Saturday, 5 January 2013

Raving Rupert Declares War on Argies

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ozzie-born dingbat tycoon and renowned vulgarian Raving Rupert Mudrock, head honcho of the News Corporation media empire - now devolved to a turncoat US citizen - has issued commands and directives from on high for his London-based gutter press Sun tabloid (more tits of Pages 3, 4 & 5 / soccer hooliganism at back) to take up arms against the bully boy Argentine oppressors and defend the Falkland Islands from all comers.

To this end, the Sun has taken out a half page strapline advert in the Ratlines Gazette, a German-language paper in Argentina, defending Britain's God-given divine right to govern the Falklands - from Westminster - on behalf of the island’s sheep population who voted unanimously for a Tory-led government back in May 2010.

Mudrock’s advert is a response to an open letter from the Buenos Aires graft and corruption-ridden government of the ginger-mingin Argentine president, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, who, acting on behalf of her Kleptocracy Party administration, published an open letter to Broken Britain’s PM, Posh Dave Scameron, in two British papers – the Paperclip Review and the Odessa Clarion - repeating calls for the islands - known to the Argies as the Malvinas - to come under the sovereignty of her nation.

One extract of Kirchner’s letter reads: “Really, who gives a shit that a flock of sheep, some rockhopper penguins and a pod of fur seals – along with the killiwacky bird census officer – this Mrs Mingerot who runs the Stanley Post office - reportedly all cast a unanimous vote in a referendum on the principles of self-determination to retain their independence – but remain part of the UK’s overseas protectorate territories.”

Conversely, Libservative Coalition PM Scameron has insisted the islanders must decide their own future, informing one press hack from the right-wing Neo-Colonial Times that “Regardless of this slapper of an Argie President demanding we abide by a toothless 1965 UN resolution that she claims compels us to negotiate a solution to some dispute that only exists in the Argie’s muddled minds – they can keep their sodding hands off the Falklands as the British subject residents want no truck with a basket case Third World dump like Argentina and their inherent Latin machismo and discordant flamenco guitar music.”

It might be remembered by avid warmonger watchers that the slimy Argies carried out a pre-emptive sneak attack and invaded the islands in 1982 but were driven out by British forces the following week – a short conflict that nevertheless resulted in chaos and mayhem on the international stock exchanges with the price of spring lamb shooting up to £80 quid per kilo, sheepskin rugs bringing a King’s ransom - and the bollocks dropping out of the mint sauce market.

Thought for the day. Colonialism be fucked – along with all Empires founded on greed – where the gain of one party is forever based on the loss of another – and while we’re at it – fuck the New World Order too.

However, to put the debate to rest, the Falklands were claimed for the Crown and garrisoned by the Royal Navy back in 1765, and hence came under British sovereignty – whereas the Republic of Argentina has only existed as a nation since 1816 with their Declaration of Independence from the Spanish jackboot.

So who said the opinions of sheep don’t count?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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