Thursday, 17 January 2013

Supermarkets Slammed over Dobbin Burgers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Pestco, the UK’s dominant Greedy Grocer supermarket chain leader, has come under fire from the Food Safety Authority following a round of routine DNA tests which discovered unacceptable amounts of horse meat in a variety of purported ‘beef’ products – specifically Pestco’s cheap shit Everyday Value ‘Dobbin Burgers’ - and their up-market ‘Shergar’s Finest’ Quarter Pounders.

This eye-opener leaves one to speculate with trepidation what the fuck might be in Pestco’s economy GM Frankenfoods section microwave-ready Mutant Meals whose ‘chew n spew’ ingredients are the subject of ambiguous labelling (might contain traces of milk / nuts / wheat / horse).

Following the shock discovery a further 57 products carrying a ‘beef meal’ label were analysed, including cottage pie, beef curry, beef sausages, beef lasagne and beef-flavoured crisps - of which all tested positive for traces of ‘non-beef’ DNA – with each and every sample containing genetic material from either horses, pigs, rats, cats and bats – and too unacceptable percentages of dog, badger and / or seagull.

The beef burger products which primarily tested positive for horse DNA were traced back to the Mad Mule Meats and Crapcrest Foods factories in Ireland – along with Donkeypak’s Hambleton plant in Porkshire.

Professor Spuds Flanagan, chief executive of Eire’s Food Safety Authority, informed a press hack from the Abattoir Gazette that in his wholly unqualified opinion there was no health risk with minced beef being mixed other types of animal meat – albeit ‘beef’ products containing pork might be a cause for stomach-pumping vomitive upset for Muslims and Jews - but by the same rule it was equally true there was no straight forward explanation readily available for equine DNA contaminating the beef.

Conversely, speculative rumours abound that Stumpy Mick, the IRA-owned bay stallion 3/2 odds-on favourite who came in at sixth place in the 2:30 flat race at County Kildare’s Irish Derby last week, had ended up in the burger grinder as vindictive payback for not picking his hooves up fast enough and costing the punters a fortune in lost wagers.

According to the FSA findings, samples of burger goods marked as ‘beef’ on sale at Pukesburys and Shiteland contained up to 29% horse meat relative to beef content – with other products that tested positive for horse DNA included Aldi's Tally Ho Barf Burgers and Lidl's Equestrian Chargrilled Chuck.

Ms Bev Titwank, the buying manager for Mammon & Snobfords, the only supermarket chain in the known Universe that forbids any form of GM products in their food lines – including meats or dairy produce from animals reared on GM feeds – told reporters “So, GMO ingredients besides, there’s the argument for food labelling well and truly reinforced – if a packet says ‘beef burger’ then it should contain fuck all else but beef.”

“As the old adage goes ‘you get what you pay for – and if people who want to go cheap, shop at dumps like Shiteland and pay peanuts for their food then they’ll end up with monkey – or in this case ‘horse’.”
“Our customers know that when they want a little epicurean treat or a Lucullean feast they can try our exclusive M & S exotic meats line for such delicacies as Otter Delight, Sloth Steaks, Aardvark Pate, Lark’s Tonsils in Aspic or Rockall Cormorant Cakes. And if our Belgian Walloon clientele miss their regular Friday night equine steak then we do a ‘Hoofers Choice’ potpourri with a subtle hint of brandy-marinated mule.”

Ah well, as the Pestco ad’ jingle goes: “Every little helps” – even if it did have a saddle and jockey on its back last week.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, perhaps there’s something to be said for halal and kosher meat preparations after all.

How about this ad’ above Pestco’s barf burger shelves?
“Mummy, Mummy, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse” (No shit, don’t look now kid – you just did)

Conversely, when it comes down to supermarket food the only ‘healthy’ produce is on the non-GMO / organic fruit and veggies section – and the rest of the ‘tucker warehouse’ is a chemical additives / hormone-loaded dietary time bomb for generalised ill-health, including but not limited to, high blood pressure, obesity, diabetes and the full smorgasbord of nasty cancers.

Could they could get away with it, this would be printed on the front of every GMO packet to encourage compliance: “If you don’t eat your Manky Mutant insta-tumour Frankenfood sweet corn then Monsanto’s Jolly Green Giant’s going to come round and stamp all over your house and family.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

brilliant piece Rusty - like the 'tally ho barf burgers' mention.

fastbyte69 said...

yep, the whole skit is superb. still laughing my nuts off.

Quinn said...

Dobbin Burgers - ha. Not heard the name 'dobbin' for a horse in yonks.