Herts Plods to Charge for Cell Occupancy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

David Lloyd, the newly-elected Police and Crime Commissioner (PCC) for Hertfordshire, believes, in his unqualified opinion, that ‘honest taxpayers’ should not be forced to meet the burgeoning costs of being put upon by inconsiderate criminals and hooligan types for what is colloquially referred to as Pig Sty ‘behind bars’ bed and breakfast – and instead these villains and associated enemies of polite society "should be hit right where it hurts most - in the pocket".

Lloyd, the Conservative candidate for the fatally flawed PCC post, obviously putting pen to paper before engaging brain, has laid out a list of his hare-brained concepts for innovative policing proposals in an open letter and has managed, via the path of self-delusion, to convince himself that members of the common herd – apart from the criminals themselves - would agree with his spiffing plan.

In response to a hail of criticism and objections from the Scallies-Rights felon abuse watchdog charity, Andy Blinkered, the hapless and authority-emasculated Chief Constable of Hertfordshire Police, informed gutter press hacks from the Asbo Gazette that now he was no longer in charge and didn’t know what the fuck was going on, the force was doing their best to work Mr Lloyd, regardless of his strange ideas about reintroducing the pillory, branding and public lashings.

Conversely, and in defence of his skewed proposal, Lloyd responded with the retort "Putting people up in cells overnight really is an expensive part of policing and almost always the fault of the individual as they’ve done something very naughty. Hence I think most people in Broken Britain would say criminal offenders should pay for their board and lodging – and not the taxpayers."

Getting carried away with his own verbosity, Lloyd went into pontification mode, much to the amusement of press hacks who did their best to keep a straight face in case the new martinet PCC had them arrested for lack of respect, claiming "We need a society where people pay when they do something wrong - and this is the foundation stone of my primary Police and Crime Plan, wherein the core element principle of "offender pays" is at the heart of the strategy I‘m determined for PM Posh Dave Scameron to adopt and push for deployment right across the county, ready for when our not-fit-for-purpose Plod Squads are privatised and my Masonic mates from G4S and Serco take over the job.”

“Then we can turn policing into a ‘for profit’ enterprise that will really get results – and see the assets of criminals being seized and invested in public service funds – such as performance bonuses for local authority councillors – and Police & Crime Commissioners.”

Heckled by media reporters on how he was going to force arrested suspects to pay for their own incarceration in police cells, the moronic PCC from Trowley Bottom rationalised that "We’ll have to accept there will be some people who can't pay – such as those unemployed scallies who were caught stealing as they had no money in the first place.”

“Okay, perhaps we’ve got a little bit ahead of ourselves here regarding the gap between realities and concept as the proposal to charge for overnight stays in a cell is at the consultation stage and we’ll have to work out what to do with people who can’t pay – perhaps thrown them out on the streets as they do in hotels and the like.”
“Conversely there will be a substantial discount if, as per Premier Inn and Travelodge systems, criminal types make a confirmed booking at least 21 days prior to being arrested and charged.”

He then added that a legal appraisal was further required concerning the circumstances of those arrested and held being found innocent – if they would automatically qualify for a full refund of their room and board bill – or suffer the fated consequences of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Lloyd, the type of bloke who thinks wood grows on trees and could fuck up a perfectly good anvil, and now the Hertfordshire Police & Crime Commissioner become, was the Tory-anointed candidate who secured the post with 65,000+ votes - beating New Labour’s Sherman Batshit by a mere 13,000 at the ballot box.

Hence, much to the continuing detriment of society, the national Plod Squads of our once-sceptred isle are overseen by political ‘parties of self-interest’ scumbags – marked by the contradictions and inconsistencies of their narratives – who embrace concepts and agendas wholly divergent with the policies of sound policing – and we are saddled with clots of Lloyd’s ilk – a right-wing ideologue who fosters the proposed privatisation of police services – and preaches this ‘criminals must pay’ one-size-fits-all approach to every fucking incidence of wrong-doing with nary a mention of ‘crime prevention’ or ‘rehabilitation’.

Never missing a chance to get his mugshot in some gutter press or associated media publication or the other, Lloyd is an opportunist local authority councillor whose only claims to fame are the fact he can speak French (our historical enemies) and once worked in a bank – which since the big financial crash and ensuing casino mentality scandals of 2008 is more like admitting to being a closet case arsonist or kiddie fiddler. Hopefully Karma will see this self-promoting egoist impale himself on his own boasts – or choke on a trapfull of unqualified arrogance – as per his classic gobshite election campaign canvassing statement.

“It would be a prime intention to spend most of my time in the community alongside key partners - using innovative new ways to engage with the public and rid our communities of all these local anti-Christ wannabee weirdoes and mad axe man types like Freddy Kruger and Edward Scissorfingers from terrorising the neighbourhood.”

“I’m a staunch admirer of the NYPD’s Bill Bratton and the zero tolerance and gung ho approach to crime and anti-social behaviour – especially so his ‘broken windows’ theory – specifically if a foot patrol member of the Plod Squad sees a broken window then it’s either a burglar inside or some scally’s lobbed a brick – or the window cleaner needs to ease up on the donkey stones or whatever they use nowadays.”

Thought for the day. While there is no such thing as ‘conventional political wisdom’ there does exist a phenomenon, and all too frequently displayed, known as ‘conventional political stupidity’ – which seems in the Con-Dem coalition’s case, to be a sore thumb constant.
Thus the case with politicised Police & Crime Commissioners – now Downing Street’s creatures and yet another of the tip-toe steps towards achieving the Big Brother totalitarian state / New World Order agenda.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.