UK Teacher Morale Hits All-Time Low

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A recent survey undertaken by the CrapGov socio-political watchdog pollsters on behalf of the National Union of Teachers paints an alarming portrait of a no-longer-fit-for-purpose education system that is being viewed as a damning indictment of yet another example of Biblical scale fubars and snafus in an entire string of fatally flawed Libservative Coalition government policies.

The gospel according to the survey’s results indicates that morale among teachers in England and Wales is – quote: "lower than a snake’s bollocks" and has declined dramatically since the autumn monsoon season kicked in, when everyone living in a house built by moronic, quick-buck developers on our once-sceptred isle’s flood plains started to wear wellingtons – even when watching the telly and taking a shower.

More than half (55%) of teachers polled by CrapGov for the NUT described their morale as being ‘devastated’ due the slack jawed Michael ‘Pob’ Gove’s involvement with education in England and Wales having a totally negative influence – a factor coupled with Posh Dave Scameron’s budget cuts and austerity measures serving to produce states of apathy and double dip chronic depression in school classroom staff that any clinical psychologist worth their salt would diagnose as being one step away from self harm and suicide.

Conversely the DoE’s spin doctors and embedded propaganda merchants - employed solely for their sound bite generating skills - claim that teaching is still an attractive profession with vacancy rates at their lowest since 2005 – an element critics were quick to point out was due Jobcentres assigning hordes of welfare-scrounging economic migrants from the EUSSR’s eastern European regions to every school vacancy that arose – even if the ‘applicant’ was – in politically correct terminology - English language challenged.

NUT General Secretary Chlamydia Mingerot informed a gutter press hack from the Dingbats Gazette that “The CrapGov survey shows that some 69% of teachers feel their morale had plummeted since the 2010 general election that ended up with a hung Parliament and the sleazebag Tories forming a coalition with the pondscum Lib-Dum’s - to become the Con-Dems. On top of which 71% stated they never trusted the old government either – when Tony Bliar was PM and especially after that Scots pillock Brown took over trying to run things and pulled that influence peddling career criminal Peter Scandalson back into the cabinet.”

“Eight out of ten secondary teachers believe the new phonics screening check for six-year-olds is a rubbish idea and if they express this opinion on Twitter or e-mail such to this imbecile Michael Gove they’re told to shut up – or else.”

“The same problem exists with this batshit English Baccalaureate qualification for 16-year-olds being rushed through without enough consultation – which we, as education professionals consider encompasses too narrow a range of subjects and that many schools will be coerced to stop teaching music, art, PE, design technology and religious education.”

“What we need is the moronic Gove – he posing as the Tory Education Minister - a master of self-magnification who hungers for applause but is deaf to prudent caution – hoofing out and an actual teaching type being slotted into the post – not some political creature – who has the balls to stand up for what is right and implement a policy that works for all children and young people, to provide them with an education that is exciting and fulfilling – then we can do away with the Asbo Central Academies and this term NEETs.”

“Hence there we are presented with the root causes of apathy and depression when career teachers fired with enthusiastic idealism are denied the right to go off-curriculum and teach the fucking truth – that the government is dominated by Masonic perverts – fudgers and paedos – and the entire Crapitalist system is aimed at making debt slaves out of us all – especially teaching staff on crap salaries.”

“Furthermore we want an official government admission that Agenda 21 is meant to cull the human herd – including the kids – along an end to the one-size-fits-all approach to every thing that crosses the House of Conmans – plus all the contradictions, lies, and inconsistencies in the politician’s narratives - and too this disastrous revised Malthusian concept of how to keep milking the cow without feeding it - by returning to a resource-based economic system that works for our benefit and not just the Rothshite crime syndicates.”

“If our youth is not taught an awareness of these factors and their minds cannot conjure dreams, ambitions and achievable aspirations, then they’ll become mentally stunted and ill-equipped to deal with and overcome the legion of challenges and disappointments that both Mother Nature and Life in general will be throwing at them during their three score and ten mortal passage.”

“But oh no, the establishment frowns on non-conformist individuality – people who evolve into critical free-thinkers and resist the state controlling every aspect of their entire existence – these anarchists who dare question government motives. They’re a threat to the order of things and need to be diagnosed as suffering from oppositional defiance disorder like the Soviets did with their dissidents – and branded as conspiracy theorist freaks, or non-conformist rebels, professional agitators, reactionaries, nihilists, revolutionaries – and even domestic terrorists - simply due their inherent uniqueness – that they can kick ass and have no need nor desire to go ‘Baaa’ and follow the rest of the common herd.”

Frank Scrote, spokesman for the radical Teach-or-Die action campaign to allow schoolroom educators the right to pursue their own curriculums, had this to say to media hacks. “Can yer blame teachers fer bein’ addicted ter Valium an’ the like cos of the state of affairs at the DoE wiv this dildo Pob Gove.”

“Morale’s never bin at such an all time low like this since the Black Death struck our once-sceptred isle back in the 1660’s and kids ran around singing “Teacher’s got the lurgy”. I ain’t jokin’, the depression’s got that bad one teacher attempted ter commit suicide while they woz gettin’ interviewed durin’ the CrapGov survey.”

“A lot of us are lookin’ at classes of young teenage kids an’ scratchin’ our effin’ heads an’ thinkin’ wot’s the effin’ point of teachin’ the fuckers anythin’ when once they leave secondary education level they’re gonna be bolloxed cos they’ll never be able ter afford £9,000 nicker per annum in tuition fees an’ what-have-yer fer University.”

“An’ it’s not just the DoE that’s the problem either when yer got both male an’ female teachin’ staff burdened wiv guilty consciences an’ lookin’ over their shoulders 24/7 an’ waitin’ fer Operation Yewtree’s Plod Squad ter come knockin’ on the door an’ collar them as some rotten twat of a pupil has sent an anonymous text that they were three holed by Sir – or introduced to ‘soixante-neuf’ oral sex by Miss during an up close and confidential biology class comparative anatomy tutorial.”

Conversely, Ms Bev Titwank, for the Department for Education, informed the media that the proposed changes would raise standards by bestowing head teachers with the power of life and death over their teaching staff and Bolshie pupils.
“This will count as another one up on New Labour’s pathetic performance - the fact we’ve invested £4 million quid to help existing teachers develop their skills – such as being able to read and write – and are intent on slashing red tape bureaucracy to allow them to spend more time in the classroom and less on filling in legal paperwork, denying they’d been grooming underage pupils on Twitter and Facebook to become their sex slaves.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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