Thursday, 8 September 2011

Pikey’s Pond Travellers Face Eviction

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Representatives of a tribe of gypsies living on an illegal traveller’s site in Essex have this week informed local council officials that they would be willing to shift their arses and move somewhere over the horizon if they were paid £6 million quid for their land.

In a display of superb brazen hubris, ‘Landfill Lenny’ McSkanger, the Gyppo Council's mouthpiece leading the fight against evictions from Pikey’s Pond Farm at Smegmadale – whose qualifications include an O-level GCSE in Welfare Benefit Fraud - plus an NVQ3 diploma in Barrack Room Law – has demanded an extortionate up-front cash-in-hand payment of £6 million nicker of tax-payers money from Basildon Council before the post-nomadic community will consent to moving.

Speaking to a press hack from the Scumbags Gazette yesterday at the barricaded entrance to the Pikeys Pond site on Lightfingers Lane, McSkanger claimed he offered to move the families back to their original homes in the Carpathian Mountains of Transylvania once the council deposited £6 million quid in his Post Office savings account.

However, Basildon Council leader Mrs Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle told the media that the sum amounted to rapacious blackmail and was far in excess of the actual the market value of what now amounted to no more than a six acre rubbish dump strewn with such banned fly tip pollutants as discarded 3-piece suites, old bike frames, worn-out tyres and cannibalised vehicles – which had collectively served to turn the site into an environmental toxic disaster the equal of Chernobyl.

“How are we supposed to justify forking out £6 million to these swan-roasting squatters so they make a profit from breaking the law? Really, what kind of message is that going to send out to out council tax paying residents?”

Last week the 400 gyppo residents living illegally at Pikeys Pond lost their legal battle to remain at the site, with Senior Magistrate Sir Irwin Bogbrush announcing they would be evicted by court-appointed bailiffs from the Renta-Thug Security Agency on the 19th September.

Conversely, following the court’s eviction order decision, senior Gyppo Council members Ms Feryl Beryl Titwank, a qualified 'Skip Scavvy', and her civil partner Harry ‘Gnasher’ Nosdork, a former cormorant strangler, told media hacks “Just let the fuckers turn up here mob-handed an’ see the reception we’ll have waitin’ fer ‘em – a full pack of rabid Pitbulls off their leashes wot ain’t bin fed fer a few days an’ wot’s bin trained ter go straight fer the scrotums.”

Thought for the day. Under Brussels’ latest batch of moronic EUSSR regulations the terms ‘Gyppos’ and ‘Pikeys’ have been decreed as totally devoid of any essence of politically correctness. Henceforth these itinerants are to be referred to as ‘Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers’ - or CUNTS for short.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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