Starbucks: The Non-Profit Coffee Shop

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Kris Scumbagsky III, the UK-based managing director of the caffeine addiction multinational, spit the dummy last Friday and ‘demanded’, no less, than to have an up close and personal chat at Downing Street with Posh Dave Scameron himself following the Prime Minister’s caustic reference to companies that needed to wake up to the stench of tax-evading corruption – and avoid an early morning kick on the door visit from HMRC agents.

Scameron’s use of the scathing phrase and its inherent criminal implications during the Davos World Economic Forum in Switzerland last week was taken by the paranoid Scumbagsky as a direct attack on Starbucks - which has copped for a deserved hail of criticism for evading any significant payment of corporation tax in Britain for the past 14 years.

Conversely the disingenuous Scumbagsky - a man stricken with the charisma of a leper colony gatekeeper - claims this is due the fact that the delinquent company have yet to make a profit on sales – and suffering the throes of an anxiety attack due the ‘politicisation’ of the tax evasion issue, when he rang Downing St and spoke to Scabby Bertin, Number 10's chief message troll, resorted to threats of moving the entire UK operation to Somalia or Mali if Dave refused to see him and have a chat over a pot of Nigerian Fair Trade Dark Golly Roast Espresso and a couple of Pikey’s Delight donuts.

One has to speculate - is this guy a total moron? Of course the corporate taxable income issue’s ‘politicised’ – anything to do with the government’s Malthusian policy of milking the public or commercial interests of taxes is, by its very nature, ‘Political’ with a large capital P. That’s what keeps the likes of Chancellor George Osborne smiling, and the Foreign Office and MoD in pocket money to stage their wars of neo-imperialist aggression against all these nasty Islamic dictatorships around the Middle East and North Africa.

Hence if Scumbagsky is to be believed, after 14 years of operations in the UK Starbucks have never cut a profit yet? Well some fucker and their corporate dog need their arses firing for incompetence. WTF are they - a non-profit organisation or registered charity? So what do the board of directors receive when it comes time to share out the annual dividends – a copy of the latest ‘loss-sharing’ scheme spreadsheet?

The company currently employs 9,000 staff at their 500-plus stores spread across the length and breadth of our once-sceptred isle – with 350 in the Greater London area alone.
Since its arrival in Britain in 1998 Starbucks have coughed up, under duress, £8.5 million quid in corporation tax, despite total sales of £3 billion nicker per annum – with Scumbagsky claiming they’d made a profit once in the 14 years of operations.
It would appear that, to all intents and purposes, someone at Starbucks is trying to take the piss – big time.

Stop press: drop the dead donkey. The UK’s Starbucks chain could well face imminent bankruptcy since the Chief Secretary to the Treasury, the ginger-mingin Danny Alexander, has hinted he is boycotting the chain and shifting his caffeine boosting patronage across to Costa Coffee.

Thought for the day. If Starbucks open a branch in the middle of the forest and there’s no-one around apart from the bears, deer and squirrels – could you still smell the coffee?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of nano-particle cynicism and genetically-modified bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.