Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Tories Field 2020 Big Brother Wish List

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

To confuse a gaggle of annoying gutter press hacks, Tory PM Austerity Dave Scameron intimated that he might be inclined to turn his back on Masonic Brotherhood traditions and sacrifice a few kiddie fiddling cabinet ministers to the mob to boost his flagging popularity – and credibility – in a bid to ensure he wins the next election hands down and remains firmly ensconced in No 10 until at least 2020 – a move viewed by insiders as a desperate and pathetic attempt to create a platform of plausible moral probity from which to unveil and launch his Heath Robinson style schemes to fix ‘Broken Britain’ – which will include radically-amended Big Brother Society and ‘Hang-a-Hoodie’ concepts.

During a closed Tory bigwigs session at Chequers last weekend, Delusional Dave warned party critics of the power-sharing Con-Dem coalition government to 'shut the fuck up whingeing and complaining' as he wasn’t backing down on the same-sex marriages stance just to appease a minority demographic of poofters and secure the insignificant ‘fudge vote’ – nor on slashing child tax credits and affiliated benefits for the wealthiest children - or the UK’s overseas aid commitments to the Free Syrian Army rebels working flat out like a lizard drinking and against all odds to overthrow President Basher al Assad and pave the way for the overdue pre-emptive military strikes against Iran.

Coordinating with Scameron’s wild ambitions will be the introduction of a range of draconian legislative measures fielded by Chancellor George Osborne that are rumoured to include abolishing such vulgarian luxuries as ‘retirement’, extending a kid’s school day by three hours - and paying lower welfare benefits to whingeing Northerners than their more deserving Southern contemporaries.

Other hare-brained schemes include forcing disabled people to work by instilling the ‘Can Do’ dynamic of the Paralympic athletes – and slashing their benefits to zero - and obliging pupils who fail their exams to take re-sits during school holidays when they’re supposed to be away from the brainwashing classrooms and chillaxing with their mates - and not getting stressed to the point where they’re ready to flip out, go postal and slaughter the school staff.

The revised – and new - policies have inadvertently been put forward for cabinet approval, adoption and implementation in a paper by members of the 2020 Group, a panel of Tory MPs and ministers including Michael ‘Pob’ Gove and the recently-fired Justine ‘Piranha Teeth’ Greenthing – she responsible for the Virgin / Whore Lines / Worst Group rail franchise fubar - as well as rising stars within the party such as Claire Jerrycan and Matthew Wankcock - Chancellor Osborne’s former fag from Eton school days.

The moronic Wankcock confided to a gaggle of paparazzi pondscum that “We still have a lot of work ahead of us yet, to add some decent sound bytes, spin and propaganda that the gullible public will swallow hook, line and sinker to turn these themes and ideas into manifesto-ready policies, but the sense of direction, momentum and ambition is clear - and furthermore, to achieve our objectives, we’re working in conjunction with the Wallace & Gromit Institute for Advanced Political Guesswork and the Wiley T. Coyote Centre for Global Trend Studies.”

Conversely, the gospel according to whistle-blowing moles, what started out as a party joke to think up the most absurd set of pantomime policies for the New Year during an afternoon session in the House of Conmans Stranglers Bar and while quaffing a few pints of Totty’s Tits Tankard (7.5% ABV) – to be purposely leaked to New Labour spies - has inadvertently ended up as an actual bona fide policy document after a copy was left on the Cabinet office table then circulated round Millbank CCHQ and accepted by the party’s panjandrums as the core element of the next general election manifesto.

The 2020 Vision: Agenda for Transformation satire document addresses concerns that the Tories’ message has been blunted by its fatal coalition involvement with the Librarian Dummercrats, and that the party has struggled to articulate what it stands for beyond ensuring the Met’s Operation Yewtree covers up any loose evidence of cabinet ministers buggering pre-pubescent school children and blames such incidences on the BBC and Jimbo Savile.

