Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Ministry of Education Frowns on Witchcraft

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A former Warlock Common teacher who clobbered members of the school’s staff with voodoo curses and threatened to shrink pupil’s heads was yesterday struck off the Ministry of Education tutor’s register for practicing witchcraft in the classroom – in total contravention of the official MoE curriculum.

The General Teaching Council (GTC) heard testimony from several witnesses that Ms. Medusa Jaffacake, an educational exchange project teacher from Haiti, where she had taught at Port-au-Prince’s prestigious Tonton Macoute Academy, had pulled hair from one disruptive pupil’s thick skull after he referred to her as ‘Old Warty’ and ‘a right ugly broomstick merchant’.
Apparently she wrapped the strand of hair around a voodoo doll's neck then pulled it tight – following which the 11-year old in question, Asbo Alf McScrote gasped for breath, keeled over, and coughed his last.

Popular rumour holds that the offending tutor boasted of being descended from Dahomey’s notorious 19th century witch doctor Twatcha N’kunta – the very miscreant blamed for the death of Aldous de Sleaze, the tyrannical Governor-General of the French colony in 1879, when he was stricken with a curse and his festoons of haemorrhoids turned septic then exploded.

Ms Jaffacake, who has since relocated to the Third World shithole of Benin, in West Africa, was charged with numerous counts of professional misconduct – including casting spells, cursing staff and pupils, and sticking pins in her collection of voodoo dolls. Further breaches of Department of Education and HSE regulations included keeping a black cat in her classroom – along with a bubbling cauldron filled with bat’s bollocks, toad’s tossers and snail snot.

The head teacher of Warlock Common, Irwin Bogbrush, gave evidence against Ms Jaffacake at the GTC hearing, relating that “She had this evil eye pendant hanging round her neck and just sat there and stared right through me when I tackled her over the reported abuses – flexing her fingers in front of me and making hex signs – and the next morning all my hair had fallen out. The bitch should have been drowned on a ducking stool – or burned at the stake – never mind struck off.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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