Monday, 19 September 2011

Libservatives Okay Same-Sex Marriages

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In keeping with their current policy of making a balls-up of everything they touch, the Libservative Coalition’s innovative ‘Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next’, working in conjunction with Shitehall’s Department for Wasting Time & Money, has announced that in light of their recent success regarding the amendment of the International Jurisdiction Law to allow Israeli war criminals to visit Britain without fear of prosecution, it is further committed to changing the legal statutes to permit male sodomites and rug-munching dykes to legally marry before the 2015 general election – when the Tories and Lib-Dums alike get booted out of office.

In the early 1860’s a cabal of Victorian era civil service mandarins and their Parliamentary bumboy cohorts conspired to introduce legislation to repeal the penalty of hanging for anal sex and zoophilia as mandated by the Buggery Act of 1533.
This action didn’t quite go as planned and resulted in the passing of the Offences Against the Person Act of 1861 and the eventual 1885 Labouchere Amendment - which outlawed every homosexual act and penalised them all (excepting sodomy, which remained a separate and more hienous offence) with a minimum of two years hard labour in the Marmite bogs surrounding HMP Dartmoor.

As the old adage goes “You can’t keep a determined poofter down” – and a like-minded body commanding the corridors of political power around Westminster and Shitehall in the mid-1950’s instigated the formation of the Wolfenden Committee to investigate and review the ‘closet’ practices of homosexuality with a view to decriminalising same-sex carnal intimacy between consenting adults.

Included on the committee’s panel were High Court Judge Aldous Cocksquirrel – a man with a bent for pink wigs and frilly tutus; Dr Irwin Bogbrush, a cross-dressing psychiatrist; Townswomen’s Guild director Ms Sapphie Godermiche; the notorious high society transvestite ‘Countess’ Chlamydia Ffinch-Gargoyle; and Lord Hamon de Mattoid – a reformed felching addict who had served a term of imprisonment after being convicted of paying a Limehouse dominatrix to stick hamsters and live eels up his back passage.
On the theologian side, to get the view of the Church, a couple of kiddie-fiddling Catholic priests with a taste for choir boys were added to the menagerie.

In 1957 the committee submitted the Wolfenden Report that concluded what two women did in private with a cucumber was no concern of the law – likewise if men wished to stick their willys up each other’s bums - then that too was a private matter – as long as they did it in a closet.

The Wolfenden Committee had also been influenced and swayed by Alfred Kinsey's fraudulent human sexuality research data which served to redefine every fucker and their dog as being a bit iffy / gay – and hence homosexuality being viewed as a ‘perfectly normal condition’ - and thus expedited removing it from the GMC’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual’s classification as an ‘aberrant mental disorder’.

Mischievously referred to by irreverent civil service wags and MP’s as the ‘Fags & Dykes Act’ - and also the ‘Fudgers Bill’ - the passage of the revised Sexual Offences Act, much to the outrage of moralist groups and religious fundamentalists, became law a decade later - in 1967.

On learning of the government’s intention to legalise same sex marriages, the prelate of the Church of England had condemned the move outright, quoting Biblical scripture from the Book of Ezekiel that denounces homosexuality and bestiality in all forms as an ‘abomination’ - and reminded media hacks that “How bloody far are we expected to go with this kowtowing to brown-hatter equality and LGBT rights? We all know what God did to Sodom and Gomorrah, now don’t we – nuked the bastards with brimstone and fire for their lascivious sins!”

Regardless of opposition, ministers are planning to launch a consultation next spring on how to facilitate civil marriages for same-sex couples.
Equalities Minister Mingeeter Dildodo, a self-outed dyke in her own right, opined to the Lib-Dum autumn conference that while civil partnerships became legalised in 2005, the statutes of the current Sexual Offences Act 1967 were simply not fair as they didn’t include provision for homosexuals to join in unholy matrimony.

"Britain’s become a world leader for gay rights with having so many of us lesbo’s and poofters in government but there is still a lot more yet to do. Civil partnerships were a welcome first step but I’m committed to confronting prejudice and discrimination in all its forms. To deny one group of people the same opportunities available to another is simply unfair and discriminatory.”

Hmmm right on, so what the fuck’s next - shepherds and zoophiliacs petitioning the stupid government for the right to marry sheep – in church? Kiddie fiddling paedo’s complaining of discrimination as they aren’t sanctioned to molest children?

While the proposed public consultation will begin in March 2012 with a view to changing the law ahead of the next general election - scheduled for May 2015 - the veteran gay rights campaigner, Simon ‘Call me Marion’ McScatt, told one press hack from the Turd Burglars Gazette that "What’s all this bullshit about a consultation? The ban on same-sex marriage is homophobic discrimination and should be repealed immediately if not sooner – and same-sex couples be allowed to wed with a religious ceremony and walk down the aisle to organ music – all dressed in white and holding a bunch of pansies. My boyfriend and I plan to get hitched at the new St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Fudgers once the law’s changed.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: