Socially Selective UK Academies Slammed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a report leaked to the Ox-Rat public watchdog charity by embedded whistle-blowing moles and snitches working under deep cover at the UK’s graft and corruption-ridden Academies Commission, the burgeoning number of schools in England with academy status is fuelling a culture of Israeli style social segregation that surpasses anything the rogue Zionist regime’s barbarians visit on the hapless Palestinians in the occupied West Bank or besieged Gaza Strip – and borders on the racist policies of the apartheid South African government of yesteryear – which former African National Congress Youth League leader Julius Malema wishes to re-introduce – with whitey on the ‘ethnic minority’ receiving end this time around.

The leaked ‘Unleashing the Profit Potential of Selective Admissions’’ report claims the majority of a number of dodgy, autonomous academies – bestowed with a corporate status thanks to the underhanded lobbying of the Bright Blue pressure group - are profit-motivated to the point of vulgarian avarice and have adopted a policy of directing their jobsworth managers to scrutinise admission applications, then covertly select pupils not for academic potentials or achievements or zoning qualifications, but rather those with affluent, high-end income parents - whose fathers are ranking Freemasons, bank executives or have influential political connections – hence fostering social inequalities and what gutter press hacks from the red top tabloids are terming venal acts of ‘admissions injustice’.

One condemning factor in the leaked report states that corporate-controlled academies fingered for placing profit before their binding educational charter and abusing the spirit of the admissions code in an attempt to boost share prices and dividends, should be compelled to publish socio-economic data relevant to those applying for admission – and to whom such is not only granted but also refused – a practice which critics predict that enforcing compliance of will be the equivalent of attempting to teach a tortoise to play ‘Fetch!’.

Rumours now abound that the not-fit-for-purpose Academies Commission panjandrums are considering a post-leak ‘closing the stable door’ tactic and belatedly publishing their Unleashing the Profit Potential of Selective Admissions report – in which they call on Education Secretary ‘Pob’ Gove to deny parents legal recourse to the Office of the Schools Adjudicator in appealing against segregation and an academy's admission decision to refuse the sprogs of disadvantaged families a place as their social status doesn’t meet the academy’s highfaluting (read ‘money-spinning’) standards.

The leaked Academies Commission report also focuses on the role of school governors in academies requiring greater scrutiny and the need for a radical shift in their selection – and not just electing Tom – or Dick and Harry - just because they’re members of the same Masonic Lodge or golf club as the academy’s chairman.

Conversely Ms Candida Ffitch-Gargoyle, director of Ox-Rat, spoke to a reporter from the Pikey Scroungers Gazette, explaining “The academies were first established under Tony Bliar's sleight-of-hand crooked government, with the primary aim of raising the standards of under-performing schools in disadvantaged areas – and laying the groundwork for brainwashing a total generation of kids into believing a New Labour administration was the only salvation for Broken Britain.”

“What started out as an exercise to grant independence and hence foster a culture of initiative and progress has, due this covert policy of selectiveness and ensuing segregation, assumed an immoral profit-driven purpose and turned order into chaos - negatively impacting on standards and fairness.”

“Now in addition we have a back door privatisation scam attaching itself to the Tories via this dodgy Bright Blue think tank full of superbly arrogant beardies and anoraks with more degrees than an industrial thermometer and not an ounce of worldly experience or common sense between the gang of them.”
“Their director, one Ryan Shitehouse, is the co-editor of some radical spin / propaganda pamphlet titled ‘Tory Modernisation 2.0: the Future of the Conservative Party’ – promoting their very own brand of progressive education project which they aim to implement if the Tories secure a second term in government – as a stand-alone party obviously as the controversial idea has already been vetoed by Mick Clogg and his Librarian Dummercrats.”

“What these clots are proposing to raise school standards are mixed-age classrooms, where children will be taught by ability rather than how old they are, and pupils won’t move up a year unless they attain basic standards – such as how to wipe their own arses and complete a Dot-to-Dot exam.”
“Really, is this ‘progressive’, I ask you as it sound more like Dickens’ Dotheboys Hall – state-school pupils not allowed to move up a year until they attain certain standards – with 15-year old sink or swim estate thickies from dysfunctional families stuck in nursery class then cast out with no more qualifications than an NVQ1 Diploma in Skip Scavvying.”

“The pilot scheme this Bright Blue quango group ran in south London’s inaptly-named Titanic Hamlets sink or swim housing estate last year at their Asbo Central Academy to serve the yobster, chavs and NEETS kids of the area’s dysfunctional family units – which Ryan Shitehouse claimed was the best thing since sliced bread – or opposable thumbs – turned out to be an unmitigated disaster – with a single swot who could both read and write graduating and getting a job as a junior reporter with the Benefit Cheats Weekly – and only because his Mum did the cleaning there and put a good word in for him.”

Thought for the day. Academies – what has the English educational system become? Yet another New Labour socio-political disaster, but it’s always a problem when some arrogant twat tries to re-invent the wheel.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

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