Vatican Halts Kraut Paedo Priest Inquiry

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Roman Catholic Church in Germany, acting on orders from the Vatican and Pope Benny, the Mk XVI ‘Super-Kraut’ Papal model, has terminated an independent inquiry it commissioned into sexual abuse by their perverted clergy, citing a breakdown in the contractual censorship and compliance agreement.

Speaking on behalf of the Holy See, Cardinal Guido Frigarotti informed one press hack from the Pederasts Gazette that the German Bishops Conference assembly’s trust in Professor Christian Pfeiffer, head honcho of the Lower Saxony Criminological Research Institute, had been compromised when he refused to ‘lose’ documented evidence and condemning affidavits from victims that Pope Benny’s brother, Canon Georg Ratflinger, had been bumming the Regensburger Domspatzen pre-pubescent choirboys with impunity since the 1950’s.

Conversely Prof Pfeiffer accused the Church of obstructing his team's work by seeking to control the investigation which had uncovered a sophisticated system of sadistic punishments in connection with sexual lust at the choir boarding school attached to the Regensburg Cathedral and demanded they submit everything for approval (read ‘censorship’).

“This was the same problem my team encountered at Berlin's élite Jesuit high school, Canisius College, where the Pope’s Men in Black threw up a Chinese Wall of Silence - hiding behind a 2001 Vatican directive that called for cases of abuse to be investigated internally, by a corrupt Catholic hierarchy, before any mention of such was revealed to state authorities.”

“The Bishops Conference approached our institute in 2011 following the wave of scandalous revelations concerning kiddie fiddling sexual abuse, and tens of thousands of Catholics subsequently deserted the Church and left the offertory plates bare - with one irate section of the Wittenberg congregation going into radical mode and fire-bombing the St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Catamites with Molotov cocktails.”

“However since our investigations began we have experienced a veritable snowball effect, with thousands of victims coming forward to swear under oath that they were forced to suck and swallow or bend over and take it up the bum when they were minors in a game the priests referred to as ‘Hide the Bratwurst’.”

According to recent figures, approximately 34% of the German Catholic demographic - with a majority statistical bias on the males of the species – have been sexually abused by pederast priests entrusted with a duty of care and their spiritual guidance between the 1950s and present day.

Professor Pfeiffer’s team consisted of criminal investigators, retired prosecutors and judges, and was allowed access to personnel records on all German Catholic Church employees going back decades – until they uncovered a Biblical scale trove of sexual abuse reports that had been suppressed by slimy Jesuit types from the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (formerly the heretic-burning Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition) – whose previous head was none other that His Holiness Pope Benny XVI, in his previous incarnation as Cardinal Joey Ratflinger.

Oh well, gimmee that old time religion. At lease the abuse survivors have been offered mega Deutschmarks of financial compensation on a sliding scale gauged to match their level of suffered trauma - one hole, two hole – and for pretty little Barbie doll choir girls – three hole compo where relevant.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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