Friday, 9 September 2011

Skewed News Views Roundup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The High Court ruled on Thursday that the Met’ Plod Squad’s TSG Renta-Thug Unit acted lawfully when they "kettled" scores of aggro-bent pre-teen schoolchildren during the tuition fee protests in London last year.

Adam Scrote, 12, his sister Candida, 10, and Baz McScally, 11, all from North London’s Slumdale Hamlets sink or swim council estate, were held at Trafalgar Square on November 24th for seven hours without shelter, food, or water – or a pot to piss in.

Personal injury claims for suffering frostbite and being scalded – wounds purportedly sustained during the kettling ordeal – plus complaints that their human rights had been breached - were thrown out by presiding Judge Sir Dinsdale Bogbrush, who informed the plaintiffs “If you can’t stand the heat, then stay out of the kitchen.”

The UK’s Libservative Coalition government today announced their plans to undertake a ‘renaissance’ of the Foreign Service – by sacking Foreign Secretary Willy Vague and replacing him with someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing.

The 4x4 Vauxhall Scrapera pick-up truck which was driven to the upper slopes of Snowdon by a man with a list of ‘50 stupid things to do’ before he dies is now off the mountain path and no longer an obstruction.

Driver Ronnie McTwatt, 39, from Gloucestershire, who described himself as an out-of-work freelance knobhead, lost his bottle some 400 yards from the summit, and after looking back down the perilous gradient, suffered a bout of ballistic diarrhoea and walked home sooner than risk a descent behind the wheel.

Snowdonia National Park officials had been mulling how best to bring the vehicle back down the mountain when bad weather closed in and prevented further action – until one warden had the bright idea of releasing the handbrake and letting good old gravity do the job for them.

After gathering speed down the Miner’s Path, the pick-up took a nose-dive over the cliff edge, bounced twice, and sank into the deep blue waters of Glaslyn – there to rust away over the coming centuries.

McTwatt, who was charged with acts of gross idiocy and driving on moorland, has been bailed, ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation to determine if he really does have shit for brains, and to appear before Caernarfon magistrates later this month.

The 96-year old billionaire Ikea furniture chain founder, Ingvar Kamprad, tonight faces fresh accusations concerning his involvement with Hitler’s Nazis during World War Two, but denies reports he designed the ‘flat pack’ gas ovens used at Auschwitz.

Anyone heavily invested in blue chip shares of the Oxo, Knorr or Bisto corporations might want to get shut ASAP due the Bank of England forecasting an imminent collapse of the ‘Stock Market’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Tony said...

Love the roundup Rusty!

Rusty of said...