Thursday, 10 January 2013

Recession Drives Human Guinea Pig Scam

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The number of people taking part in harum-scarum medical trials to test dodgy drugs for the profit-motivated Big Pharma corporations operating in Broken Britain has trebled to 600,000 since the UK economy went tits up and this triple-dip recession (read ‘depression’) stranglehold started to choke the life’s blood out of the common herd back in 2008’s taxpayer-funded ‘Five B’s Year’ (Big Bad Bastard Bank Bailouts).

While Big Pharma’s spin doctors might well claim the rise is a direct result of patients taking a growing interest in medical developments, with National Ill-Health Service Trusts such as the Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence now carrying out research, the actual truth lies in the fact that cash-strapped members of the common herd, feeling the ‘diminishing returns’ effect of having this pathetic joke of a Libservative Coalition government in office, are volunteering simply to cash in on the lucrative remuneration for being a guinea pig.

Volunteers are approached by research nurses waving a chequebook and a handful of Mammon & Snobfords mega-bucks vouchers to see if they would like to take part in a study – and perhaps try out the euthanasia-friendly Liverpool Care Pathway (aka the Scouse Murder System) the NHS are currently trying to sell to the voting public as a good idea to free up hospital beds and get shut of useless eating pensioners.

Dr Wormhole Jaffacake, who previously worked for several years as a Mumbai mortuary assistant before joining Mengele-Smut-Klone as a clinical research physician, spoke to a press hack from the Haemorrhoid Bander’s Gazette regarding their evolving medical testing programme.
“As of yet the UK’s got nothing on the US of A – and especially not the Third World, where jobless people are queuing in their droves to sign up as guinea pigs with the likes of Frankendrugs Corp and Mutant Medical – quaffing back E. coli infected drinks, snorting pesticides and getting injected with insta-tumour viruses – all in the name of pharmaceutical progress – and a few bob cash-in-hand – which beats flogging off your corneas or a kidney to the shifty Shylock’s organ transplant black marketeers for thirty pieces of silver – and a digital radio.”

“Of course we do get our share of hypochondriacs who simply want to join the programme for free and be infected with some exotic disease – like Green Monkey Fever or Lassa virus or Bilharzia – but they usually get assigned to the clinical psychology testing department to try out the latest mood drugs and spend a few days in a padded cell.”

“So far, since we started conducting tests, we’ve made significant breakthroughs with volunteers - including the development of a vaccine to protect children against tennis elbow, treating cases of galloping flatulence caused by too many mushy pea dinners - and a possible vaccine to combat this super ‘Galloping Minge Rot’ STD virus that’s doing the rounds of the UK’s disco mosh pits and rub n tug massage parlours – which thrives in spermicidal foams and can chew its way through a ribbed condom.”

“In addition we’re currently running an extensive research programme to find a cure for Porcinella H1N1 virus – commonly known as ‘Sneezy Pig Flu’ – at our Hogsworth Hill quarantine centre, strains of which have been responding favourably to our patented one-shot Grunt-Gone vaccine – along with other related pandemic issues such as Acute Gruntitis and Triple S Virus (Snotty Snout Symptom) – but which unfortunately doesn’t seem effective with the symptoms of CTR (Chronic Trotter Rot).”

Thought for the day. So, if you’re 18 to 80 and don’t really give a flying fuck about having all kinds of experimental toxic shite injected into your arm – or ass – then text ‘Make Me A Guinea Pig’ to 0845123 654 and you can earn up to £3,000 quid per month tax free for your participation – and if we do make a total bollocks of your DNA, well you’re up for a free funeral.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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