Con-Dems Plan UK Super Prison

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In accordance with continuing austerity measures affecting cuts in public spending, the Libservative Coalition’s Blue Skies planning department have come up with a scheme to close down seven UK prisons – with a further two being partially shut.
(Que - partially shut – what the fuck does that mean - the gates left half open so prisoners can escape?)

Chris Graything, Minister for Locking Things Up (formerly the Defra shadow secretary for battery hen affairs) informed one press hack from the Old Lag’s Gazette that while the move would result in the loss of 2,600 cell spaces from uneconomic, run-down prisons built on the Dickensian treadmill / bread n water model, it is forecast to save £63 million quid per annum that can be spent on re-arming the Syrian rebel groups and fattening up Ethiopian and Somali refugee kids on UN microwave meals ready for the vultures to pick at.

Wagging a reproachful ‘naughty-naughty’ finger at sarcastic news reporters, Secretary Graything clarified “Okay, joking aside, there won’t be 2,600-odd scallies on the loose, dragging a ball and chain behind them. We don’t intend to relinquish any of the designated ‘no longer fit for purpose’ prisons and turn them over to some social housing authority for conversion into ‘desirable residences’ until our all-new super-duper prison is built and up and running - with 2,000 single occupancy cells – all en suite, with an Abba poster on the wall, a picture window and nice view of the exercise yard.”

“Then we have to find somewhere to shove the remaining 600-odd yobsters and scrotes - plus a segregated section for all the Gyppo child sex slave traffickers – and the convicted kiddie fiddlers that Operation Yewtree’s been rounding up so the other inmates can’t use them as punchbags. Mind you, considering the ages of some of them, we’re going to have to plan for ‘disabled access’ to comply with Brussels’ EUSSR laws regarding Zimmer frames and wheelchairs.”

“This will be a high tech / top security build – focusing more on rehabilitation than punishment – and be the best thing since sliced bread – or opposable thumbs.
Every cell will have its own pc and broadband access so the inmates can do Open University courses because it's in all of our interests to make sure that con’s come out of prison with further education and key skills then they have a better chance of getting a job with an NVQ 1 in Lock Picking rather than having to keep signing on at the Jobcentre or stacking shelves at Pound Stretcher.”

“We’ll have a restricted access setting on the computers so prisoners won’t be tempted to go peeking at adult porn sites every time they feel like a wank – or log on to social networking websites where they might get ideas about grooming someone’s daughter – or bored housewives or lonely grannies.”

“Obviously custodial arrangements for women and transvestites are to be reviewed as they have particular ‘gender specific’ requirements that they’re not going to have readily available in a prison full of hairy-arsed men.”

"Our strategy for a 21st Century custodial estate is to ensure that we have sufficient places to meet the demand of the courts in coming years – which with this expanding trend of pre-crime arrests of likely socio-political dissidents by the Plod Squad and the drive to silence the voices and obstruct the activity of Bolshie citizens who question our Libservative Coalition government’s policies and the stranglehold of corporate power, then it might be wise to opt for Stalag style open prisons out on the moors.”

"While we never want our courts to be in a position where they cannot send a criminal to prison due the fact they’re all chocker full as per the current situation - under new EUSSR legislation we now have the quick fix option to ship scallies off to be locked up in Poland or Bulgaria – which will come in handy for any prisoners who fancy picking up a second language.”

According to the Ministry of Justice’s Guesstimates Department the proposed super prison will be approximately 25% roomier than Broken Britain's existing largest lock up – what civil engineers refer to a ‘very, very big’ - and a feasibility study into its construction (thick concrete walls, iron bars, cyclone fencing and razor wire, etc) is to begin as soon as Chancellor Osborne stops giving all the loose petty cash to Willy Vague to buy arms for the rabid rebels in Syria.

However one problem has arisen as where to site the proposed ‘mega-nick’ - in London, north-west England or north Wales – as public polls and surveys to date have failed to glean a positive response – with the average neighbourhood feedback being one of: “Yer not buildin’ the fuckin’ thing round here”.

The latest grist from the rumour mill claims that while the all-new super prisons are under consideration, Secretary Graything has denied there are plans to field local community mini-prisons to house anti-social scallies – commonly referred to as cages.

Thought for the day. So it’s going to be building bigger prisons – with nary a mention (nor a thought) of spending a few quid on crime prevention and community solutions to crime – such as finding people jobs and fielding more plods on the streets to crack down on anti-social behaviour and keep raving paedos from molesting kiddies in the parks – or North Wales care homes.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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