Tuesday, 1 January 2013

2012: Year’s End Roundup

In today’s New Year enhanced bullshit ‘Fin-de-Siècle’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Well, over in the good ole US of A, Karma’s played a stellar festive season ‘come-uppance’ trump card resulting in the mad menopausal (read ‘clinically insane’) Secretary of Sleaze, Hilarious Rodent Clinton – aka the Mena Mafia Matriarch - being rushed off to hospital with a ‘clot’ – which doctors have been quick to inform frenzied media reporters has nothing to do with her jism-stained ponce of a husband, the Artful Dodger Bill – (the Arkansas Amateur Rapist) as the raving rug-muncher now has personal ‘medical’ problems with a different type of 'clot’ lodged in the lump of grey mush that serves as her IQ-deficient egoist brain.

So there’s a setback for the Kenyan-Indonesian cuckoo – who’s going to attend to all the Mid-East black propaganda shit-stirring and cheer-leading for the rogue state of Israel’s Chosen People - or turn Barkin’ Barry’s ubiquitous teleprompter on for him while Michelle’s busy looking at her Hottentot ass in the mirror or blowing a shitload of taxpayer’s bucks on another of her overseas jaunts?

Boxing Day ‘almost’ went off with a ‘bang’ for residents of Kings Lynn when seven-year-old Ronnie McScrote discovered an 11.5lb ‘practice bomb’ with his Xmas pressy metal detector while doing ‘treasure trove’ sweeps behind the local Jaysh al-Hisbah mosque.

Sgt Frank Twatt of the Plod Squad’s bomb disposal unit informed a press hack from the Black Propaganda Gazette that they believed the device might be part of a cache stashed away for a forthcoming mass suicide bombing Jolly Jihad campaign by the ever-elusive Mohammed al Ka-Boom, commander of Al Qaeda’s 21st Shaheed Semtex Vest Brigade – believed to be hiding out somewhere in the Norfolk Fens after being spotted by a group of RSPB twitchers last August, disguised as a Lesser Crested Marsh Grebe.

Following a UK-wide public consultation on what has evolved into a money-spinning cosmetic surgery industry offering 2 for 1 deals on breast and buttock implants – with a free liposuction session thrown in - responses from female and transvestite clients who’ve been pressured into signing up for the chance of a lifetime ‘nip n tuck now – pay later’ deals after being fed a line of fatuous spiel that stretched to the horizon - only to end up being sold yet another ‘vendre un canard à moitié’ (flogged half a duck) - have shown strong support for a ban on cut-price deals and the aggressive selling of faulty French tit boosters set to belie the adage that ‘more than a handful’s wasted’ – unless one’s sex play partner wants to play ‘telephones’ – and have one in the mouth and the other in his (or her) ear.

The UK's Medicines and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency issued a condemning report concerning the aggressive marketing practices employed by cosmetic surgery clinics to maximize profits with zero consideration for the actual aesthetic requirements of the patient – and went so far as to compare such to having double glazing fitted.

In fact, further research by gutter press hacks from the Daily Shitraker uncovered documented evidence that Pikey Pete’s Conservatory Centre of Luton had actually been running a sideline along with the neighbouring Kwik-Fit garage and injecting bony female arses with double glazing silicon sealant and industrial vulcanising fluid – the type used to repair punctures in tractor tyres and bouncy castles.

The malpractice was exposed when Kwik-Fit refused to honour the stated 12 months warranty on the procedures and women started calling up the AA and RAC for ‘roadside assistance’ after their breast and buttock implants shifted during a heavy tit-mashing or doggy style bonking session.

In an effort to demonstrate their endorsement of the survey’s findings last Friday, three score and ten of their protest number gathered together in an irate mob outside Vanity Vic’s Cosmetic Clinic in Clapham and fire-bombed the place – then debagged a severely singed Dr Vic and forced several dodgy PIP gel breast implants up his rear passage with a broom handle.

On a more blood-thirsty note, the military forces of the Great Satan seem determine to wrap up the old year of 2012 with a few more drone strikes – loosing a hail of Shitstreak missiles from their MQ-9 Reaper UAVs to smite their enemies – and prove to some unlucky fucker and their dog that the Mayan calendar was pretty well spot on and ‘their’ world is just about to come to an abrupt ’blown away’ end.

Since the Great Satan got away with their new Pearl Harbour scam back in September 2001 and passed the Patriot Act - then repealed (or chose to ignore) the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 – and have since invoked such Kafkaesque laws as the Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act - and the National Defence Authorization Act – the Oval Office’s ‘nigger in the woodpile’ – and Homeland Insecurity - now operate devoid of the Constitution’s previously-established Montesquieu policy of triple checks and balances - the separation of powers (legislature, executive and judiciary) - and are thus wholly insulated from any form of Congressional oversight.

To wit, Washington’s ZioNazi homicidal maniacs now consider themselves beyond the reach of the statutes of the Geneva Conventions and Human Rights and Wrongs Act – and too the Nuremberg Code – thus feel free to murder who the fuck they want, where they want – and when they want.

So outside of the pariah state of Israel where international law doesn’t exist, that scenario has got to be at the top of any closet case psycho’s wish list for Christmas - and who better to derive the ‘get your rocks off’ benefit but the good ole US of A’s UAV jockey stick psycho operators - getting their perverted ‘legalised’ war crimes kicks by wiping out gatherings of Muslim peasants in faraway Pakiland and Afghanistan, Somalia and Yemen, with barrages of Shitstreak missiles fired from their MQ-9 Reaper hunter-killer drones.

And under the of precepts of that homicidal policy at least 22 suspected al-Qaeda juvenile militants (plus dozens of fans, spectators and goats – and the referee) were blasted to dogmeat sized bits by a US drone strike in Yemen's south-western Ratshit province on Boxing Day while playing soccer.

Pentagon Joint Chiefs spokesman General Billy Bob Redneck, speaking to a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette, revealed that “We had hard ELINT that al Qaeda’s Saracen Scallies commander Ras al Shitbag was attending a football match at the Neekni Sahrawi waterhole and his Muhijadeen First Eleven youth team were playing Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltser’s Shaheed Semtex Dynamos.”
“Hey, Yuletide or whatever, these guys are all heathens and out to destroy our democratic freedoms, so we gotta blow em’ away whenever we can.”

The UK-based Kunt-Watch government abuse monitor charity has released a damning report that in excess of 60,000 hospital patients have been stuck on the National Ill-Health Service’s Liverpool Care Pathway euthanasia programme without even being advised it was time to put their affairs in order and say “bye-bye cruel world”.

Speaking to press hacks outside Greater Manchester’s Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence, the Tory party’s smarmy Health Secretary Jeremy ‘BSkyB’ Hunt - he of the shit-eating Cheshire cat grin - passed a disgusting comment that in his unqualified opinion the controversial LCP assisted suicide programme was a 'fantastic step forward' to finish people off double quick and free up hospital beds - plus cutting down health service costs – along with making a great saving viz pension payments to useless eating oldies who just wasted money on Werthers and jars of Vicks chest rub.

Conversely Kunt-Watch director Bev Titwank informed the media “The LCP system of legalised murder will definitely suit a smug prick like the influence-peddling Hunt – and serve to grab himself a future sinecure with one of the for-profit’ National Ill-Health Service Trusts now they’re getting rewarded with £30 million quid in cost-cutting performance bonuses for euthanizing their target figure of elderly patients – chronically ill or otherwise.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That is a hilarious montage of news skits. Nice work Rusty, have read it several times and find something new to giggle at each time.