However, Tory peer Lord Tommy ‘Three Chins’ Strathclyde, who was present at the Strangler’s Bar piss-up and participated in the drafting of the loony wish list, describing it at the time, while in his cups, as a ‘spiffing blueprint’ for the next Conservative election manifesto – (with a plethora of ambiguous campaign pledges that can be broken once securely ensconced in office again) – upon receiving news that the morons running policy at Millbank CCHQ had taken the draft document seriously – enamoured with the section relative to pushing a more entrepreneurial economy that re-legitimises the concept of wealth creation and gluttony being an acceptable human trait – has resigned from his cabinet role as Leader of the Lords and gone into hiding up in Nonceland at the family’s Mauchline estate.

Segments of the 2020 Vision study leaked to the national media on creating an opportunity-driven society features madcap proposals to make pigshit-thick yobs and chavettes more employable - reforming the welfare system to encourage social mobility by simply doing away with benefits so if people don’t get off their arses and go out to work – or steal – then they’ll starve - and provide fresh opportunities to help the over-seventies find work by reopening coal mines across South Wales and Yorkshire.

Works & Pensions Minister Ian Duncan Smith informed the press “Our ultimate goal is to see ever increasing levels of conformity in our society, while encouraging individuals to be more independent and self-reliant – by becoming an MP – or emigrating to somewhere with decent weather then sending their salary back here and paying taxes.”

“Okay, I will admit there is some controversy over introducing different levels of welfare payments around the country – but living costs and the price of a pint of Old Headbanger lager are significantly higher in London and the South East than elsewhere.”
“To address the ongoing housing crisis we’re considering passing legislation to lengthen the repayment term of mortgages to 100 years - and building smaller flats for first-time buyers – modelled on the ever popular traditional dog kennel.”

“Benefits in Croydon might not stretch very far, but in manky Manchester or Scouseland or ‘grim up north’ Middlesbrough, the same amount could be a favourable alternative to work where recipients can afford to eat a take-away every night after a visit to the ale house for a few pints – and fly off on holiday for a couple of weeks in the Costa del Ripoffs in between their Jobcentre signing-on appointment dates – and that is the slack-arsed welfare state culture we’re after cutting out like some cancerous tumour.”

As to extending school hours from 8:00am to 6:00pm – and enforcing a failed exam re-sit in the summer vacation period – these ideas are fraught with the spectre of unintended consequences and doomed to failure as such will initially just serve to drive the truancy culture to a fresh level of increased tempo.
A pity kids don’t have the vote until they’re 18 otherwise if they could cast a ballot the Tories would be out of office until Hell freezes over for that bit of addle-brained strategy.

One of the more ridiculous points in the proposed ‘manifesto’ states that more children should be encouraged to learn to speak Mandarin when they go to their local Chinky chew n spew - and other foreign languages like Polish or Czech so they can chat to their immigrant counsellor at the Jobcentre - and schools should not simply drive pupils towards a lifetime of debt servitude due massive university tuition loan fees of £9,000 quid per annum plus interest, but encourage entrepreneurialism – such as getting into drug dealing, loan sharking or gun running – or simply using their own initiative to track down the elusive Higgs-Boson ‘God particle’ without the assisstance of a large hadron collider.

Doubtless the shit-for-brains Tory think tank strategists will be mulling over reports that one Cardiff-based Muslim mother went over to the Dark Side of Sharia Law by beating her son to death with a copy of the Koran after he failed to memorise a list of sutras in parrot fashion.
Now there’s a stern lesson for dysfunctional families and NEET kids who couldn’t give a fuck about school or work – ‘gimmee dat ole time religion’.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, the bloviating Scameron pulls a Tony Bliar ‘trust me’ card – so a canny eye and ear to what he says – for it is the total opposite to what he eventually does.
But one day soon the Common Purpose / mass media programming will cop a glitch and that much feared insurrection will take off like shit though a goose along the blood and gore-splattered streets of the City as officious bureaucratic jobsworths, brain dead plods, politicians, bankers and an assortment of similar wankers get it in the neck – literally.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Quinn said...

Like it - 10 out of 10 for dreaming that piece up.