Friday, 4 January 2013

UK Obesity Crisis: NHS to Target Fatties

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

National Ill-Health Service doctors at Smegmadale-on-Sea’s prestigious Harold Shipman Centre for Excellence in Clinical Care are petitioning the government to cobble together a team of specialists tasked with conjuring up some viable solution to Broken Britain’s soaring obesity crisis that’s currently racking up billions a year in medical treatment, extra-large body bags and oversized coffins.

A caustic confidential report leaked to the gutter press by whistle-blowing moles inside the Royal College of Physicians claims the Libservative Coalition is ignoring the blatant ‘elephant in the doctor’s surgery’ (sic – no pun intended) and appear to be disinclined to tackle the UK’s obesity epidemic, which is costing £5 billion quid per annum – a fiscal figure expected to rise at a geometric rate proportionate to the number of flab-minded Britons intent with putting on mega-pounds of excess ‘comfort zone’ blubber.

Professor Candida Muffitch, spokesperson for the UK’s Faculty of Public Health - interviewed by Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr on the BBC’s ever-popular primetime ‘Lard Arse Hour’ – opined that “In 99% of cases obesity comes down to not only how much we each eat and drink but rather the quality of what we’re consuming – and here I’m most certainly referring to the iconic five-a-day fruits and veggies diet we preach.”

“This credo has doubtless been wholly ignored over the Christmas and New Year festive season holiday period, with the common herd stuffing their faces with a dozen kinds of Bacchanalian delights and gorging themselves on other assorted junk food crap off the shelves of their local Greedy Grocer supermarket chains.”

“Thus as a result of this Yuletide orgy of dining with Lucullus we’ll doubtless be making their personal acquaintance in the near future when they end up on a gurney in our NHS hospital corridors with a coronary or stroke – waiting on a ‘quick-fix’ angioplasty job or a triple bypass – or for the unlucky ones – a vacant slot in the mortuary and an appointment with a team of trainee pathologists from the Freddy Patel Institute for Post-Mortem Guessology.”

A corresponding editorial in Wednesday’s Fat Gits Gazette reveals that a quarter of UK adults are vastly overweight and it is estimated the majority of Britain’s population will be obese by 2025 if they continue with their pigswill Chew n Spew fast food diets – carbon copies of their gluttonous, couch spud counterparts over in the good ole US of A – cursed with an abundance of cellulite around the waistline – and in between the ears.

Interviewed alongside Prof. Muffitch, her medical profession contemporary, Dr Bev Titwank of the Health Protection Agency’s Dietetics Division, opined against the proven efficacy of Fletcherism – chewing food for hours then spitting it out – and personally recommended contracting a dose of the seasonal winter ‘Spew n Poo’ norovirus bug that’s currently doing the rounds.

“Seriously this type of therapy works just as well as cancer or chemo’ as the pounds will simply drop off you – even while sitting on the bog with ballistic diarrhoea and puking up into a bucket – but that’s all down to the determination of the individual. I had one grossly overweight patient who set his mind to being a youthful lean and mean shape again after being blacklisted at Slimmer’s World and actually booked a vacation to a cholera-stricken area of Bangladesh to catch something nasty.”

“He was lucky enough to cop a mild dose of dysentery and shit 35 pounds off in less than a fortnight – albeit the experience left him with a prolapsed anal sphincter that his doctor compared to a red tulip in full bloom - a condition which still gives him gyp if he rides a bike.”

“The problem here, same as the rest of the slob-infested Western world, is that every time the brain dead common herd go off on a shopping spree or to the cinema or whatever, they simply can’t resist going for a pig-out session and inevitably end up in a branch of McD’s or KFC or Biffo’s Barf Burgers or Pukerella’s Pizza or Cilla’s Chunderama – stuffing their faces on these ‘all you can eat’ supersize offers of cholesterol-laden crap that I personally wouldn’t feed to my dog.”

“Of course, while we are blaming the public for devolving into a convenience fast food society, addicted to microwave ready ‘zap-it’ meals, at the end of the day it’s a lack of regulatory control on the part of government – this pantomime of a Con-Dems coalition - who have in this instance – like so many others since they slithered into power in May 2010 – been delinquent in their duty of care.”

“So the best advice for weight control and combating obesity is combining healthy eating and exercise – and you might live to see your 50th birthday. Otherwise it comes down to toxic statins and quadruple bypasses – or the porkies have to resort to bariatric surgery which acts to reduce the amount of food they’re able to consume by decreasing the size of the stomach.”
“Or on the more drastic side there’s the option of ‘malabsorptive surgery’ where we bypass the stomach and upper intestine altogether, which reduces the amount of food absorbed into the bloodstream. Quite simply the gullet is connected directly to the patient’s arsehole so when he goes on a binge-eating bender whatever he swallows gets crapped out five minutes later.”

Ah well, what the fuck can be expected viz government inaction on this problem when their main party donors come from the armaments, Big Pharma and GMO / dodgy junk food industries – with the latter lobbying against food content labelling.

Thought for the day. The 70-stone (445 kilos) Ron Snot of Ipswich came in at Numero Uno on the 2012 Top Ten Global Fat Scale (GFS) while serious wannabee contender N’kunta Bilharzia of Somalia was disqualified from the competition due being below the qualifying entry weight of 14 pounds – most of which belonged to his tapeworm infestation.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Brill piece of satire. Some great digs there and love the National Ill-Heath Service reference.