Austerity be Damned: MPs Demand Pay Raise

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Casting such concepts as selflessly serving one’s nation – in the public interest – and / or ‘pro bono’ altruism to the vagaries of the four winds, a greed-driven clique of the House of Conmans motley collection of some 649 MPs (rumoured to kneel before the Rothshite crime syndicate’s altar of Mammon) have petitioned Westminster’s Independent Ripoffs Authority (the Parliamentary expenses watchdog) for a 32% pay increase – bumping their current (measly) £65,738 quid per annum up to £86,250 – plus expenses.

They justify this mega pay hike following the introduction of a new expenses regime that forces them to provide receipts for all claims – hence cutting off the unregulated flow of easy cash from the horn of plenty cornucopia that fed the old expense fiddles culture.

In response the Independent Ripoffs Authority’s head honcho, Sir Dinsdale Armitage-Shanks, opined to one gutter press hack from the Trough Guzzlers Gazette that considering the damning fact MPs had just imposed a 1% pay freeze on welfare benefits and both public and private sector salaries, they too should share the burden of pay restraint.

“Good grief, what are these avaricious bastards up to – claiming they can’t live on £65,000 quid a year and demanding this ridiculous 32% pay hike - three times the average salary - while the unemployed are forced to struggle, hand to mouth, on £60-odd nicker a week.”
“Talk about abusing the public trust – and the sodding Tories want the most - £97,000 – while the Lib Dums reckon the right amount is £78,361 and Ed Millipede’s boys at New Labour £77,322 – and one silly twat from the Morons Party saying that if benefit scroungers can live on so little then so can he – and has opted for a pay cut.”

“I personally can already hear the harbinger echoes of the tumbrels rolling across the cobblestones as the sheeple cry out “Enough of this bullshit!” and kick start a bloody insurrection. Seriously, I consider there to be more chance of seeing Lord Lucan riding down Pall Mall on Shergar that these clowns getting even two per cent, let alone thirty-two.”

In defence of the pay hike demand, Sir Jarvis Ffitch-Twatton, Tory MP for the Old Scrotum constituency, interviewed on the BBC Two’s ever-popular Vulgarians Hour programme, claimed “Austerity’s for the oicks and the common herd – we’re the privileged class. Surely a public school education, the ability to speak Latin and some French and being a Third Degree Freemason is worth £100,000 a year - plus expenses and a gold-plated pension?”

Similarly, Andrew Bellend, the Tory MP for Red Leicester, stated for the public record there was a real danger that ‘the right sort of people’ would be deterred from standing for Parliament due the fact £65,000 quid was a mere pittance to what they could earn in the private sector – as PR spin doctors or conducting arms deals – or as banksters and hedge fund managers playing casino games with investor’s money, secure in the knowledge that if they fucked up the government would bail them out - again.

“I can’t speak for the blue-collar types on the New Labour opposition side – or the dirty fingernail Lib-Dums in our coalition, but plenty on the Tory benches have taken a pay cut to become MPs and make a wheeler-dealing name for themselves on the global influence peddling stage – same as Tony Bliar and old Vermin in Ermine, Peter Scandalson did.”
“So why should they be forced to struggle along on a pittance of £65,000 nicker a year and have to look their children in the eye at birthdays or Christmas and explain they can’t have a new Porsche or Aston-Martin as Daddy wanted to be an MP.”

Conversely Bev McSkanger, chief executive of the taxpayers campaign group ‘Shafted’ informed a reporter from the Benefit Cheats review that “Er, excuse me – wot the fuck happened ter Posh Dave Scameron’s ‘We’re all in this together’ austerity drive – did I nod off fer five minutes an’ miss somethin’?”
“Okay, they’ve slammed a 1% cap on welfare benefits – so why the fuck don’t these dog wankers slap a 1% pay freeze on every fuckin’ thing an’ have done wiv it, I ask yer?”

"Hikin’ politicians' wages while these tossers are slashin’ local authority budgets an’ cappin’ welfare payments at sweet fuck all is rubbin’ the common herd’s noses in the smelly brown stuff when we can’t even get the effin’ potholes repaired wot’s makin’ our roads a danger ter life an’ limb – especially if yer ridin’ a bike.”

“Talk about pigs at the trough – just take a look at the Tories’ Local Government Minister Eric Pickles – and we don’t want any fishwives tales about him being ‘big boned’ either. Excess written all over his wobbly triple chins - an’ wot a perfect example of that percentage of the world wot uses far more than it needs ter live at a higher standard than them they’re stealin’ from - this over-privileged Parliamentary elitist fraternity wiv their absurd sense of entitlement.”

“We’re already sick ter the effin’ teeth wiv the contradictions, lies, and inconsistencies in their narratives – an’ how they gain election ter public office via manipulatin’ the illusion of credibility an’ competence then come up wiv this revised Malthusian concept of how ter keep milkin’ the cow wivout feedin’ it.”

Ah well, there yer go. While there is no such thing as ‘conventional political wisdom’ there does exist a phenomenon, and all too frequently displayed, known as ‘conventional political stupidity’ – which seems in Parliament’s case, to be a sore thumb constant.

Thought for the day. Chancellor Georgie Osborne wants all workers' salaries adjusted according to the cost of living of their home towns – so how about applying the same rule for the fat cat MPs who represent those constituencies?

Regardless, the halcyon days of New Labour’s carefree spendthrift experiment are gone - morphed into a mutant Debtocracy chimera from which the only escape is penury and kissing foreign Shylock bankster’s arses forever more.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.