatt and his crew of Ox-Rat charity chuggers who collectively left Smegmadale University in July with more degrees than a thermometer – none of which august qualifications served to secure gainful employment for them in the real world.

Lenny - whose award-winning thesis on the incidence of night blindness in the female gender of the Lesser Spotted Arctic Lemming once got him a temporary post as a mobile library assistant in the Outer Hebrides - has been on Job-Avoiders Allowance for the past three years and decided to spend a gap year as a charity chugger to get the hang of the professional side of begging - to prepare him for a life-long career of unemployment.

When he approached Mrs Agnes Titwank, a 69-year old pensioner, on Scavvies Lane and propositioned her with the choice of donating a few bob to the Save a Lemming Fund or get her Zimmer frame kicked from under her, the lady zapped him with her 'Granny's Friend' 50,000 volt ‘Scally-Killer’ taser unit then gave him a taste of pepper spray full in the face before calling the local Plod Squad for assistance.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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