Sunday, 25 September 2011

UK Burglars Get HSE ‘Stay Safe’ Advice

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Alarmed by the burgeoning number of marginalised burglars being disarmed of their weapons and then actually assaulted with the same ‘pick n mix’ selection of knives and blunt instruments they were toting by inconsiderate home owners over recent weeks, the Greater Manchester Plod Squad, in conjunction with the North West’s Health & Safety Executive, is promoting a scheme which they hope will reduce the fatality frequency of burglars and other like-minded scallies turning up in coffins.

Concern has been focused on the numbers of burglary culprits ending up at their local A & E units, battered all to fuck, with claw hammers sticking out of their skulls – and even worse, on a cold mortuary slab after they ventured out during the hours of darkness on a breaking and entering excursion to support their booze and drug habits - which are unfortunately no longer financed by the state since our draconian Libservative Coalition government slashed the country’s social welfare benefits system to shreds.

HSE spokeswoman Fellattia Titwank, speaking to one press hack from the Robbing Gits Review, related they intend to initiate a ‘Better Safe Than Sorry’ campaign following the knifing deaths of a trio of moronic scrotes from Manchester’s Stench Hill and Scumshawe sink or swim council housing estates in three separate breaking and entry / daylight robbery incidents since June.

“We must recognise the fact that these amateur villains are getting into a felonious line of work that carries the occupational hazard of being butchered by their intended victims.”
“Hence we propose to instruct them perform an in-depth risk assessment prior to smashing a window and climbing through – only to be confronted by Cujo’s brother – or the pointed end of an assegai.”

“Really, it’s all too easy if they stop and think. Does the owner look like a bit of a handy sod? Is he a gym-going type? That’s what we’re going to try and instil in their thick skulls with this project - do a spot more fieldwork and research before they go and moronically try to burgle the house of world cage fighting supremo Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McThumper – and end up in a body bag .”

“Plus, there’s a stack of self-help precautions they can do to prepare for things going wrong. Get covered with personal accident and public liability insurance policies – and kit themselves out with a first-aid pack from Poundland – plus a good tourniquet. Have their blood group tattooed on their left forearm. And of course, last but not least, the way home-owners seem to be taking the initiative and getting into the fray of things rather than submit to being mugged or robbed – buy themselves a military quality stab vest and a snug fit safety helmet.”

“My advice to any scrote bent on a spot of burglary is most definitely not to break into some pensioner’s place while they’re watching Death Wish 1 on the goggle box.”

Such was instanced recently in the case of 16-year old Jason Scrotebury, an unemployed skateboard mechanic, who broke into a senior citizen’s bungalow in Numpbury Edge in Cheshire, stuffed himself on tucker out of the fridge, swigged back a couple of bottles of Meths Breezer, then did a Goldilocks and crashed out on the sofa for an Irish power nap.
Four hours later, 69-year old Mrs Candida Mingerot came back home from her Taekwondo lessons, found the moronic Jason slonked out on her couch, and beat him over his hapless head with her Volaris Rollator GT model wheeled walking frame – causing even further brain damage than was already present.

Do you live in a high risk burglary area? Should home owners post warning signs on their front gates to dissuade burglary attempts? “There is Nothing in Here Worth Risking Your Life For!” or “This Property is Guarded by Messers Smith & Wesson!”

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win one of our scrote-eating Grotweillers.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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