UK Statutes: Section 5 ‘Insult’ Law Shit-Canned

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The crime of ‘insulting’ someone through aberrant physical or verbal behaviour – specifically the flawed wording of Section 5 of the 1986 Public Order Act - is to be finally dropped from the ‘silly laws’ list of the Crime and Courts Bill thanks to the efforts of certain common sense peers in the House of Lords.

The literal composition of the controversial act has been strongly criticised by free-speech campaigners since it’s inception 25 years ago, and last December Westminster’s Upper Chamber voted by 150 to 54, a majority of 96, to remove the word ‘insulting’ from Section 5 – a tactic championed by former Smegmashire chief constable Lord Dinsdale Armitage-Shanks who opined to a gutter press hack from the Blasphemers Gazette “At last, we can now go back to calling a spade ‘a spade’ – even if it is a fucking shovel – without upsetting the fragile sensibilities of those mad menopausal old bats from the Townswomen’s Guild – or some one-eyed Captain Hook Muslim mullah who wants to blast our democratic freedoms to smithereens, impose Sharia Law and have my local pub’s topless barmaid wearing a burkha.”

Home Secretary Theresa May, lashed out of her customary blonde moment comatose state by the party whip, informed MPs "I respect the review taken by their Lordships and the concerns which are shared by certain anarchistic back bench elements in this House - that Section 5 encroaches upon the freedom of expression and under its original wording many people risked being criminalised for speaking their minds or simply passing an opinion and hence could be slapped with the stigma of reduced life prospects.”
“However the view held by the upper ranks of the Plod Squad is that Section 5’s inclusion of the word ‘insulting’ served as a valuable tool in helping them keep the peace and maintain public order as it deters the mob from shouting ‘Pigs!’ and referring to them as ‘the Filth’.”

Following the Lords vote, the speech-impaired Director of Public Prosecutions Keir Stammerer told the media that “While my office only implements the laws of the land and doesn’t make them, I must agree that the presence of the word ‘insulting’ in the act made interpretation an ambiguity-ridden nightmare.”

“This once resulted in the arrest of an Irish uni’ student back in 2005, who was rat-arsed drunk following a late night party in Oxford and puddled enough to ask a humourless mounted Plod Squad officer whether his horse was called Iron Hoof due the fact it took it up the rear passage.”

“This ended up in his controversial arrest and copping a fine of £80 quid for ‘causing harassment, harm or distress’ due suggesting the horse was a four-legged poofter – and an admonishment from the sitting magistrate that though the comment was only meant as a joke it could well have caused offence to other horses in the vicinity.”

Conversely, New Labour’s child prodigy leader Ed Millipede, upon hearing Theresa May’s announcement, took to the House of Conmans dispatch box to warn that the repeal of Section 5 could remove protections for minority groups – such as horses, clothes peg flogging Gyppos, swan roasting Albanian pikeys and Polak rip-off artists whose sole purpose of being in the UK was to wave an NVQ 1 diploma around and impersonate a plumber.
“Personally, I support the retention of the word ‘insulting’ in Section 5 of the act to prevent yobsters and other Bolshie anarchist types swearing at neighbourhood PCSOs and those Community Enforcement Officers that local councils hire from the Renta-Moron Security Agency – regardless of them being a bunch of officious room temperature IQ thugs.”

In a bid to back the boy wonder up, Labour’s ginger-mingin shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper went on the Hansard record, stating “We need a balance struck between protecting our sceptred isle’s proud tradition of free speech and ensuring vulnerable minority assemblies - such as the Plod Squad’s Territorial Support Group - are safeguarded from unfair discrimination and verbal assaults by gangs of unruly protesters rioting over the extra-judicial shooting of some Tottenham wannabee anti-Christ – and the removal of the word ‘insulting’ from the act is going to work to the advantage of the mob.”

Thought for the day. Fuck political correctness – and Big Brother – and his sister – and our panopticon womb to tomb surveillance state - and the dystopian New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.