Saturday, 3 September 2011

UK Councils Warned: “Quit Nosying!”

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition’s Communities Secretary, Eric ‘I beat Bulimia’ Prickles, is issuing strict guidelines to councils concerning their dictatorial demands for personal information contained within the intrusive lifestyle and diversity data mining surveys they appear to run on a commercial basis - and which currently include questions about people's sexual orientation and perversions, their ethnicity and religion and if they’re STD / HIV-free.

The move follows a series of high-profile cases where councils have demanded personal information from individuals who applied to access public services.
These included libraries in London’s Slumborough Hamlets, requiring people who registered to join and borrow books if they had prostate or bowel cancer, diabetes or any exotic venereal diseases, such a Galloping Dobber Rot or Minge Canker - and whether they frequented al fresco swingers sessions in Doggers Wood – or were into cross-dressing and took it up the back passage.

The Department for Communities and Local Government claims its one-page statutory guidance sheet replaces the protracted 56 pages of John ‘Two Shags’ Prescott's moronic 'The New Labour Best Value Handbook’.
They further mention that the ‘advisory’ unambiguously states there is no legal or binding requirement for councils to demand that residents undertake surveys involving unnecessary and intrusive personal lifestyle and diversity questionnaires.

Secretary Prickles informed one press hack from the Daily Shitraker: "Here we are in the middle of a deepening depression, with taxpayers keeping a wary eye on their pennies, and the last thing councils should be doing is sending out these stupid questionnaires, asking people if they like haddock.”
"Local residents shouldn't be required to reveal detailed personal information just because they've complained about their wheelie bins not being emptied - or want to join their local library so they can borrow an unabridged copy of Marx and Engles’ Communist Manifesto.”

Bazzer McSkanger, director of the anarchy-orientated Fascist Watch civil rights group, told the media "About effin’ time too that some fucker clamped down on these town hall jobsworths wiv their ‘nosy bastards’ surveys - beakin’ inter our personal affairs an’ wantin’ ter know the in’s and out’s of Rileys’ arsehole.”
“It’s all data mining for anythin’ and everythin’ ter justify payin’ some moron £100,000 quid a year – an so effin’ typical of our Nanny State Big Brother government – no respect for personal privacy – unless it’s their effin’ own an’ concernin’ how fuckin’ much they’ve fiddled in Parliamentary expenses.”

“Then yer got this survey wot they carried out around Birmingstan, where all the Pakis an’ Muslims live, an' the effin’ council wants ter know who supports this BDS campaign fer boycotts, divestment and sanctions against the Zionist kikester bastards runnin’ Israel until it complies wiv international law and stops treatin’ the Palestinians like the Nazi Germans treated the Jews.”
“Next effin’ thing, the ones wot completed the survey an’ sez they support the BDS thingy gets labelled anti-Semites an’ Holohoax deniers an’ put on a terrorist watchlist.”

Conversely, Ms Beverly Titwank, the CEO of Community Area Partnerships, the quango raking in zillions of pounds organising these surveys for local authorities, has defended their work.
“While we have no decision-making power, the information harvested is processed and will form a battle plan which assists local councils in assessing the areas of their communities that should be watched for subversive activities – such as people thinking for themselves and disagreeing with government policies.”
"It might sound rather Big Brotherish and an attempt at social engineering but it really is democracy working at a grassroots level – especially so when we ask how many times a householder mows their lawn each month."

Do you get local authority data mining surveys shoved through your letter box? Do you consign them straight to the recycling bin – or fill them in with any old shit and a selection of choice inaccuracies just to throw a spanner into the bureaucratic works like any good anarchist should?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could end up on some local council’s shit list.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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