Friday, 16 September 2011

Bonkers Boris Brings House Down

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

An ill-fitted glass ceiling tile smashed to the floor just inches from where London Mayor, Bonkers Boris de Piffle Nonsense was stood, giving a speech to mark Tuesday’s opening of yet another of the city’s ubiquitous shopping malls – with this one destined to be a gateway to next year’s London Olympics.

The failure of faulty fixtures caused the heavy glass tile to plunge 30-odd feet to the deck, where it exploded into a million razor-sharp shards at the Crapfield-Shitford City shopping centre in east London, close to the stage where celebrity Ukranian stripper Tekem Orloff had just performed live as part of the star-studded opening ceremony.

Mayor Nonsense, who had been delivering his speech at the time, told one press hack from the Jerry Built Review “I nearly shit myself when that bloody thing hit the floor. They’ve had a bunch of brain-dead oicks from Bob the Bodgers working 24/7 to get the place finished on schedule – so obviously they need to get a building QC inspector down here asap, as a good dose of snagging is now in order before anything else drops off and some poor fucker or their dog gets their lights put out.”

The building, Europe's largest urban shopping centre, officially opened its doors to the public on Tuesday and is home to more than 300 boutiques – all selling the same thing - with 70 Chew n Spew fast food outlets, a 14-screen cinema, three hotels, an indoor trout stream, and the UK's largest Flatbrokes casino – plus four branches of the iconic ‘Happy Ending’ Rub n Tug massage parlour chain to ease those aches and pains after a hard day wandering around buying crap you don’t need and loading the plastic fantastic to the limit.

One cameraman from the Daily Shitraker caught the tile incident on video, with a copy now posted on YouTube. It shows Mayor Nonsense stood at the podium giving his speech alongside the exiled Russian oligarch Oleg Mobsaroubles – the zillionaire owner of the Siberian-based Gulag Gaz - and chairman and co-founder of the Crapfield Group – when the glass tile - roughly the size of a Pikey’s sandwich - dropped 30 feet to the ground, shattering on impact.

U2’s Messianic frontman Bono was booked to host the event, however he was otherwise engaged saving some Third World dump with the laying of hands, hence the annoying Pixie Geldork and TV presenter Slick Nick Scumshaw were the event hosts, and along with a host of shell-shocked punters in the crowd, also experienced involuntary bowel movements and shit their pants when the tile hit the floor like a stick of NATO cluster bombs taking out a Libyan hospital.

Fellattia van der Gamm, from the Spendthrifts Gazette, was standing close to Mayor Nonsense, microphone in hand, when the ceiling panel fell, and related “Bonkers Boris was making his speech and all of a sudden the glass tile thing just came crashing down with one hell of a fucking noise. Boris really jumped and looked shocked and very confused – but that’s normal with him. Really, it was a good job I was wearing a panty liner.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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