UK Asbo Pupils Face Exclusion

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Whistle-blowing moles inside the Department of Education have leaked documents to Ox-Rat, the UK’s socio-political abuse watchdog charity, revealing that scores of schools across our once green and pleasant land are acting unscrupulously, and perhaps illegally, for excluding pupils by unofficial means.

While some schools encourage parents to remove difficult children of their own volition, avoiding officially excluding them – yet again provide no support or alternatives – apart from recommending they join the Army and put their anti-social and violent tendencies to good use in Britain’s neo-colonial wars of aggression – invading and occupying Third World dumps and sequestering their natural resources.

The leaked report, titled ‘The Bullshit Stops Here: A Review of Educational Exclusion’ - is based on interviews with more than 10,000 school heads, teachers, parents, pupils, Plod Squad officers, registered kiddie fiddlers, local authority bin men, voluntary and private sector workers, academics and an assortment of other shit-for-brains professionals with more degrees than a thermometer and no fucking idea what they’re talking about.

The report calls for further transparency concerning school exclusions, claiming official figures do not provide an accurate picture of the details involved or criterion on which an individual pupil was ‘excluded’ – apart from the fact their name ended up in the class Naughty Book once too often.

Under current legislation and regulations, while schools are permitted to transfer or swap troublesome pupils into an alternative provision such as ‘Scally Referral Units’ (SRU’s) or vocational training programmes (drug dealing, auto theft or studying advanced welfare benefit fraud) - the practice of dragging unruly scrotes off to the nearest Army recruitment centre and forcing them to sign on the dotted line - simply to be shut of a problem child - is now deemed under the culture of ‘political correctness’ as being ‘wholly unacceptable’.

Ox-Rat director Frank Bogbrush, told one press hack from the Daily Truant “Some of these effin’ schools are takin’ an 'out of sight - out of mind' approach ter challengin’ pupils an’ gettin’ their bad behaviour off their hands – an’ that’s not on at all.”
“Okay, I can see their point sendin’ pupils out of school fer a ‘cooling off’ period after a classroom knife fight rather than usin’ a formal short-term exclusion, but labelling them as ESN (Educationally Sub-Normal) an’ slappin’ them wiv a permanent exclusion order simply fer a spot of arson or stickin’ the nut on one of the dinner ladies fer tryin’ ter poison them – well, that’s goin’ a bit far.”

Conversely, only last week, the Libservative PM, Posh Dave Scameron, informed press hacks that the government was considering slashing welfare benefits paid to the parents of pupils who played truant persistently.

“In many cases there is a core of parents simply refusing to engage with the school and in their child's education. These people really should face up to the responsibility of parenting – and get their arses out of the pub and help their kids with their class homework assignments instead of watching the goggle box."

“Take for example this current case of this Asbo Jack McSkanger character, a Year 7 pupil at the prestigious Catholic school - St Sodoms Academy for Latter Day Pederasts – who emasculated the priest with a box cutter for having a bit of a grope at his bum.”
“Personally, if it was left up to me, I wouldn’t bother slapping this little oick with a permanent exclusion order or ship him off to one of the Scally Referral Units – it would be life imprisonment on the moors in HMP Scumdale, sentenced to hard labour in the Marmite bogs.”

However, Ox-Rat’s Frank Bogbrush claims Scameron is more full of shit than a Christmas goose.
“Wot this spoiled Eton-bred twat forgets is the climate of fear wot’s grippin’ stacks of kids that don’t feel safe in school – and when they’re travellin’ back an’ to ter school – that’s why yer got sprogs in kindergarten and Year 1 carryin’ pick handles an’ baseball bats an’ claw hammers an’ effin’ big chivs in their butty bags.”

Thought for the day: The Department of Education has this week issued guidelines that any trigger-happy pupils, regardless of age or sex, caught discharging a firearm in the school grounds will face a mandatory fortnight’s exclusion.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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